So I could write my review and leave it as thus:  H.O.T.S -they could have just called it T.I.T.S.

But good news for you, I have more to say than just a one-liner. ¬†My god this movie is fucking spectacular! ¬†This isn’t a film for just anybody. ¬†More specifically, it’s a movie for dudes (although The Wife did witness all 98 minutes and made nary a complaint). ¬†It’s the kind of movie that starts with an establishing shot of the college setting and then BLAMMO, enter the female locker room and POW, there’s some boobies. ¬†I know, best movie ever right? ¬†Can’t possibly get better? ¬†Fuckin’ W.R.O.N.G. ¬†The very next scene wastes no time setting up the stellar plot line: a subset of well endowed women at a college are forbidden from pledging for the Pi Sorority. ¬†Within minutes of this banishment, they join forces and set out on the only sensible goal available- bed every man at the college, especially the frat boys that belong to the Pi girls. ¬†It’s remarkable in similarity to the plot for Revenge of the Nerds, but with more nudity. ¬†And with way more Bonaduce!

Ah the nudity. ¬†Some might even watch this movie and mistake it for just another B-flick. ¬†If you peruse the reviews on IMDb you’ll find people saying things like, “Plenty of T not enough A” or my personal favorite, “The Citizen Kane of 70s T&A Films!!!” Neither of those comments are without merit- there is a disproportion of T to A and it’s a pretty righteous flick. ¬†And I have to admit, there were times where I thought I was controlling this movie with my mind. ¬†I would think, “that bikini top can’t really hold on can it?” and then next thing I knew, it was gone! ¬†And I’ve always wondered what would happen if you combined football with strip poker and low and behold, there it showed up in the final twenty minutes of the movie. ¬†It’s interesting because while the nudity is 99% female in this film, I still came away feeling like it wasn’t completely derogatory. ¬†I know, I know but hear me out. ¬†It’s clear the H.O.T.S. Girls are using their sexuality as a weapon. ¬†Early on they have a run in with the Dean of the college and from that point they are under his careful watch as he anticipates their next misstep. ¬†But by the end of the film, the god damned guy is the referee for their football game! ¬†I’m sure some could interpret them taking off their shirts and being allowed carte blanche to rule the campus as completely chauvinistic. ¬†If you’re familiar with the male gaze of film theory, you can bet your ass it’s here. ¬†But I never got the impression that they went topless because it was silly or they didn’t have any self esteem. ¬†If anything, they did so to take control of a situation they had no control over in the opening scene. ¬†A lot of movies from this era, especially flicks like Animal House or Caddyshack, were predominantly male centric and women were virtually powerless/aimless throughout. ¬†H.O.T.S. gave women the chance to not only be the central characters, the film makes them damn near invincible. ¬†THE POWER OF THE BOOBIES!!!

So there is more story than what I mentioned but it’s really just two minuscule subplots. ¬†One involves a couple of just released from prison mafioso types returning to the H.O.T.S. manor to claim a bag of dough they left behind. ¬†I imagine these guys showed up in the script to attempt to balance out the bujunga bonanza. There’s also this silly shit about two dudes that kidnap (bear nap?) a grizzly bear mascot from a rival school. Seriously though, these are the parts where you’re supposed to go take a piss without missing part of the movie. ¬†You certainly don’t want to miss the topless skydiver sequence. ¬†Trust me.

Look, I know what you’re thinking- is this review for real? ¬†Well I’m here to tell you that not only did I enjoy the copious amounts of cheechees on display, the movie was actually pretty damn funny. ¬†I think it might even play better today than when it was released in 1979. ¬†It seems almost like it’s been forgotten and I can see that considering it’s so open with female sexuality. ¬†But watching it with 2010 eyes, it really works.¬†It also reminded me of the times when I was younger and would hang out with my friends until all hours of the night watching flicks like this and Bikini Carwash. ¬†It’s just a thing that dudes do. ¬†And no, these occurrences didn’t always end in rambunctious, gay sex. ¬†Sometimes we just played Counter Strike while those flicks played in the background. ¬†Either the past two sentences make no sense to you at all or you just got a little nostalgic. ¬†If you find yourself in the former category and haven’t done so already, add H.O.T.S. to your Netflix Instantque.

Fun bags.  There, I covered my foreshadowing from the opening.

Retro Review is a weekly column written by Dustin and occasionally other authors from the Breach. ¬†Here we take a look at films from yesteryear. ¬†1989 and older to be exact. ¬†At times we’ll try and analyze how the film has influenced modern cinema, discuss the quality of the current release, or just do a traditional review of the damn thing and throw it up here. ¬†As always, requests for these reviews are welcomed.