I know what you’re thinking, “Adam says ‚ÄòI know what you’re thinking‚Äô in nearly every Crawl Space review.”¬† It‚Äôs true, and I‚Äôm going to have to apologize for that.¬† What can I say, I‚Äôm not exactly Roger Ebert here.¬† But aside from that, you’re definitely thinking that choosing Fear Dot Com to review was too easy.¬† Everyone knows this movie is horrendous, and it‚Äôs a complete mistake to watch this.¬† This is one of those movies that you catch yourself watching on cable at 4 in the morning when you‚Äôve been drinking all night and the alcohol just won‚Äôt finish you off.¬† Well let me tell you, nothing was too easy about this.¬† At one point I’m pretty sure I lost consciousness, and when I came to I couldn’t really tell if I’d miss any plot details or if I was still having an awful nightmare.

I’ve actually seen Fear Dot Com before and it was in almost the exact scenario I just outlined previously.  I was severely drunk; like top 10 of all time drunk.  The kind of drunk where you not only make bad decisions thinking they are positively good ones, but also the kind where your senses appear to be sharpened when they are in reality the complete opposite.  The kind of drunk where you drink beer to sober up.  You with me?  Alright then.  The first time I watched Fear Dot Com was in ’04 I believe, and even though I was completely fucked in half, I knew this movie was awful and it brought me to the point of tears.  So when James recommended this movie for a Crawl Space write-up I knew exactly what I was in for with one big difference: I would have to watch it sober.

Fear Dot Com is about a website where you can watch people die.  48 hours after you view this totally legal website, you die.  You read that correctly.  Not only does a website exist that involves killing victims live via the internet, but if you happen upon this site you can pretty much check yourself into the morgue.  This movie is definitely a product of the dot com boom and desperately and unsuccessfully tries to insert a new staple into the horror genre.   Virgins always live, extra marital sex and drugs kill, and now websites make you die.  I have no idea what exactly is really going on in this movie.  There’s a dude killing girls on a website, and something about the negative energy trapped in the ‘wires’ will cause you to die if you view it.  Deacon Frost is in this, and that should give you some indication to strap yourself in for a terrifying ride of epic proportions.   Natasha McElhone is also here, who absolutely doesn’t belong as I actually like her and would sex her in a heartbeat.  Why, Natasha, why???

Once the main characters figure out that viewing this site causes a slow death, naturally they both decide to log on.  Hey I know, let’s check this website out that is causing people to hemorrhage and die!  Fucking idiots, all of them.  I know this movie came out in ’02, but why is Hollywood intent on completely mangling how the internet and computers work in movies?  Just once I’d like to see a character use a browser that is based in reality and not some weird, Fisher Price-style, full-screened Netscape mutation.  And don’t even get me started on why text always has to make a noise.  I get why this technique is employed, it’s used to stimulate our senses and assure that something is definitely happening.  But it’s just so ridiculous every time.  Text is never a static display, it’s always a stream of words that gradually unfold on the screen and make that funny and completely fabricated digital text noise.  You know what I’m talking about.   I don’t know what bothers me more, this or cell phones having absolutely the largest text displays known to man.  I blame War Games for this shit.  Like War Games, the only way to win at Fear Dot Com is to not play.  Or watch.  For the love of all that is sacred and dear to you, just don’t watch.

To the movie‚Äôs credit, it does feature some really cool lighting, or lack of.¬† It‚Äôs got this interesting neo-noir vibe going on, only it‚Äôs obviously wasted on the dumbest story you can possibly imagine.¬† Fear Dot Com clearly takes place in a world where there is the smallest amount of light possible, and everything is underneath a layer of grime.¬† I haven‚Äôt seen a movie feature this much darkness and filth since Seven. Even as cool as that movie is, I was screaming at the screen, ‚ÄúJust flip the GOD DAMN LIGHT SWITCH ON!‚Äù. ¬†It also features one of the funniest kill shots in cinematic history. ¬†You know the scene in the end of Jaws where Brody is about to fire at the tank in the shark’s mouth and says, “Smile you son of a bitch!”? ¬†Imagine that, only with someone pushing an enter button on a keyboard killing the bad guy with the internet! ¬†Holy Hell.

This movie probably worked on the page, until it got to the point in the script where it said, “…and the website kills people!”.  I’m actually completely out of energy here, the movie has erased any will to live that I once possessed.  I could just keep on writing in this semi-zombie state , but it’d range from slightly readable to excruciatingly dull and tedious.  I hate you, James.  Why did you make me do this?  I can’t even properly rip on this movie it’s so bad.  I thought Sleepy Hollowman 2:  The  Headless Howling Hollower was terrible but this movie takes things to a whole new level.

Stephen Rea is in this, too.  Shame on you, asshole.

Welcome to Adam‚Äôs Crawl Space. Now, exactly what the title of this column means, I‚Äôd prefer to leave open to interpretation.¬† The image that comes to mind personally is that of me, huddled in my dark, creepy “crawl space” if you will (me in my bedroom and a laptop) and watching things that are artistically questionable.¬† Basically shit that you would never expect me to watch and review, I‚Äôm going to do.¬† It won‚Äôt all be Olsen twins movies (although those are definitely coming) but it will as I said, be films that shouldn‚Äôt necessarily be called “films.”