Nintendo Wii: The (Mixed) Family Console.

*Your orgy participants' appearances may vary.

The fourth installment in the Wii Ware exclusive Bit. Trip series, Bit. Trip Runner is the most elaborate of the games brought to us by the folks over at Gaijin Games (which apparently consists of four dudes in a room about the size of my living room, e.g. 1/5 of a Sex in The City chick’s shoe closet). You are placed in a 4-bit, retro-canvased world and given the task of guiding Commander Video through it. On the surface, that’d seem to be all there is to it and honestly, a lot of people are only going to get just that out of this game.

What people who take this game at face value are going to see is a platformer that presents the character they’re meant to control with a vital mechanic missing from his controls: Commander Video is constantly running at a steady rate. Instead of negotiating the pace of the gameplay as in something like Mario Bros. or Sonic game, you are forced to react by jumping over rocks, kicking down breakable roadblocks, sliding underneath UFO’s and fireballs, activating spring boards to propel you over impossible jumps, and blocking stray “beats” with your pong/beat paddle as you helplessly run toward all of them. So yes, if you looking at this as a platformer, you’re going to find the whole concept of being forced to run to be a hindrance to the gameplay. But good news! This isn’t actually a platformer.

What you’re actually playing in Bit. Trip Runner is rhythm game (think: Rock Band/Guitar Hero, Elite Beat Agents) dressed up as a platformer and what you’re actually doing when running through a level is running through a song. You’ll forgive me as I’m not exactly musically inclined to the degree that I’d notice this right off the bat but each level does seem to imitate the structure of very basic songs in that some arrangements of platforms and obstacles you navigate are repeated 2-4 times throughout most levels much the same way a song has verses that repeat throughout it. Commander Video’s actions (your actions) during levels set off key beats in the level’s music against the bass line already in play while you move along. The funny part is, I only noticed this “levels as songs” concept when after playing level 1-11 for the 30th time, I found myself beat boxing that level/song in the car, head bobbing and all.¬† So if you consider it a plus, Bit. Trip Runner makes you a better Justin Timberlake.

Destined for greatness.

About that “30th time through level 1-11″ comment, yeah, that was during one sitting. You will fail at this is game constantly. I didn’t say die because you don’t ever actually die – you don’t have “lives” to lose – but instead, Commander Video is unceremoniously driven back to the beginning of the level every time you fuck up.¬† This is definitely one of those games you don’t want to completely think about when playing it as it seems that when you turn half your brain off, you have one those “how did I read 50 pages?” moments.¬† I didn’t really take that strategy to heart in the beginning and that’s when I started whining like a little bitch about wanting a check point, that’s when I was deservedly labeled a pussy by my loving wife. I’m paraphrasing but the gist was:

Pfft. “Check points.” “Save points.” I remember when we had to leave our NES on pause for hours, sometimes days on end, so we could do stuff only to come back and lose all our lives in Super Mario Bros.¬† Kids have it too easy today.¬† You aren’t even losing lives, dude.¬† You’re given infinite chances; you’re the one that keeps fucking up.

Goddammit she’s right.¬† I was so fucking pumped after she told me that I started up the level and promptly died again.¬† She told me I was done, to let it go and turn off the game.¬† I took a weekend break and beat it on the first try the next time.¬† Thanks, coach.

The game lays out a perfect path (that requires perfect precision from the player) for Commander Video to follow.¬† Sitting or floating along the stylishly pixelated trail are a random number of¬† little stacks of gold bars and four larger, pink jumping-jack-like things you are meant to pick up by running over or jumping toward them.¬† If you collect them all in any given level, congratulations, you’ve played the game properly at which point you’ll be whisked to a super lo-res Pitfall-esque bonus stage where you’re meant to score beaucoup points by picking up more gold bars.¬† In addition, the pink thingies are score multipliers for the points you get for gold bars you pick up and also improve the quality of the music from a lo-fi chiptune sound to a mini harmonic symphony.¬† That and the generate a sweet ass rainbow trail behind Commander Video.

All of these ingredients combine to make an addictive experience.¬† I’d even go as far as to say if your one of those people who’d prefer a traditional platformer, you probably couldn’t put down the controller right away.¬† Bit. Trip Runner has this “bag-of-potato-chips” quality about it where you know you should put the bag down after the hour of picking at it but you keep shoveling chips in your face because¬† you’re weak-willed bastard.¬† The sweat on your palms from all the adrenaline pumping through you while you play this is comparable to the chip grease you wipe on your pants.¬† While I’m busy making comparisons, for everybody who’s ever shot a basketball or rolled bowling ball, etc. only to have that feeling of dread as it leaves you fingers where you know that it’s not going to connect, miss timing a jump in this game has the exact same feeling and it really sucks because of the frequency of its occurrence.¬† That’s hardly a mark against the game though; that’s just its nature.

I’ve only few quibbles.¬† While I’ve accepted that I should man up and play this naked like a Spartan, another, lesser difficulty that included checkpoints for the levels would’ve been a nice extra to have.¬† Sometimes, I just don’t feel like maximizing my pump and would prefer an executive workout.¬† Sometimes, I just want to be held and told everything’s going to be alright.¬† Also – and this has more to do with Nintendo’s rant-worthy crappy online experience – this is the kind of game that begs for leaderboards.¬† To attain a perfect score at this game is Herculean effort and something you should be able to brag about to anonymous strangers.¬† You can’t even do that with people on your friend list as the option just isn’t there.¬† That’s truly a shame.

But as the game stands, it’s truly a sublime experience.¬† There’s literally nothing complicated about Bit. Trip Runner’s gameplay yet you’ll be compelled to play this game for that very reason.¬† It’s got great style, music and level design and all for $8.¬† If you have the means, Bit. Trip runner is approved and recommended for everybody and their mother.¬† Hey, some mothers might be able to handle this:

What we have here is a trailer showcasing some of the online multiplayer versus modes such as the always popular Team Death Match and what appears to be an explosive version of hot potato, Count Down to Extinction. A dose of extra happiness comes in with preview reports stating that the game controls rather well especially the Uncharted-esque, over the shoulder, 3rd person shooting.

To all the sharp-eyed, Transformers nerds out there (your author included), you might notice everybody’s fan favorite fem-bot, Arcee toward the end of the trailer as well as the surprising addition of what appears to be the evil fem-bot Slipstream, from the criminally cut short Transformers Animated. Even with the insistence of using a movie-like voice for Megatron, you have to appreciate the fan love going into this thing.

Transformers: War for Cybertron rolls out for Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, Windows and DS on June 22, 2010

Here’s your list of classes that are probably real somewhere in California:

Being married keeps me from this.

Otaku Studies 1310: Students will have a firm understanding of a plethora of nerd topics including, but not limited to, the following:  Anime & Japanese Culture, Professional Wrestling (specifically Puroresu & Lucha Libre), Star Wars, Samurai/Western/Sci-fi Movies, Toy Collecting, Video Games, and Super Heroes, etc.

It really does help to have an unwarranted appreciation for both popular and obscure nerd interests going into this.¬† No More Heroes creator, Goichi Suda or Suda 51 as he commonly goes by, is known for an eclectic collection of preoccupations.¬† A common gripe about this game is that Suda has taken everything he’s ever loved about everything he’s ever been interested in and put it all in this game and expects you to love it too.¬† It can be a bit overwhelming at times, even if you’re into half of any of those things.¬† So, needless to say, if you’re into none of those things, you may just hate the game right off the bat.

Motion Control Appreciation 2301 (Pre-Prerequisite: Waggle App. 1301):  The students will learn to appreciate a non-waggle approach to motion control.

I can totally admit it: the swordplay in Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess sucked hard and this, more than Wii Sports, is what I think helped birth the hatred of motion control and the term “waggle;” especially with whatever “core” gamers Nintendo has.

While it’s not perfect, No More Heroes takes a big step in the right direction.¬† The control of your weapon, a lightsab…beam katana, isn’t 1:1 or that is to say, swinging the wiimote doesn’t directly correspond to how the sword moves on the screen. Instead, swinging it is accomplished by simply mashing the A button repeatedly.¬† If this sounds boring then you probably hate Final Fight, TMNT: The Arcade Game, or any other 90′s beat ‘em up.¬† Luckily, combat is made more interesting in that you must hold the wiimote either high or low in order to focus your attacks respectively.¬† Upon depletion of the opponent’s life bar, you’ll be prompted to deliver a death blow by swinging the wiimote in any given horizontal or vertical motion thereby unleashing copious amounts of blood and cash.¬† Occasionally, when you and an opponent lock up swords, you’ll be prompted to spin the wiimote in a circular fashion and if you win, you’ll be set up for a death blow as well.¬† I’d be lying if I said that actually having to swing the wiimote here wasn’t satisfying, especially when you get caught up in the heat of fighting.

Male fans of masturbating or women who enjoy giving handies will be really excited when your katana runs out of juice.¬† Seems beam katana technology isn’t quite there yet in the NMH universe and with constant use, the phallic metaphor kicks in and your glowing rod powers down.¬† No worries; just like real life simply work your wiimote like you do the Macy’s catalogs. When it’s ready again, you’ll hear a happy little 80′s arcade sound and lo and behold, you’re ready to tear it up again with your brilliant staff of homicidal might.¬† Seriously, when the katana powers down, I love that they did this, it really helps to shake the wiimote like your punching your crotch as it charges much, much faster.¬† A little wiggle or half-assed, limp wristed side jacking charges it slowly.

The pro wrestling aspect of the game makes it’s main appearance here as some attacks can stun your opponents and leave them open to a wrestling maneuver.¬† When initiated, you’re prompted to move both the wiimote and nunchuk controllers simultaneously in various directions usually twice for one move.¬† Appreciation for wrestling helps here as many obscure moves make an appearance randomly while you usually just wind up pulling off brainbusters and German suplexes.¬† I’m not going to expose how much of a wrestling nerd I am here but suffice to say, wrestling fans, you are covered.

Now, if you’re the kind of gamer who when referring to waggle is talking about the mindless shaking of the wiimote to achieve an action that could easily be assigned to a button press, then yes, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the controls of this game.¬† Suda and the fine folks at Grasshopper Manufacture (the development studio) use motion control to heighten and compliment the combat experience in NMH and for the most part, they’ve succeeded.

Head comes off, money comes out.

However, if when you refer to waggle you are referring to motion control and your general disdain for the concept, move along or buy it for the PS360.¬† You can play this from the comfort of your couch but not enough to appease you.¬† Eventually, you’ll find yourself standing up, swinging your controllers around (especially during boss fights) like the ninja you’ve always wanted to be but never could because you’re too busy playing games sitting down.¬† I’m the kind of guy that usually winds up standing while playing anyway but…moving on…

Kitch 6969:¬†¬† Any and all things that society generally says are good in story telling will be disregarded by the student. The student will master the ability to look at poop and say, “it’s angel’s tears.”

No More Heroes answers the question, “what if Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, and Eli Roth finally made the sweet man love they’ve always wanted to make with each other, spit in the face of nature’s laws,¬† had a kid who, by the graces of his genetics, grew into one bat shit insane director, and decided to make video game with a story that played out like a fucked up soap opera?”¬† I can finally sleep at night knowing the answer.¬† Seriously, the story is completely ridonkulous.

You take control of the amalgamation of everything that makes a nerd a loser- Travis Touchdown.¬† Travis lives in a one bedroom apartment with his cat, Jeanne, his anime toy collection, luchadore mask collection, and an assortment of video games and porn, the supplier of which, is his only friend.¬† On eBay, he wins¬† a beam katana and soon afterward he doesn’t have enough money for all his nerd shit. ¬† Logically, he decides he’ll make money by becoming a professional assassin and enters the United Assassins Association headed by sex pot, Sylvia Christel.

I’m not done blowing your mind.

After he wins his money for killing a dude by the name of Helter Skelter, Sylvia then informs Travis that he has now been officially entered into the UAA rankings at number 10.¬† Initially wanting no part of the UAA ranking, he’s convinced by Sylvia to go along with it since everybody behind him in ranking will now be gunning for him.¬† Plot complete.¬† The story tries to get more interesting after this and it does but in a B-film kinda way.

The flow of the game has you earning money to upgrade equipment, your stats, and to pay the entrance fees for fighting the next ten assassins.  This means taking little hit jobs and, of course, mowing lawns (with motion control!), pumping gas, picking, and collecting coconuts.

Choirs sound like fun right?¬† No?¬† Well it’s better than driving around Santa Destroy, the town in which you dwell. There’s literally nothing to do here.¬†¬† I mean, I guess there is if you count riding around on your absurdly large motorcycle from location to location while running over pedestrians with no consequences.¬† You can go buy t-shirts, wrestling tapes, and upgrades for beam katana and three different stores but other than that, the town’s pretty pointless.¬† So much so that I’ve read they nixed the whole town aspect from the second game.

About the only thing that I can almost promise that anybody will like here are the bosses.¬† The ten (or more?) assassins you have to kill to climb the UAA ranks are some the most original yet tacky bunch of weirdos I’ve seen in a game.¬† They are the reason to play this game.¬† Aside from their demented personae, each of them is a blast to fight against and are all of balanced difficulty.¬† They spit out stupid one liners with purposefully terrible voice acting.¬† Some might actually be puzzles.¬† Some might shoot gimps at you.¬† I’m doing my damnedest to not just tell you about them in detail as I love them so.

I can only guarantee you that more horrible story, shitty voice acting, and clich√©d pop references keep rearing their corny heads the rest of the game.¬† However, I can offer you some solace if you are a gamer and if you understand…

Satire 101: It’s fucking satire.

You.¬† Yeah, you, reading the review.¬† Have you been playing video games for a while?¬† Since you were a kid?¬† Got a 2600 or NES for Christmas; did’ja get a Genesis or a Playstation?¬† If any of those were your first systems and you’ve playing games since then, this game is a joke about you. Well maybe not exactly you. I don’t know you personally, but more along the lines of a gamer stereotype.¬† Playing as a douchebag who lives out his life feverishly collecting toys, anime, and video games that becomes a light saber wielding bad ass with zero training, screaming obscenities during his battles and constantly flirting with slutty women?¬† That’s what Suda 51 thinks gamers ultimately want so here you are.

Suda is one of you and he knows, in this day of epic stories in gaming, what lies beneath your desire to play games.¬† When you’re sitting there playing God of War, you may not be conscious of it anymore, but you’re playing out a fantasy.¬† You weren’t there for Kratos’ childhood, his training, or his loss but you are told about it to give you some semblance of motivation for his/your actions while dismembering everything in your path.¬† This is for revenge and this is why your justified in doing what you do.

Travis Touchdown offers you no super serious back story and the events that unfold throughout the game are just there to laugh at.¬† He’s a force: a nerdy, horny, foul mouthed id that kills just because.¬† We’re being given the truest version of what a nerdy gamer wants: to cut up shit with a light saber and yes, it’s stupid and immature.¬† When Suda’s done pointing and laughing at you for enjoying what he’s made, he comes in for a man hug and we’re off to the bar together.¬† This is self deprecating humor at it’s finest.¬† This is self loathing; this is self acceptance.

Or maybe not.  I could just be over thinking it.

I love this game.¬† I mean that in a non-hyperbolic way.¬† It’s got its faults; a lot of them major and seemingly there on purpose sometimes. But somehow all the little things come together to make something great happen.¬† I liken this to a Tarantino movie in that it takes and borrows from so many others before it but the love that went into shows that it’s something unique despite (or because of) its parts.¬† PS360 owners, buy the remake.¬† Wii owners, buy the sequel.¬† No More Heroes for the Wii is approved, endorsed and highly recommended…for some.

Don't forget to save your game.