I should stress the ‘origin’ part too, because that seems to be every critic’s main issue with the movie, that by the time it gets started it’s over.  Personally I didn’t find this offensive at all, because Scott takes his time setting up who this Robin Longstride guy is and why, by the end of the film he’s an OUTLAAAAAAAAAAAW!!  I know everyone wants Robin Hood and his merry band of assholes to start thieving and clowning right from the get go, I totally understand that.  Oh, and there’s the inevitable Braveheart comparisons that people would start throwing around.  To all of this I say: Get over it, go see it and have some fun.  It’s entertaining, so pull Little John’s huge war mace/stick thing out of your ass and quit hating just to hate.  Every review of this movie I’ve read has been just that.  Really vicious, and hateful and trying waaaay too hard to dislike it.  In a way, I have these reviews to thank in part for lowering my expectations even more than they already were after I saw the first trailer.  So, thank you stuffy movie blog geeks!  Yes I realize how close I am to hanging myself with that line, but I don’t care.

Robin Hood tells the story of how Robin Longstride (Russell Crowe) came to be the outlaw and hero we all know and love.  Robin’s just a regular dude really; an archer in the King’s army fighting abroad.  After King Richard (Danny Huston) falls in battle, Robin and a few of his buddies (future merry men clearly) decide to pack it in and head home.  Along they way, they come across an ambush, set in motion by the king of France, that was supposed to kill the already dead Richard.  Leading this failed attempted ambush is Sir Godfrey (Mark Strong as a villain AGAIN), a sort of English and French double agent.  Robin and his men take the king’s crown home to London.  Let me fast forward a bit here.  Robin meets up with Lady Marion posing as her dead husband, there’s an ordeal with the Magna Carta, newly crowned King John is a jerk, and William Hurt squints a lot.  I really don’t need to spend the time spelling all of this out here, just know that there is a lot of treachery, assholery and jerkish behavior.  And tons of violence.  Nearly bloodless violence I might add.

I don‚Äôt think I‚Äôve ever seen a movie this violent with such little blood. ¬†It‚Äôs probably my only hardcore nitpick on the movie. ¬†If you‚Äôre going to do a good epic war movie, then by golly make it as nasty and bloody as you can. ¬†There are thousands of arrows in chests, swords through torsos, hammers bashing skulls, and a paltry amount of the red stuff. ¬† I suppose I can satisfy my blood lust through video games instead, oh well. ¬† However, despite the lack of gore the battle scenes are really terrific.¬† Let‚Äôs be honest here- Ridley Scott can film shit like this with his eyes closed. ¬† There are some really awesome sprawling shots of battle (all thankfully missing Gladiator’s terrible CGI) as well as some really gritty and completely filthy close up shots of carnage. ¬†I know that‚Äôs kind of Scott‚Äôs specialty- the muddy battle scene- but it works for me.

The performances you ask?  They range from pretty good, to just OK.  Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood is alright, he’s not nearly as grunty or ape-like as you might have expected him to be.  The only real problem is that he’s just a little bit too noble.  There’s a sense of humor that pokes out of him a few times, but it’s underused.  I don’t want Robin Hood cracking jokes and spouting one-liners every time he takes some dude out, but come on just a little more humor would’ve relieved some of the Cate Blanchett bitchiness.  Blanchett’s Lady Marion is by the numbers.  She’s a total ice queen badass who works tirelessly and hasn’t had sex in a very long time.  Unfortunately there’s not a whole lot of chemistry between her and Crowe, but you probably won’t give much of a shit when you’re watching.  There’s plenty of other stuff going on to keep you entertained so you won’t need to be attached to the story of these two.  Oscar Isaac is perfectly prickish as King John.  You will hate him something fierce, and that’s the point.  Max Von Sydow turns up as Marion’s father in law and he, as always, is fun to watch.  There were times when it sounded like he had swallowed a frog though, I don’t know what was up with that.  Mark Strong as Sir Godfrey portraying yet another villain,  continues to perform this task exceedingly well.  How the fuck is this guy ever going to be anything but a bad guy?  I almost feel sorry for him.

Then there’s Robin’s merry dude friends, who were probably the most fun I had watching in the movie.  They’re used rather sparingly, but they’re colorful and were clearly having fun filming the movie.  Kevin Durand (Martin Keamy from LOST) plays Little John, Scott Grimes is Will Scarlett, and Mark Addy is Friar Tuck.  There was also some dude that was sort of the minstrel in the bunch, but he was just a scrawny pup who didn’t do much but sing.  I enjoyed the tunes though, I really did.  I know I’ll probably be in the minority on this, but those guys were a blast to see fucking around and being their respective characters.

I still can‚Äôt believe I‚Äôm recommending this movie. ¬†The story is needlessly complex. ¬†The score is just outright boring. ¬†If Scott uses that soothing, female voice singing elvish or whatever Lord of the Rings style bullshit one more motherfucking time, I will shit.¬† Yes, I will shit my pants in defiance of Ridley Scott’s musical choices. ¬† Crowe is pretty badass at times as Robin. ¬†The movie is seriously fucking packed with action and some really kick ass battle scenes. ¬†Even with only trace amounts of blood it‚Äôs fun. ¬†What the movie lacks in blood it makes up for in saliva. There is a ridiculous amount of spit flying at you during every close-up of every actor. I don’t think I’ve ever seen William Hurt dribble spit down his bearded chin until now. Amazing. The gang of merry bros is also pretty rad, and by the end of the movie I actually wanted to see a sequel. ¬†I must be out of my god damn mind right now.

As for the Sheriff of Nottingham? ¬†Almost non-existent. He’s background, and is clearly a setup for a future meatier part in the Robin Hood story. In other words, Alan Rickman is still the king of that classic, scenery chewing role. ¬†He will never be topped. ¬†I went into this movie actively hating it and was pleasantly surprised that I was able to let go and enjoy it. Forget what these dick face blog critics are whining about and allow yourself to go and enjoy a really beautifully shot summer action flick. See a matinee if I haven‚Äôt sold you on it totally, but you should check it out at some point. ¬†Who knew that this would be only the second (mostly) positive review I‚Äôve ever given since the inception of this column?¬† I want to apologize to all of those who came in here expecting me to tear this film seven new assholes, and believe me I was primed to do just that.¬†¬† It just didn’t work out that way.

I’m out.

Paul Bettany (Michael) commands the viewers’ attention the moment he hits the ground. The movie opens with an intense scene as Michael prepares to go to the girl he needs to save. There’s blood and explosions right from the start. It really works to pull viewers in. Cut to Paradise Falls Diner in nowhere land and meet the very pregnant mother of the savior, Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) and her friend Jeep (Lucas Black), who secretly loves her. Jeep is the shy but cute southern good ole boy whose only care in the world is to take care of Charlie and her baby. His dad, Bob (Dennis Quaid), made the mistake of building a Diner in the middle of a desert thinking mini malls would soon follow but alas, they did not. So, now Jeep takes care of his dad and tries to fix cars in their barely equipped garage. It’s not until all of the characters are introduced that “grandma” enters the diner to provide the first scare. A frying pan can’t even break ole granny.

This movie is a mix of gross out horror, shoot out scenes, and deep conversations that go beyond the normal teenage silly horror flick. It is in these conversations that the movie really excels. There’s a great scene between Percy (Charles S. Dutton) and Kyle (Tyrese Gibson) on the rooftop of the Diner. I don’t want to give anything away but it‚Äôs moments like this where we remember why we like Charles S. Dutton (Mimic and Alien 3) as an actor. He’s heartfelt, man! The scenes between the 2 angels Michael and Gabriel (Kevin Durand) are really good as well. ¬†Now listen, if you don’t take the movie seriously then you’re not going to get what I’m saying here but some 0f their scenes, like the one when they are arguing about why God is wrong about mankind or another when Michael pleads with Gabriel to understand his position, you just really feel it. Who knew Kevin Durand (Smokin’ Aces) was a good actor? There is real depth to his character and subtext. You get the sense that they really love each other. On a silly note -¬† it got to the point where the gay innuendo throughout the film really peaked- Michael and Gabriel have a showdown in the Diner. I just kept thinking to myself that the Wayans Brothers will definitely use this in their next god-awful parody movie. I couldn’t help myself.

Legion is not the next great anything really but it was good and I recommend it if you like B movies of any kind. Zack and I have a pretty good mix of this kind of movie and Legion could easily be put in the top 10. (Bubba Ho-tep, Demon Knight, Big Trouble in Little China, Tales from the Dark Side, Pulse, Running Scared, Undead, Feast) All of the performances are worthy or better with the exception of the young slutty character. A spoon would have been a better casting choice. There’s spiritual symbolism throughout with Michael falling to earth in Los Angeles, the bulk of the movie takes place at Paradise Falls diner, and Jeep and Charlie have the initials J and C… Really the list goes on and on. Legion even has the token creepy child character who speaks in an evil voice. If you watch closely there’s a pretty funny shot of the child actor’s stunt double. Oh my god, it’s like they did that on purpose! (wink, wink) In the end this movie doesn’t have any right to be as good as it is. The first time director got very lucky with his cast and together they deliver a top notch flick.