the gang

it’s been awhile since i’ve taken on a superhero flick here on the breach. i passed on thor and cap and hulk and lantern and whatever else might have popped up in there that i’m leaving out. not enough DC i say. but the last time i was here talking about men with super-suits or x-ray specs, i played naysayer to the worst sequel this side of Back to the Future 2. but it’s been a long time since then. and since dc is giving us … green lantern (sigh), marvel has been running rings around hollywood. in the interest of full disclosure, i’m a full on DC guy, and i’ll take the Trinity over ANY group, ANY day. still, iron man was awesome. captain america was pretty good. those 2 hulk movies were ok. and thor was … well … important to the avengers story at least.

lolz!

so here it is! all this time in the making. all the sitting through the end credits to see all the sam jackson cameos – all the press releases – all the shoe-horning of scarlett and renner into movies where they didn’t belong is finally over, and the end game is at hand. and while it might’ve been hard to see the point while you were sitting through the end of iron-man 2 or the parts of thor sans idris elba, much like a child doesn’t understand the use of piano lessons, you are now grown, and when you sit and tickle the ivory, the foxy chicks abound, and you thank god for every single lesson.

where did this analogy come from?

ok, so fudge all that. that doesn’t make any sense. here’s what makes sense: The Avengers is an awesome damn movie. i wouldn’t say i was walking into the theater expecting to hate this flick, but it would be equally unfair to say i just had a few doubts. sure i liked the buffy tv show when i was in high school, but it’s on instant now, and lemme tell you, it’s DATED YO. i DO love Firefly. it’s great. one of the truly great tv shows to come around ever. but dollhouse left no impression on me, dr. horrible’s sing-along blog was, as kindly as i can say, not for me, and i absolutely Hated (capital ‘H’ over there <—-) cabin in the woods. and it’s been getting easier and easier for me to say whedon was a flash in the pan. he caught lightning in a bottle with Firefly. but now?

zing!

so it’s easy to go all hyperbolic with a movie like this. it’s big-budget. its cast is LOADED with acting talent (ruffalo and hiddleston topping my list). and it managed the impossible by not becoming the train wreck i expected. and as far as hyperbole – i had an absolute BLAST watching this in the theater. i was laughing and rocking back and forth in my seat the same way i did when i was a little kid watching jurassic park in the theater all four times. it felt like watching terminator 2. and the matrix. while it’s not the technical marvel that those 3 movies were, The Avengers immediately jumps into the mix of my favorite action movies i’ve ever seen. hyperbole? *shrug*

but if you’re looking for details, take a hike. this isn’t a review, it’s a recommendation, and i’m not spilling any beans. ok maybe one or two beans. thor becomes in this movie what he should have been allowed to become in his OWN damn movie. and hulk? hulk smashes.

in the end, i think joss earned a TON of credit for this movie. he’s earned the budget for whatever he wants to do next. and he’s earned my apologies. this man is no flash in the pan. in fact, despite his relative early success and faithful fan-base, this might just be the beginning.

boss whedon

Update: The trailer I’m referring to in this article is now released.  Doesn’t really have an impact on what I’m attempting to say though.  Read on if you’re bored.

I’m going to keep this extremely simple, short and sweet.

Everyone on planet Earth knows a Batman movie is coming out this summer, WB.  I’m fairly certain undiscovered alien species on planets unknown to us are aware of it as well.  If your new trailer was so amazing you’d just release it when scheduled and let it speak for itself.  But, no, you’d rather toy with every bored internet nerd and have them do free extra legwork for you to promote your movie that doesn’t need a single tiny shred of extra promotion.  We all know The Dark Knight Rises (still a stupid fucking title) is coming out this summer and we’re all going to go see it and gush over Chris Nolan’s gritty, ‘real world’  take on the Batman yet again.

So reign the ego in, please.  Keep the over confidence at bay on this one.  It’s going to do a bazillion dollars and break records no matter what.  You don’t need to require me to login to facebook and repost your campaign to help.  Not even close.   The more I thought about all of this though, I wondered why Warner Bros. didn’t at least get a little edgy or more creative with their campaign.  Fanboys will do whatever the fuck you ask of them.  Why not go for broke and have a laugh at our expense?  You want the new trailer early?  Get 10,000 people to post videos on facebook of them dressed as Batman in a public place trying to actively fight crime.  That’s not edgy at all, it’s just potentially hilarious.  Want to push the envelope a bit?  Require at least 1,000 (lower number yes, but this is more extreme) crazy Batman fans to tweet a video of them rubbing one out to a Chris Nolan headshot while screaming “WHY SO SERIOUS??”  Hell, why not just get Adam West to start showing up at random Chili’s restaurants to seat them with his cock  hanging out?

Hey Warner Bros exec, don’t look at me like that.  Don’t act like any of that wouldn’t grab you a fucking headline.  Crazy fans masturbating to your director shouting overplayed catchphrases to one of your previous Batman flicks?  Nothing but gold there, guy.  Adam West shouting at a table for five to please follow him with his batdong flappin’ in the breeze?  Instant box office millions.   I promised I’d keep this short, didn’t I?  Well I’m keeping it this time.  Enough with the dick rubbing hype, WB.  We get it.  Release your stupid trailer.

btw go see Cabin in the Woods.

For those of you who have no idea what a RuPaul is, let me inform you.  Simply putting it, she’s the queen, the height of eleganza, and the ultimate in fierce.  For those of you in the South, he’s a guy who dresses up in women’s clothing.  But whatever your opinion of drag queens might be, RuPaul is highly entertaining with her quips and ensembles.  While being highly entertaining, she even provides wonderfully insightful quotes like, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” and “What other people think of me is their business.” She’s like Wesley Snipes in To Wong Foo, only REAL and prettier!

The premise of the show is this: Gather together 13-14 of the greatest drag superstars in the country, and have them compete and lip sync for their lives until one queen stands.  Challenges include the ever-popular Snatch Game, which involves the queens answering ridiculous questions while impersonating famous figures, and doing PSAs, like in last season where the queens sent a message to the troops.  Other challenges have included a Christmas card photo shoot, creating a post apocalyptic ensemble, stand up comedy, and trailers for fake movies.  The prizes:  A headlining spot on Logo’s Drag Race tour, some amount of money, a trip from AlAndChuck.travel, and a lifetime supply of NYX cosmetics.  Basically, my dream prizes.

Below is the compact list of reasons that you, dear reader, should indulge in RuPaul’s Drag Race:

1. Drag Queens, AND LOTS OF THEM: If you’ve never been to a drag show before, you are missing out, my love.  Drag queens are the height of glam, and they basically say all the things you wish you could say.  They’re sassy, quick, funny, and they can walk in heels better than I can on a good day.  So imagine a whole bunch of them on one TV show: That’s right, it will make your Mondays so much better and you’ll forget about all the shit that happened at work and school, like that one rumor that was being spread about you having a fake arm.
   

   Just totally ignore the fact that they all look better than you.

2. It’s a dramedy: We’ve established that drag queens are hilarious and bring a little joy to your life, but the truth is a lot of the queens have led hard lives.  Take for instance this season’s contestant, Phi Phi O’Hara.  Phi Phi spoke about her abusive family life, and about how Texas can be a hard place to live if you are gay.  Then there’s Latrice Royale, who was arrested and served over a year in prison, but managed to get back up on her feet and begin performing again.  Finally, the one queen who I’ll always remember, Ongina.  During the HIV PSA in the first season, she admitted during judging that she was HIV positive, but she tries not to let her status define her and she lives every day like it’s her last.  But while the queens may bond over their previous experiences, you best believe there is some catfighting rolled up in thurr! From Heathers vs. Boogers, to everyone hatin’ on Rebecca Glasscock, to this season’s heated brawl between Sharon Needles and Phi Phi O’Hara, RuPaul’s Drag Race will leave you in a state of “awww” then “biiiiiiiitch PLEASE!”
3. New phrases for your daily lexicon: You know how it is.  You wake up one day and realize the things you typically say are sooooooo drab.  “Hello?” “How are you?” “How’s your mother?” “Did you finally get that thing removed?” You definitely need to revamp your English language, which gives you another reason to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race! Is something so awesome and so beautiful that you can’t describe it? Well, now it’s sickening! Is someone totally freaking out for no good reason? Tell her the 5 g’s: Good God, get a grip, girl.  Is someone giving an amazing presentation about this year’s revenue? Tell that employee to WEEEEEERK! You’ll easily boost their confidence and seem fabulous at the same time! #Win
4. No one’s doing stupid shit while completely trashed: I don’t know about you, but I’m the type of TV viewer who changes the channel quickly if I sense something embarrassing is going to happen.  Typically when I watch reality shows (Mob Wives, Basketball Wives, other shows about divorced women), all the embarrassing scenes involve some sort of alcoholic beverage.  Now, I’m not opposed to getting all Dionysus up in this bitch, but mixing drama and hooch has always been a pet peeve of mine when it comes to reality television.  And then to top it all off, drinks are always being thrown. You just paid MONEY for that drink, why are you throwing it away on someone you think called you a bitch?! Luckily, on RuPaul’s Drag Race, drinks are never thrown, and no one ever gets completely fucked up, thus never leading to Basketball Wives type drama.
   

   I'm talking about you, Evelyn.

5. The guest judges? A-MAZING: If you’ve ever seen America’s Next Top Model or Project Runway (don’t lie, I know you have), you’re probably like me whenever they introduce the guest judges. “Zach Posen? Russell James? Anne Shoket? Who ARE these people!?” That’s rarely ever the case with RuPaul’s Drag Race, and to top that off, they’re often entertaining. Pfft, harsh criticisms from Diane Von Furstenberg? I’d rather have lighthearted critiques from Johnny Weir, the uber entertaining Olympic figure skater, Pamela Anderson, and Dan Savage any day!

RuPaul’s Drag Race is definitely worth an hour of your Monday and the extra charge from your cable company so you can get Logo.  It’s fun, it’s upbeat, it keeps you engaged, and there’s so much glitter. It’s as if a Lisa Frank unicorn exploded. If you watch any reality show, let it be RuPaul’s Drag Race. And then maybe Mob Wives if you’re having a REALLY awful day.

Because any show that employs this mythical creature is quality in my eyes

n

Tomorrow I’ll be constantly reminding myself that I’m an adult and adults don’t go out and buy things they want just because they want them. Instead, they post trailers of them on websites, gush about how they want them, feign restraint, and get meta in an introductory paragraph. Currently, I’m in chapter two of The Witcher and I’ve promised myself that I won’t even considering buying the second, due out tomorrow, April 14th, until I finish the first. If the first game is any indication, I need to get on with that as the second game fixes a lot of the problems with the first and there aren’t many to be had with that one.

The world of The Witcher is incredibly deep and going on the journey with the fantasy version of Philip Marlowe in the form of Geralt of Rivia doesn’t hurt.  Having read The Last Wish (the game series is based off a popular Polish book series) and taking into consideration my play time with the first game, I can safely say that this is a world that any ardent sword & sorcery RPG fan will definitely want to get into.

If that wasn’t enough, check out this short made with the game engine by CD Projeckt Red.

what’s the explanation? i figure it’s that in the world of the internet, we aren’t separated by time or distance, so much as we are the next link. while you click around a bit – on my name, the history, the sleeper cell tab, or whatever you click, i’m really just a couple pixels away. words that i typed out 2 years ago, right there – just inches from your cursor.

in which case, you can imagine your entire life as one giant semi-formal dinner. you’re milling around, drinking gallons and gallons of accumulated tequila, you’re roaming from guest to guest looking to step into an interesting conversation, and evey once in a while, you amble over to my lil corner of existence to overhear whatever my decades-long conversation with the wall is about. and today, it happens to be the film adaptation of suzanne collins’ wildly successful young adult sci-fi novel, the hunger games. how ya been?

so i think, first off, it’s important i say that this isn’t a bad movie. actually, it’s better than Not Bad. this movie is actually kinda good. it’s important to say, firstish off, this is a pretty good – no wait, kinda good – this movie’s pretty darn good. i just didn’t like it all that much. which is ok! there are tons of movies out there that are pretty good but that i don’t like.

the one i always use to make the clearest point is THE WIZARD OF OZ. great movie. i don’t like it. my dad assures me that as a child, i LOVED it. i’ll take his word for it. but, in my defense, i also shat my pants a lot back then. we all grow.

besides, watch WoZ again. trust me, it’s not that great. so, granted, it’s not the best example. ANIMAL HOUSE? maybe another bad example – i’m not sure how well fans of that movie can read. how about THE GODFATHER? i’m sure most people who’ve seen the godfather have liked it. i’d say i might be in that group too if i could actually sit through the that self-indulgent, artsy-fartsy piece of 9 hour over-romantic, gangland nonsense. ok. lemme back up. i don’t want to start a fight. like i said, i haven’t even really seen that piece of crap yet. so to all you retards who like that movie, “i apologize.”

and really, there are TONS of bad movies out there! and how many GOOD movies can you think of? even if you bought all the movies you’ve ever even slightly liked, how many would you have? a thousand? two? out of the tens of thousands of movies out there? honestly, if you’re ever actually watching a movie, the odds are good that you’re watching a pretty bad movie. it’s a numbers game.

TOP 5 “GREAT” MOVIES ZACK HATES (the-c’mon-really?-he’s-seriously-still-doing-haikus haiku edition)

nothing's free, charlie

5 – it seems there’s also
no laughing in the war room,
gentlemen. Strangelove

4 – if their government
was this aimless, they’d be screwed…
oh wait. Amarcord

3 – honestly, i can’t
remember anything not
chariots. Ben Hur

2 – we dog singer’s dad
issues, but let pete jackson
off the hook? ALL THREE.

1 – rich shut-in loves kids?
wonka’s choco-factory
packs charlie’s fudge.

alright – i’ve decided there’s simply no way for me to address this movie without giving a few things away. and really, the few plot points i feel i need to mention are so monumentally obvious that if you consider it a “spoiler,” it’s either because you’re completely in the dark about the HUNGER GAMES TRILOGY by suzanne collins, or you have horrific critical thinking skills. if by chance you fall into either of those categories, read on at your own peril.

there’s nothing really BAD about this flick, unless you count pacing, it’s just that, well, it’s one of those that starts, entertains you for a couple hours, and then ends. it does have one standout scene, which i guess is more than most movies give you, but trust me, if you’ve seen the movie, it’s not the one you’re thinking i’m thinking. if you know the story at all, and odds are good you do, then you prolly know what’s gonna happen. it’s not super-suspensful. i’m sure that upon its release, readers of the book were hanging on every chapter wondering what would happen. but for those late to the trilogy (like m’self), it’s kinda hard to not know what’s around every corner. mainly ’cause, well, there’s a sequel. and that feeds into my major beef with this movie.

there’s little to no danger at all. and certainly no hunger. not to be THAT guy, but the book explains a few things which are left out here. first off, it’s called “the hunger games” for a reason – mainly, the 24 kids (i’d totally explain this, but there’s virtually ZERO chance that anyone reading this doesn’t know what’s going on here – however, if you happen to not know the story or what 24 kids have to do with the movie, ask down in the comments section so we can all laugh at you) have to stay in the arena until there is only one competitor left alive. which, given the size of the arena, could take awhile. but there’s never any sense that food will be hard to find.

what a cow

 CASTING NOTE
there was a bit of hubbub when jennifer lawrence was cast as the lead, katniss everdeen. mainly because she was a little too round. or pudgy. basically, she’s a giant fatass. obviously.

the character katniss is supposed to be on the verge of starvation throughout just about the entire novel. and lawrence is so totally does not have the deathcamp look. [and hey, if you're one of the people who hated on jennifer lawrence because she was too pretty, then you're prolly one of the same losers who hated on sam worthington for his hair in clash of the titans. scumbag.] so, it’s really too bad that while you’re trying to enjoy this movie, you’ll be forced to look at a beautiful young woman. i don’t know how these producers sleep at night.

but other than woody harrelson SAYING, “hey bros, find some water, ’cause you’re gonna be thirsty ‘n’ stuff,*” you have no idea that starvation is supposed to be a problem. [*not actual film dialogue]

and really, i’m getting rambly and long-winded again. the problem is danger. there’s no danger. could katniss die? nah. will she find food and water. why wouldn’t she? holy cow that firestorm almost slightly singed her hair! whew. close call.

other casting controversey?
spoiler alert #2: black actors were hired to play black characters.
this sweet little gal, Amandla Stenberg, plays Rue.

power

the name doesn’t give much away. i guess, if you were french, you could imagine someone french. or if you were american, maybe a cajun. still not quite definitive. so, where to look for some kind of physical description…. the text? no. that’s silly. why would an author ever actually DESCRIBE a character? hm. where else? oh what the hell. let’s check the text!

stick to the text, dude

now i don’t know about you, but that just SCREAMS elle fanning at me. and because it bears mentioning, Thresh, the other black competitor, is described as such: “He has the same dark brown skin and golden brown eyes as Rue.” and in fairness to the setting of the story, suzanne collins is obviously trying to create a multi-racial future where it’d be hard to find ANYone who you could describe with such a limiting phrase as african-american or caucasian. this is a world where all the races are mixing – we don’t all look chinese YET, but it’s a lot closer that we are now. and if you were imagining rue and thresh as cute, typical, little whities, because you just skimmed the direct description, that’s fine. people make mistakes. i finally read wuthering heights a few months back, and i still have no idea which linton was married to which cathy or catherine or someone was name earnshaw. fudge it.  i don’t blame you.

(regarding lenny kravitz? i’m really hoping it’s just because mos def had scheduling conflicts.)

and i know, i know. this has all been hashed out in the media ad-nauseum. i’m really only including it here to say that if you were pissed about being forced to actually give a shit about black characters, please, FUCK. OFF. fuck off, and don’t ever come back.

and really, even though i like lawrence in the role, it might only have been because she’s the only actor of the on-screen kiddies who realizes she’s in a major motion picture, and not a local high school one-act UIL meet. but this isn’t the first science fiction flick to ever ask its audience to suspend their disbelief. and it won’t be the last. even this year!

so would you believe i like it? ’cause i do. but i’m a liar. so watch it. in the theater no less – it’s a good crowd experience. still, in the overall scheme of things, i’d say it doesn’t get done what it wants to get done as much as Woman in Black. and really, if you’re looking for an awesome time in the theater with ridiculous action and morals so secondary they might as well not even be there, check out Wrath of the Titans!

woo!