Here’s your list of classes that are probably real somewhere in California:

Being married keeps me from this.

Otaku Studies 1310: Students will have a firm understanding of a plethora of nerd topics including, but not limited to, the following:  Anime & Japanese Culture, Professional Wrestling (specifically Puroresu & Lucha Libre), Star Wars, Samurai/Western/Sci-fi Movies, Toy Collecting, Video Games, and Super Heroes, etc.

It really does help to have an unwarranted appreciation for both popular and obscure nerd interests going into this.¬† No More Heroes creator, Goichi Suda or Suda 51 as he commonly goes by, is known for an eclectic collection of preoccupations.¬† A common gripe about this game is that Suda has taken everything he’s ever loved about everything he’s ever been interested in and put it all in this game and expects you to love it too.¬† It can be a bit overwhelming at times, even if you’re into half of any of those things.¬† So, needless to say, if you’re into none of those things, you may just hate the game right off the bat.

Motion Control Appreciation 2301 (Pre-Prerequisite: Waggle App. 1301):  The students will learn to appreciate a non-waggle approach to motion control.

I can totally admit it: the swordplay in Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess sucked hard and this, more than Wii Sports, is what I think helped birth the hatred of motion control and the term “waggle;” especially with whatever “core” gamers Nintendo has.

While it’s not perfect, No More Heroes takes a big step in the right direction.¬† The control of your weapon, a lightsab…beam katana, isn’t 1:1 or that is to say, swinging the wiimote doesn’t directly correspond to how the sword moves on the screen. Instead, swinging it is accomplished by simply mashing the A button repeatedly.¬† If this sounds boring then you probably hate Final Fight, TMNT: The Arcade Game, or any other 90′s beat ‘em up.¬† Luckily, combat is made more interesting in that you must hold the wiimote either high or low in order to focus your attacks respectively.¬† Upon depletion of the opponent’s life bar, you’ll be prompted to deliver a death blow by swinging the wiimote in any given horizontal or vertical motion thereby unleashing copious amounts of blood and cash.¬† Occasionally, when you and an opponent lock up swords, you’ll be prompted to spin the wiimote in a circular fashion and if you win, you’ll be set up for a death blow as well.¬† I’d be lying if I said that actually having to swing the wiimote here wasn’t satisfying, especially when you get caught up in the heat of fighting.

Male fans of masturbating or women who enjoy giving handies will be really excited when your katana runs out of juice.¬† Seems beam katana technology isn’t quite there yet in the NMH universe and with constant use, the phallic metaphor kicks in and your glowing rod powers down.¬† No worries; just like real life simply work your wiimote like you do the Macy’s catalogs. When it’s ready again, you’ll hear a happy little 80′s arcade sound and lo and behold, you’re ready to tear it up again with your brilliant staff of homicidal might.¬† Seriously, when the katana powers down, I love that they did this, it really helps to shake the wiimote like your punching your crotch as it charges much, much faster.¬† A little wiggle or half-assed, limp wristed side jacking charges it slowly.

The pro wrestling aspect of the game makes it’s main appearance here as some attacks can stun your opponents and leave them open to a wrestling maneuver.¬† When initiated, you’re prompted to move both the wiimote and nunchuk controllers simultaneously in various directions usually twice for one move.¬† Appreciation for wrestling helps here as many obscure moves make an appearance randomly while you usually just wind up pulling off brainbusters and German suplexes.¬† I’m not going to expose how much of a wrestling nerd I am here but suffice to say, wrestling fans, you are covered.

Now, if you’re the kind of gamer who when referring to waggle is talking about the mindless shaking of the wiimote to achieve an action that could easily be assigned to a button press, then yes, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the controls of this game.¬† Suda and the fine folks at Grasshopper Manufacture (the development studio) use motion control to heighten and compliment the combat experience in NMH and for the most part, they’ve succeeded.

Head comes off, money comes out.

However, if when you refer to waggle you are referring to motion control and your general disdain for the concept, move along or buy it for the PS360.¬† You can play this from the comfort of your couch but not enough to appease you.¬† Eventually, you’ll find yourself standing up, swinging your controllers around (especially during boss fights) like the ninja you’ve always wanted to be but never could because you’re too busy playing games sitting down.¬† I’m the kind of guy that usually winds up standing while playing anyway but…moving on…

Kitch 6969:¬†¬† Any and all things that society generally says are good in story telling will be disregarded by the student. The student will master the ability to look at poop and say, “it’s angel’s tears.”

No More Heroes answers the question, “what if Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, and Eli Roth finally made the sweet man love they’ve always wanted to make with each other, spit in the face of nature’s laws,¬† had a kid who, by the graces of his genetics, grew into one bat shit insane director, and decided to make video game with a story that played out like a fucked up soap opera?”¬† I can finally sleep at night knowing the answer.¬† Seriously, the story is completely ridonkulous.

You take control of the amalgamation of everything that makes a nerd a loser- Travis Touchdown.¬† Travis lives in a one bedroom apartment with his cat, Jeanne, his anime toy collection, luchadore mask collection, and an assortment of video games and porn, the supplier of which, is his only friend.¬† On eBay, he wins¬† a beam katana and soon afterward he doesn’t have enough money for all his nerd shit. ¬† Logically, he decides he’ll make money by becoming a professional assassin and enters the United Assassins Association headed by sex pot, Sylvia Christel.

I’m not done blowing your mind.

After he wins his money for killing a dude by the name of Helter Skelter, Sylvia then informs Travis that he has now been officially entered into the UAA rankings at number 10.¬† Initially wanting no part of the UAA ranking, he’s convinced by Sylvia to go along with it since everybody behind him in ranking will now be gunning for him.¬† Plot complete.¬† The story tries to get more interesting after this and it does but in a B-film kinda way.

The flow of the game has you earning money to upgrade equipment, your stats, and to pay the entrance fees for fighting the next ten assassins.  This means taking little hit jobs and, of course, mowing lawns (with motion control!), pumping gas, picking, and collecting coconuts.

Choirs sound like fun right?¬† No?¬† Well it’s better than driving around Santa Destroy, the town in which you dwell. There’s literally nothing to do here.¬†¬† I mean, I guess there is if you count riding around on your absurdly large motorcycle from location to location while running over pedestrians with no consequences.¬† You can go buy t-shirts, wrestling tapes, and upgrades for beam katana and three different stores but other than that, the town’s pretty pointless.¬† So much so that I’ve read they nixed the whole town aspect from the second game.

About the only thing that I can almost promise that anybody will like here are the bosses.¬† The ten (or more?) assassins you have to kill to climb the UAA ranks are some the most original yet tacky bunch of weirdos I’ve seen in a game.¬† They are the reason to play this game.¬† Aside from their demented personae, each of them is a blast to fight against and are all of balanced difficulty.¬† They spit out stupid one liners with purposefully terrible voice acting.¬† Some might actually be puzzles.¬† Some might shoot gimps at you.¬† I’m doing my damnedest to not just tell you about them in detail as I love them so.

I can only guarantee you that more horrible story, shitty voice acting, and clich√©d pop references keep rearing their corny heads the rest of the game.¬† However, I can offer you some solace if you are a gamer and if you understand…

Satire 101: It’s fucking satire.

You.¬† Yeah, you, reading the review.¬† Have you been playing video games for a while?¬† Since you were a kid?¬† Got a 2600 or NES for Christmas; did’ja get a Genesis or a Playstation?¬† If any of those were your first systems and you’ve playing games since then, this game is a joke about you. Well maybe not exactly you. I don’t know you personally, but more along the lines of a gamer stereotype.¬† Playing as a douchebag who lives out his life feverishly collecting toys, anime, and video games that becomes a light saber wielding bad ass with zero training, screaming obscenities during his battles and constantly flirting with slutty women?¬† That’s what Suda 51 thinks gamers ultimately want so here you are.

Suda is one of you and he knows, in this day of epic stories in gaming, what lies beneath your desire to play games.¬† When you’re sitting there playing God of War, you may not be conscious of it anymore, but you’re playing out a fantasy.¬† You weren’t there for Kratos’ childhood, his training, or his loss but you are told about it to give you some semblance of motivation for his/your actions while dismembering everything in your path.¬† This is for revenge and this is why your justified in doing what you do.

Travis Touchdown offers you no super serious back story and the events that unfold throughout the game are just there to laugh at.¬† He’s a force: a nerdy, horny, foul mouthed id that kills just because.¬† We’re being given the truest version of what a nerdy gamer wants: to cut up shit with a light saber and yes, it’s stupid and immature.¬† When Suda’s done pointing and laughing at you for enjoying what he’s made, he comes in for a man hug and we’re off to the bar together.¬† This is self deprecating humor at it’s finest.¬† This is self loathing; this is self acceptance.

Or maybe not.  I could just be over thinking it.

I love this game.¬† I mean that in a non-hyperbolic way.¬† It’s got its faults; a lot of them major and seemingly there on purpose sometimes. But somehow all the little things come together to make something great happen.¬† I liken this to a Tarantino movie in that it takes and borrows from so many others before it but the love that went into shows that it’s something unique despite (or because of) its parts.¬† PS360 owners, buy the remake.¬† Wii owners, buy the sequel.¬† No More Heroes for the Wii is approved, endorsed and highly recommended…for some.

Don't forget to save your game.