what’s the explanation? i figure it’s that in the world of the internet, we aren’t separated by time or distance, so much as we are the next link. while you click around a bit – on my name, the history, the sleeper cell tab, or whatever you click, i’m really just a couple pixels away. words that i typed out 2 years ago, right there – just inches from your cursor.

in which case, you can imagine your entire life as one giant semi-formal dinner. you’re milling around, drinking gallons and gallons of accumulated tequila, you’re roaming from guest to guest looking to step into an interesting conversation, and evey once in a while, you amble over to my lil corner of existence to overhear whatever my decades-long conversation with the wall is about. and today, it happens to be the film adaptation of suzanne collins’ wildly successful young adult sci-fi novel, the hunger games. how ya been?

so i think, first off, it’s important i say that this isn’t a bad movie. actually, it’s better than Not Bad. this movie is actually kinda good. it’s important to say, firstish off, this is a pretty good – no wait, kinda good – this movie’s pretty darn good. i just didn’t like it all that much. which is ok! there are tons of movies out there that are pretty good but that i don’t like.

the one i always use to make the clearest point is THE WIZARD OF OZ. great movie. i don’t like it. my dad assures me that as a child, i LOVED it. i’ll take his word for it. but, in my defense, i also shat my pants a lot back then. we all grow.

besides, watch WoZ again. trust me, it’s not that great. so, granted, it’s not the best example. ANIMAL HOUSE? maybe another bad example – i’m not sure how well fans of that movie can read. how about THE GODFATHER? i’m sure most people who’ve seen the godfather have liked it. i’d say i might be in that group too if i could actually sit through the that self-indulgent, artsy-fartsy piece of 9 hour over-romantic, gangland nonsense. ok. lemme back up. i don’t want to start a fight. like i said, i haven’t even really seen that piece of crap yet. so to all you retards who like that movie, “i apologize.”

and really, there are TONS of bad movies out there! and how many GOOD movies can you think of? even if you bought all the movies you’ve ever even slightly liked, how many would you have? a thousand? two? out of the tens of thousands of movies out there? honestly, if you’re ever actually watching a movie, the odds are good that you’re watching a pretty bad movie. it’s a numbers game.

TOP 5 “GREAT” MOVIES ZACK HATES (the-c’mon-really?-he’s-seriously-still-doing-haikus haiku edition)

nothing's free, charlie

5 – it seems there’s also
no laughing in the war room,
gentlemen. Strangelove

4 – if their government
was this aimless, they’d be screwed…
oh wait. Amarcord

3 – honestly, i can’t
remember anything not
chariots. Ben Hur

2 – we dog singer’s dad
issues, but let pete jackson
off the hook? ALL THREE.

1 – rich shut-in loves kids?
wonka’s choco-factory
packs charlie’s fudge.

alright – i’ve decided there’s simply no way for me to address this movie without giving a few things away. and really, the few plot points i feel i need to mention are so monumentally obvious that if you consider it a “spoiler,” it’s either because you’re completely in the dark about the HUNGER GAMES TRILOGY by suzanne collins, or you have horrific critical thinking skills. if by chance you fall into either of those categories, read on at your own peril.

there’s nothing really BAD about this flick, unless you count pacing, it’s just that, well, it’s one of those that starts, entertains you for a couple hours, and then ends. it does have one standout scene, which i guess is more than most movies give you, but trust me, if you’ve seen the movie, it’s not the one you’re thinking i’m thinking. if you know the story at all, and odds are good you do, then you prolly know what’s gonna happen. it’s not super-suspensful. i’m sure that upon its release, readers of the book were hanging on every chapter wondering what would happen. but for those late to the trilogy (like m’self), it’s kinda hard to not know what’s around every corner. mainly ’cause, well, there’s a sequel. and that feeds into my major beef with this movie.

there’s little to no danger at all. and certainly no hunger. not to be THAT guy, but the book explains a few things which are left out here. first off, it’s called “the hunger games” for a reason – mainly, the 24 kids (i’d totally explain this, but there’s virtually ZERO chance that anyone reading this doesn’t know what’s going on here – however, if you happen to not know the story or what 24 kids have to do with the movie, ask down in the comments section so we can all laugh at you) have to stay in the arena until there is only one competitor left alive. which, given the size of the arena, could take awhile. but there’s never any sense that food will be hard to find.

what a cow

 CASTING NOTE
there was a bit of hubbub when jennifer lawrence was cast as the lead, katniss everdeen. mainly because she was a little too round. or pudgy. basically, she’s a giant fatass. obviously.

the character katniss is supposed to be on the verge of starvation throughout just about the entire novel. and lawrence is so totally does not have the deathcamp look. [and hey, if you're one of the people who hated on jennifer lawrence because she was too pretty, then you're prolly one of the same losers who hated on sam worthington for his hair in clash of the titans. scumbag.] so, it’s really too bad that while you’re trying to enjoy this movie, you’ll be forced to look at a beautiful young woman. i don’t know how these producers sleep at night.

but other than woody harrelson SAYING, “hey bros, find some water, ’cause you’re gonna be thirsty ‘n’ stuff,*” you have no idea that starvation is supposed to be a problem. [*not actual film dialogue]

and really, i’m getting rambly and long-winded again. the problem is danger. there’s no danger. could katniss die? nah. will she find food and water. why wouldn’t she? holy cow that firestorm almost slightly singed her hair! whew. close call.

other casting controversey?
spoiler alert #2: black actors were hired to play black characters.
this sweet little gal, Amandla Stenberg, plays Rue.

power

the name doesn’t give much away. i guess, if you were french, you could imagine someone french. or if you were american, maybe a cajun. still not quite definitive. so, where to look for some kind of physical description…. the text? no. that’s silly. why would an author ever actually DESCRIBE a character? hm. where else? oh what the hell. let’s check the text!

stick to the text, dude

now i don’t know about you, but that just SCREAMS elle fanning at me. and because it bears mentioning, Thresh, the other black competitor, is described as such: “He has the same dark brown skin and golden brown eyes as Rue.” and in fairness to the setting of the story, suzanne collins is obviously trying to create a multi-racial future where it’d be hard to find ANYone who you could describe with such a limiting phrase as african-american or caucasian. this is a world where all the races are mixing – we don’t all look chinese YET, but it’s a lot closer that we are now. and if you were imagining rue and thresh as cute, typical, little whities, because you just skimmed the direct description, that’s fine. people make mistakes. i finally read wuthering heights a few months back, and i still have no idea which linton was married to which cathy or catherine or someone was name earnshaw. fudge it.  i don’t blame you.

(regarding lenny kravitz? i’m really hoping it’s just because mos def had scheduling conflicts.)

and i know, i know. this has all been hashed out in the media ad-nauseum. i’m really only including it here to say that if you were pissed about being forced to actually give a shit about black characters, please, FUCK. OFF. fuck off, and don’t ever come back.

and really, even though i like lawrence in the role, it might only have been because she’s the only actor of the on-screen kiddies who realizes she’s in a major motion picture, and not a local high school one-act UIL meet. but this isn’t the first science fiction flick to ever ask its audience to suspend their disbelief. and it won’t be the last. even this year!

so would you believe i like it? ’cause i do. but i’m a liar. so watch it. in the theater no less – it’s a good crowd experience. still, in the overall scheme of things, i’d say it doesn’t get done what it wants to get done as much as Woman in Black. and really, if you’re looking for an awesome time in the theater with ridiculous action and morals so secondary they might as well not even be there, check out Wrath of the Titans!

woo!

The Drifter and The Bartender

But, first thing’s first. Every once in a while, movie news comes around that gets me all riled simply because it describes a movie that I can’t possibly imagine. Enter director Guy Moshe and his new movie: Bunraku. Moshe has directed something called Holly (starring Ron Livingston, Chris Penn (that’s how old it is) and Udo Kier … weird) which I’ve never seen. And now this. Starring Josh Hartnett, Demi Moore, Woody Harrelson and Ron Perlman. Equally weird. Genre? Western/Action/Comic/Kung-Fu/Noir/Post-Apocalypic/Musical. Yeah … soak that up before we move on.

Bunraku takes its name from the ancient Japanese art of puppet theater. Ask me why after I‚Äôve seen it. So Hartnett stars as “The Drifter” and Woody is “The Bartender,” which I admit is a little ‚Ķ not pretentious. What‚Äôs the word? I dunno, but it sounds like it might be trying too hard. Add to that reports that while much of the film‚Äôs audience at the Toronto Film Festival was all in with it and cheering in their seats, others left them completely, walking out of the theater. And if a movie is a kung-fu/musical (see also A Kung Fu Tale, Kung-Fu Hustle, Chandni Chowk to China and the forthcoming Jackie Chan auto-bio-pic) has split audiences, I‚ÄôM FREAKING IN. Here‚Äôs a 2 year old q&a with Lucky Slevin himself.

Other News Bits:

Hubble and that rhymes with trouble - with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pool!

* Alfonso Cuaron (Children of Men, The Little Princess) is directing a future stranded in space movie called Gravity. It may or may not feature Natalie Portman in a role that was possibly, maybe offered to Angelina Jolie, who probably turned it down if it was ever actually offered to her. All’s I know is that I’m fairly sure Cuaron is directing a movie about getting stuck in space while fixing Hubble.  And that it’s starring Robert Downey, Jr. and maybe probably Sandra Bullock in the role that Natalie Portman is probably not filling.

Kate. ...with a blade

* Kate Bosworth is in a movie. Strange right? Is it odd that I think of her from Blue Crush before Superman Returns?¬†I haven’t even seen Blue Crush? It‚Äôs a period piece set in the early 1900s called The Warrior‚Äôs Way and co-stars Geoffrey Rush and the star of the ultra-beautiful South Korean epic The Promise, Dong-Gun Jang.¬† I don‚Äôt know much, except that Bosworth does her own stunts, fight scenes and knife-throwing.
* And a question: if I told you that they were sequelizing Brendan Fraser‚Äôs¬†3-D nightmare, Journey to the Center of the Earth, replacing Fraser with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and calling it Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (see what they did there?) and were no-doubt shooting it in digital 3-D would you care? Should you care? After you‚Äôve obviously said “No” just then, would it make a difference if I threw Sir Michael Caine in the mix? How ‚Äòbout if it seemed as though it will be based on the other classic Jules Verne novel about an island filled with giant animals, and it only made sense for Sir Caine to play the famous Captain Nemo? Would that make a difference? ‚Ķ Didn‚Äôt think so.
* And finally – it seems as though Robert Rodriguez won’t be directing Ryan Reynolds in the Deadpool movie (even though he reportedly likes the script) because of a scheduling conflict. Which isn’t the worst news in the world. He’d be good for Deadpool, but so would others. But the conflict is because of Spy Kids 4. Screw you Robert Rodriguez. Screw you right in the brain.

And let me rep Total Film magazine (the bestest ever) for a minute. Check out these mini-bonuses:

23 ways for Joss Whedon to booby up the sausage-fest that is The Avengers.
www.tinyurl.com/23girlsavengers

And the polls are open! Vote on your favorites of 2010. It’s been an off year, but a few standouts have made it a good one. Check the results in a month or so…
www.totalfilm.com/hotlist2010

And finally, because I can…

Zombieland

I saw a completely unnecessary blurb about this movie(reviewed here) the other day that hailed it as Superbad meets Shaun of the Dead.¬† Ignore all the ridiculous comparisons to other movies and just know that this is a big bloody mess of pure zombie fun.¬†¬† If you‚Äôre still on the fence with current zombie flicks, give this a chance and throw this in the Netflix queue or head down to Blockbuster if one still exists in your area.¬† I guarantee you‚Äôll end up wishing you‚Äôd bought it less than 10 minutes into watching it.¬† If you’re a DVD/blu-ray addict, then I totally endorse a blind-buy here.

The House of the Devil

This throwback (reviewed here) to early late 70s/early 80s horror is probably one of the my favorite horror flicks in recent memory.¬† From the desaturated colors, to the music, to the funky edits it‚Äôs got all the hallmarks of the genre in old school effect.¬† Not to mention it‚Äôs got some straight up evildoing going on, as in the Satanic kind.¬† For you gorehounds out there this isn’t all nonsense about witches and chanting, there’s some juicy stuff going on in this little movie. The thumbnail below links to the blu-ray, but for you hardcore horror nostalgia nerds, there‚Äôs a DVD/VHS combo set right here.¬†¬† I really wish that had been a blu-ray/vhs combo but still very cool and I‚Äôm tempted to pull the trigger on it myself.¬† Anyways, more Satanic cult films please!

Adam

Adam (reviewed here)is one of those films that while I know it‚Äôs got a potentially award winning performance in it, I don‚Äôt think it‚Äôs selling it‚Äôs soul to get one.¬† Case in point, this movie went largely ignored by the mainstream and hasn‚Äôt garnered a single nomination for, well, anything.¬† I really don‚Äôt give a damn in the longrun about who wins what, because a good movie is a good movie.¬† This is a small, intimate little flick about a guy named Adam, who has Asperger’s syndrome.¬† Adam’s dad just passed away, and he’s left living alone for the first time. It‚Äôs actually a really interesting character study about life with Asperger’s, and dealing with relationships and emotional distress. It’s sort of unique, and deals with subject matter that hasn’t really been covered yet in a movie extensively, I highly recommend it.¬† This is also a perfect date movie, and is coming out just in time for you softies out there.¬† Unfortunately it‚Äôs not on blu-ray, but still worth a buy on DVD for you high def junkies.

NEW TO BLU-RAY

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

It’s kind of strange that although this movie features some of the weirdest, trippiest visuals you’ll ever see, it’s really one of Terry Gilliam’s most accessible movies.  If you haven’t seen it and want to see Johnny Depp act insane, along with Benicio Del Toro for a couple of hours then pick it up, it’s finally on blu-ray.

Firing on all cylinders this weekend is the zombie/post apocalyptic film I’ve been waiting for.  Does Zombieland have a plot?  Barely.  Does it have loads of zombies getting shredded for 80 minutes?  Maybe not 80 minutes but at least 60 minutes of this film is just non-stop craziness with the undead.  So for the sake of plot, we get an absolute blast.  Besides, would you really want some bullshit about “a cure” ruining what turns out to be a coming of age flick with flesh eating drones?  That’s rhetorical, asshole!  Of course you want the coming of age crap!

Ah, the story.  Columbus (Michael Cera, uhhhh I mean Jesse Eisenberg)  finds himself heading home to Ohio after the zombie invasion has ruined his shit while attending UT Austin (lots of love for Texas in this flick).  Along the way, he runs into Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) who happens to love nothing more than killing zombies and chasing his holy grail (or classic MacGuffin), the last Twinkie earth has to offer.  As you probably know from the film’s previews, they also pick up a couple of sisters (Abigail Breslin and Emma Stone) and from there they decide to make their way to an amusement park in LA.  Why?  To give the younger girl the youth she never had.

I know the plot is hokey, but the characters really do make up for it.¬† Woody Harrelson is pretty damn likable in general, but here he‚Äôs just such a badass that you hope they make a video game centered around him slaying zombies so you can feel what it‚Äôs like to have such a mighty hog by proxy.¬† The female characters are very strong and for the most part command the journey as soon as they show up.¬† As is rather traditional with the horror genre, the male characters are much more feminine and display more emotion than the girls.¬† I won‚Äôt dare divulge Tallahassee’s hang ups, but Columbus is just a big ball of vagina.¬† He‚Äôs so awkward and openly admits that his seclusion in his life before ‚ÄúZ-Land‚Äù helped him prepare for the onslaught of isolation that he‚Äôs stuck with.¬† Although all the characters come out of this movie having learned something, his character has the most at stake throughout the whole flick and for that he has the more emphasized arc.

So do they try to over explain why everyone is a zombie?  There is a one line piece of a dialog that gives a brief mythology of what’s happening and that’s it.  As I touched on above, this movie isn’t about figuring out what’s happening or trying to fix the world.  This is a movie for zombie film fans, cut and dry.  I didn’t stumble in thinking this would be 28 Days Later.  I knew this was more of your Shaun of the Dead-type zombie flick.  If anything, it’s more about being human than analyzing the undead.  This helps to invest in the characters and you end up caring about their well being rather than whatever goals they might have.  Which is pretty damn cool if you think about it- you will like these characters even though you really have no idea where they might be in 10 years.  It simply doesn’t matter.

And the cherry on top is the humor.  I’ll warn you, if you have any desire to see this film DO NOT talk to anyone that has seen it nor check out the IMDB page.  There is a sequence about halfway through the film that really is a great surprise for any film geek.  You’ll think I’m being paid by Columbia, but I recommend seeing the movie as soon as you can because it’s only a matter of days before this sequence ends up in the TV Spots.  At any rate, the movie is balls out funny.  If you like Zombie humor, meet your new favorite horror comedy.  This is the blow job machine of the genre, folks.

If there is one blemish, it’s that a really nice money shot goes to complete shit.  There’s a sequence that involves a theme park ride (the Revolution if you’re a carney and familiar with such things) completely takes out three zombies during a climactic chase.  It literally looks like when the ride makes contact with them, the editor clicks on the zombies with his mouse and drags them off screen.  It’s weird, too because most of the zombies are just oozing blood constantly but in this shot, there’s nary a drop.  This is most disappointing because it’s in the trailer as well and I was looking forward to it.  Luckily it can’t possibly spoil the whole movie.

As I mentioned, this is the zombie flick I’ve been waiting for.  It doesn’t waste time with heavy handed messages, there’s some pretty classic kills, you’ll hurt it’s so funny, and Woody just kicks ass throughout.  I haven’t seen this weekend’s other horror film yet (Paranormal Activity) but I implore you to go see this movie with a large crowd.  We had a lot of fun and if you get a good crowd, you’re really in for a treat.