Picture from kfyo.com

As a species, humans take a lot of things for granted.  We put off life events knowing that we’ll have time to get to “it” at some point.  Luxury cruises or visiting a foreign land- no matter the dream it will be achieved eventually.  People have this immortal attitude when it comes to getting things done or experiencing life.  As such, I started a diet where one of the main things I cut was soda water.  Or “pop” as it’s referred to in the Midwest.  Or “coke” as all varieties are referred to here in the South.  I’ve gone nearly 12 months without drinking real, non-diet soda on a regular basis.  But when I did cheat, Dublin Dr. Pepper was to be my ultimate soda treat; something that I would eventually drink while remembering how much of this sugar water I choked down when I was obese.

Sadly for me, my “eventuality” became a lost opportunity when the Dublin Dr. Pepper company,  one of the only soda water plants in America that refused to switch to an artificial sweetener from sugar cane in the 70s, ceased production of the best possible version of Dr. Pepper soda.  Hyperbole or not, it has been and always will be my favorite type of DP but as of the 12th, it’s history.  I’ll spare the details since I’m sure you are well aware, but a great piece of Texas, and just Americana in general is gone.  I know, what does a 29 year-old know about history or nostalgia or Americana?  Honestly, the taste of this stuff feels like something from a bygone era.  You wouldn’t even begin to ponder that question if you’ve drank it before.  So even though they’re not getting my money anyways (the diet and all) Dr. Pepper or Snapple or whoever it is responsible will not be getting my money ever again.

Ok, I lied about those details.  Let’s get into the litany of why I will no longer drink Dr. Pepper.  It appears that the parent company for Dr. Pepper, Snapple, was upset with Dublin for continuing production of their product.  Apparently their nearly $6 billion annual revenue was being threatened by the less than $10 million Dublin pulls in for the real sugar variant of their delicious soda.  Call it what you will but it’s just textbook corporate greed.  At this point I half expect them to start banging down Mr. Pibb’s door for offering a DP alternative in several outlets throughout the country.  Oh but sure, the throwback stuff Dr. Pepper sells is the same right?  Wrong.  It’s not, and anyone who’s had both will tell you the same exact thing.  Worst of all is how the community of Dublin will be effected by this.  Already 14 workers have lost their jobs and unless Big Red made with cane becomes the next big thing (which from experience- it’s delicious) we can expect more fall out from this decision.

And look, I get it.  Here I am crying over the discontinuation of liquid junk food.  I know exactly how stupid I read right now.  I’m also not advocating that you should drink this stuff like it’s water because when it comes down to it, this is bad for you in mass quantities.  Am I pissed that I won’t have an opportunity to drink Dublin Dr. Pepper ever again?  Sure.  But hey guess what?  I did get to drink it and probably drank more than my fair share at some point.  But the fact remains that we live in a time where a company, who made some kind of agreement early in their manifestation, decided that enough is enough and moved to stomp out one of their franchises.  It’s arbitrary but it reminds us that nostalgia can’t buy you forever.

Note- Since the announcement, eBay has seen an influx of bottles with bids as high as $55 for a six pack (at least as of this writing).  Which proves that as much as our nature is to take for granted, we are equal parts reactionary as well.

I like to think I provide  a service to the Breach faithful.  I like to think that.  Do I actually believe that?  No, not really.  I mean, most of the garbage I decide to dive into you folks wouldn’t even get close enough to sniff.  Still, I feel weirdly compelled to continue on and carry the torch on the quest to review the ‘bad movie’.  Whether you appreciate this or not, I’m still doing it for you.  I don’t get paid, I don’t get any joy or fulfillment out of this.  I’m not kidding, I get absolutely nothing from what I write here.  Often times it is downright painful to see what I am seeing.  There have been occasions where I’ve scrapped entire reviews and retreated completely into my dark place that you’ll never get to read.  No.  This column is solely dedicated to whomever decides to stumble across this website and deems my work worthy enough to read.  And I thank you.  You sick fuck.

Look, Bucky Larson Born to Be a Star is an easy enough target.  This movie is much maligned and has already been shredded a thousand times over by so many other critics.  I’m surprised even with Sandler’s Happy Madison production company at the helm that it even got a theatrical release.  Nick Swardson (Bucky) is the complete opposite of what you look for in a leading man and the script was probably written on and read from the Devil’s taint.   Swardson on his own is a terrible comedian.  He exhibits nothing that I find funny nor would anyone else with even the tiniest bit of a human brain.  He’s the number one reason I avoid mainstream comics.  There are so many like him, I’m afraid to take a chance anymore.  Why in the fucking world was this movie made?  Well, I know exactly why and I’m going to tell you.

The Sandler company dubbed ‘Happy Madison’ productions are just a bunch of fratboys who may or may not have been in an actual frat.  The movies this collection of toe jam produce are nothing more than a series of inside jokes and small bits that each of them can laugh at and I’m sure are based on whatever hijinks they get  into on their own.  This movie is no different.  I’m convinced these movies are not made for a profit, they’re just a way for these assholes to collect what they think is funny and show it to each other.  The real problem lies in the fact that they seek distribution.  Go shoot your gag reels guys, but please leave the public out of it.  This movie never needed to be released.  And how they got Christina Ricci (yes she is in this) involved, I don’t know.  I don’t know what dirt the Sandler crew has on that poor girl, but it has to be significant.  I’m sure her penance wasn’t just an appearance in this movie either.  The darker parts of me tell me she was perhaps the Happy Madison Cum Cup.  That sweet little Wednesday Addams  was violated by a group of hack comedians, yes.  I’m calling it.

Alright so what the fuck is this movie already you ask?  Well it’s Bucky Larson!  Bucky is a quaint little Midwestern boy from Iowa.  You know the type.  He’s got an annoying as all motherfuck Midwest accent (which he can’t understand is an accent) and is about as wholesome as an episode of Sesame Street.  Minus the 80s breastfeeding.  The movie opens with Bucky getting fired from his job as a grocery sacker, and quickly moves on to his friends trying to cheer him up with a pornographic movie.  See, ‘lil Bucky has never seen porn before, nor has he ever decided to play with his bits.  His friends cheering him on and instructing him on how exactly to do this is actually really fucking insanely gross by the way.   But Bucky is that stupid of a character.  He thinks it’s normal for his buds to tell him how to manipulate his junk in order to facilitate fun time.  Problem is, the porno they  happen to dig up to show him features Bucky’s parents.  Any normal child would reject this completely and probably go into a coma, but not Bucky.  Bucky is convinced that because his parents made just shy of a hundred fuck vids that he’s destined to head to L.A. and make some of his own.

This is where I suppose the movie would ‘take off’ if it were an actual movie and not something written on a cocktail napkin by the head of Adam Sandler’s penis.  So Bucky hops on the bus to L.A. with a dream to be not only in porn, but a porn STAR!  Of course his first few days in town he meets several pivotal characters.  One being Christina Ricci.  I don’t remember her name from the flick, I think it was Becky, or Roberta or Cockswallower.  Who cares?  He meets her in a diner she’s waitressing at and of course they hit it off.  Eventually she aids him in rooming with a completely insane Kevin Nealon who has fallen so far since his Weekend Update gig it’s not even remotely funny.

After a botched commercial audition (which of course he thinks is a porn gig) he ends up at a party of who’s who in porn.  The top dog being a well-hung man named Dick Shadow played by HOLY FUCK STEPHEN DORFF!  This is what, his 3^rd appearance now in the Crawl Space?  Deuces Wild, Fear.com and now this??  He’s like a Crawl Space legend at this point.  You know the saying, “the man can’t act his way out of a paperbag”?  Well the Dorff doesn’t even know what a paper bag IS, motherfuckers!  After observing Dorff again, I realized something.  He’s the poor man’s (if there is such a thing) 80s Christian Slater, who is also another Crawl Space alum.  The two of them deserve to work together in the worst buddy cop movie ever made.  I hope this happens.

Alright so Bucky gets discovered by this sleazy washed-up porn director who gives him a shot because he knew his parents.  Turns out, Bucky — big surprise— has the smallest cock ever seen.  This is something I was able to identify with, by the way.  Sleazy director played by the always brilliant Don Johnson, decides to shoot anyway and they discover Bucky’s real talent.  Not only is his junk miniscule, but he’s so sexually deprived that upon viewing a pair of breasts still trapped within a bra, he delivers a violent cumshot that A) no one knows where it went and B) is frighteningly delivered by Bucky imitating a tortured chimp.

Of course, Bucky’s shtick takes off as sort of the everyman in porn.  His dick is so small and he’s so sexually inept that  he becomes somewhat of an inspiration to all of us inadequate members of society.  He sweeps the adult film awards, even winning best taint.  I’ve never seen Nick Swardson’s taint, but I’m rather certain others would’ve rightfully won this.  When you look at the man without clothes it’s like looking into Satan’s bleached asshole.  Along the way, blah blah blah he ends up with Christina Ricci’s character, what was her name?  Fantasia?  I don’t know.

This movie repeatedly made me ask myself, is it worth it?  Is this worth reviving a column no one reads?  My ego barked out a resounding yes, while the other parts of me gave a quiet whispering of ‘dude wtf are you doing?  Just let it go’.  I believe that you all needed to know about this.  Because at the end of the day, no matter what is happening, someone may stumble upon this movie.  This is your warning.  Watch this movie with extreme caution, or please, don’t watch it at all.

Disappointed, the Wii breaker asked, “Well would there be any chance that I could borrow your tri-wing screwdriver so I can attempt the repair myself?”

“Unfortunately we can’t allow that; it’s against store policy.”

“What is the cost of a used Wii and do you have any in stock?”

“$70 and yes I have them now. But yeah, like I said, on Christmas eve, no one is going to have those screwdrivers available. Sorry, bro’.”

That conversation was shortly after my journey began. You see, Nintendo decided to make Christmas easy for me this year. The wife is what you might call a Zelda fanatic. She’s played all of them, some multiple times. The only console we still have is a Nintendo Wii for the sole purpose of continuing the franchise and we only plan to buy the next generation Wii U when they release a Zelda game. So when I handed her a copy of Skyward Sword to play over the Christmas holiday, we were set. But then she put the disc in and the Wii started this very annoying grinding noise. She didn’t seem to mind but my obsessive compulsive nature kicked in and I had to fix it. I knew I could; I’ve taken apart ruggedized laptops and netbooks so how hard could an 8″ by 6″ piece of plastic be?

First I did my research- could it be fixed? I was amazed by the number of folks reporting the same problem. Essentially a pad that holds the DVD disc in place will become out of alignment over time and cause the grinding. It can be fixed by either replacing the drive, which as discussed in the opening can be treacherous, or by simply bending a piece of metal. Here, let this fellow explain it.

So easy right? I can do this. I ordered a tri-wing screwdriver from Amazon and three days later it arrived. It was a Friday night and I had nothing better to do. So I dismantle the beast and dive right in. First attempt- success! No more grinding when a disc is inserted. But it turns out I bent the pad too far and the lack of noise is attributed to the disc not being able to spin at all. Second attempt- louder grinding noise. Third attempt- disc won’t spin.

This cycle continued for about an hour until I finally had it back to the same grinding as before. So then I waived the white flag and put it back together. I figured we would just deal with the sound until I can go get a used Wii. Then I hooked the system up to check and make sure everything was working.

Disc Read Error

A sense of inferiority came over me. Here I was trying to fix something so my lovely wife could enjoy it better (ironic because it was only I that was annoyed with the grinding noise) and I just made it worse. I admitted defeat, again, and told Jen that I would go purchase a used system from my allowance the next morning.

So, hat in hand, I drive to Apollo Games at 10am Saturday and of course the clerk that I spoke to on the phone is there (he has an amazingly recognizable voice, I’ll have to see if we can do an interview with him or something). I tell him I owe him an apology, that I didn’t heed his warning. But I’m moving on from my mistake and just need to get a used Wii from him. He then said what I should have been expecting-

“Ah man, with the Christmas rush we’re sold out.”

He then graciously, and without hesitation, called a competing video game store to see if they had any but they were sold out as well. He recommended that I go to Fry’s as they have the best prices typically. I thanked him and apologized again, then was off to the mega store.

Half way there though, I remembered reading something. You see, Nintendo started selling a Wii that no longer played GameCube games. Understandable since its been nearly 5 years since those types of games were available. But undesirable as, you guessed it, Jen has two Zelda games that are GameCube only (Wind Waker and Four Swords). And contrary to that article I linked, it appears Nintendo is not continuing to offer the GameCube option as the only systems I saw at Fry’s were Wii only.

Eventually I found a used console at a GameStop, where the constant barrage of verbal “O-M-Gs” and pre-order / warranty / discount card offers nearly drove me out of the purchase. Rest assured, this will certainly be my final attempt to repair a video game console. As I understand it, the Wii is the exception as Xbox and Playstation are much easier operations but the amount of money it can cost you is just not worth the hassle (in my case, total cost was $85 plus I’ll have to ship both systems to Nintendo to get our Virtual Console games transferred). Maybe if your system has completely shit the bed you can experiment but otherwise, safe yourself the stress and listen to your local game store employee.

He cracked open the fortune cookie and while eating the first half, read aloud to his wife.

“Luck is the result of good planning,” and then he ate the other half, thus agreeing with the fortune.

The wife commented, “Well that definitely applies to you.”

“How so?”

“All that video equipment you’ve purchased over the years- you wouldn’t be able to take the ‘lucky’ opportunities you do had you not planned for it.”

It was a real conversation, from what I can remember. But it’s amazing how relevant something such as a trivial fortune can be. Moments like this make me realize how beneficial my obsessive compulsive nature in collecting audio/video gear has been. The wife and I have been seeing a ton of standup comedy since about April, to the tune of at least once a week. Our mainstay is Capital City Comedy Club. A great showcase at Cap is Punch!. Each Tuesday a group of around four Austin (though sometimes out of town) comics are showcased by Matt Bearden in the front lounge, which seats around 100 people. Chris Cubas, Andy Ritchie, Maggie Maye, Mario DiGiorgio, John Tole, Satan (yes, that Satan), and a whole slew of others are amongst those we’ve seen. There’s lots of excitement on the nights when the place sells out and to be honest, it’s a pretty great and consistent experience. We have also been to Coldtowne Theater for Friday’s Live at Coldtowne showcase as well as The Velveeta Room for Bryan Gaar’s It’s Always Funny in Austin showcase. The best part of the whole experience though is the friends we’ve made doing this, which has opened the door to opportunities for me to shoot and edit video on a pretty consistent basis.

If you’ve been reading our site for a while, you’ll know that I am a self proclaimed failed filmmaker. That said, I love the tech behind it and can cut together simple stuff. Since around June, I’ve been producing submission tapes for comics. These are used to send to clubs or put on their websites so that bookers can see what they’re like. It typically involves a single camera, no editing (other than a beginning and end fade), an optional audio recording device, syncing the footage on Final Cut X, and then putting it online or onto DVD. This is easy enough and the gear I have is more than adequate.

So last month we got an opportunity to shoot an entire showcase at Cap City being performed for a talent agency. It was a pretty big event with around 15 comics taking the stage over an hour and forty-five minute show. Given this extensive show, we ran three cameras total and used a digital audio recorder for sound. This exhausted all of our gear but it was a blast busting it all out and getting set up. This was the biggest project we had done since we ceased shooting weddings a few years back (probably a few of these articles can come from those experiences). When it was said and done, the edit came in at 105 minutes and I’m still tweaking the color and transitions.

Anywho, back to the meat of this post. For years I’ve gathered up recording gear and software like an hoarder stuffs dead cats in her freezer. I would use some of the gear but a lot of it was money wasted. And yet here I am in a position where I have a variety of options when it comes to my hobby, some which may even return the expenses I’ve put out. At the dawn of a new year, we tend to review our lives and make goals for ourselves. I’m not even going to lie, I’m hoping to buy another camera soon in addition to a plethora of accessories. My resolution is to take the opportunities over the next year to cover that expense. Because if 2011 taught me anything, it’s that both luck and preparedness are symbiotic.

Take a moment and see what it is that you’re passionate about. Make sure that you are prepared if and when luck should find it’s way to you. And then build a lemonade stand out at the curb and give out free hugs!

10) Rango

Rango is the only animated film I feel worthy of this list.  Some will crucify me for not indicating Tin-Tin as “worthy” but that felt much more like a franchise starting out rather than a fully fleshed out story.  Not to mention, Rango is one of the most bizarre movies I saw this year animated or otherwise.  I haven’t revisited the movie since opening night last March but I recall enjoying it very much.  It was very funny, had some very original characters, and even had a great action sequence.  Cartoons, as they were, come with a certain connotation but this is a very adult film.  I recommend checking it out if you get the chance.

9) Attack The Block

What has two thumbs and regrets not seeing Attack the Block at SXSW this year? What a blast this movie is.  If you’ve ever want to revisit some John Carpenter style action/horror, this is the movie you’ve been waiting for.  Great effects, awesome characters and monster, and a killer soundtrack add up to one of the most under appreciated (or over appreciated depending who you follow on Twitter) movies of the year.  I still haven’t bought the BluRay because I don’t spend $25 on a single disc ever but it’s in my cart on Amazon in anticipation of a price drop.

8) Bridesmaids

Everyone praises this one for how it treats its female characters but it was how the male lead was portrayed that made me like Bridesmaids so much.  Here was a character, played brilliantly by Chris O’ Dowd, that eschewed male lead conventions in female centric rom-coms.  I especially liked that he didn’t just fall madly in love with Kristen Wiig’s character nor forgive her in some happy-go-lucky resolution.  Oh, and did I mention this movie is extremely funny?  I don’t usually look forward to girl farts but what a pay off.

7) Insidious

This is probably the most unpopular choice I’ll make on this list, at least outside of the Breach.  Insidious just worked for me.  I dug the ghost stuff immensely and when they got to the astral projection portion, which I somehow had never heard of, I was floored.  Great scares, creepy atmosphere, and stalkery ghosts.  I couldn’t have asked for more.

6) Warrior

The trailers for Warrior turned me off.  Any time they start throwing critical reactions into the first TV Spots I see my BS detector goes off.  Something told me I would enjoy it, but I just didn’t want to bother.  Then Adam recommended it on The Breachcast a few weeks back and I was intrigued.  Then it went on sale so I blind bought the Blu.  Considering how predictable this movie is, I am shocked at how well it works.  It was great to see a boxing movie (I know it’s not boxing but come on) where two characters have stakes in winning and we are privy to both their lives.  Too many times we see movies where some faceless opponent is thrown at us to inherently hate.  This movie changes that.  Oh, and Tom Hardy is devastating to watch.

5) Real Steel

Shockingly, Real Steel is here at number 5.  The trailers looked like crap.  The concept was just a little too high for my taste.  And then there was Hugh Jackman trying to play a father.  It had all the makings of a disaster and somehow destroyed me in the movie theater.  Reduced to tears during the climactic boxing match, I can’t help but recommend this flick for folks.  It hits DVD/Blu in late January.

4) 50/50

Again with the emotions.  There are personal reasons why 50/50 resonates so well with me but even beyond that, the performances of the two leads are worth your time.  This film , other than focusing on how someone copes with cancer, is a great modern take on fellowship between dudes.  I have had some of the conversations Seth Rogen and Joseph Gordon-Levitt have in this movie.  I have guarded my emotions from my buddies just as they did.  The whole thing feels very authentic and sweet.  I’m a sucker for stuff like this but recommend you at least check it out once.

3) How to Die in Oregon

For what it’s worth, if there’s one movie on this list that I think everyone absolutely has to see it is How to Die in Oregon.  This is probably my favorite documentary since being shown The Thin Blue Line in school.  That said, I may never see this movie again simply because of how eye opening and challenging it was.  Not often do I walk into a movie and have a fundamental belief in my life altered but I came out of this one a different person.  That’s not hyperbole; it’s just the truth of what happened.  The film deals with terminally ill patients that would rather take their life than waste away and burden their families.  I said it when I reviewed the movie at SXSW that I could never take the measures outlined in the film but after seeing it, I can understand why they exist and why someone would want to.

2) Rise of the Planet of the Apes

How?  How?!?  How in the blue moon was Rise of the Planet of the Apes good?  Not only was it good, it made me forget I was watching a movie which is really the highest compliment you can pay a film.  A lot of folks balked at the idea of CGI apes, myself included.  But once you sit through the movie you’ll realize there was no other way to make it.  The interaction between the apes and actors necessitated that motion capture be used.  And even though not all of the effects are convincing, I was so wrapped up in the movie it didn’t matter.  I just picked up the BluRay this week and can’t wait to revisit this one.

1) Drive

More than any other movie this year, Drive has stuck with me.  At times beautiful and at others grotesque, it is an art film that appealed to me in a way that quite frankly I was not expecting.  Immediately following the showing, I downloaded the soundtrack and have been listening to it since (it’s playing right now in fact).  There’s action, romance, comedy, and thrills on top of characters that have full histories and relationships.  If every movie were as good as Drive I’d have a hard time making this list.  As it is, not all movies can be this good so my number one pick was pretty easy to make.

Honorable mention- X-Men: First Class, Fast Five, Paranormal Activity 3, The Ides of March, Win-Win, Tabloid, Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop, The Innkeepers, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

And while that rounds out my favorites of the year, here are my 5 biggest disappointments-

5) Transformers: Dark of the Moon

This was supposed to be the movie where I could look James in the eye and say “see!  Bay can be turned loose to be filmmaking god!”  Instead, it was the same old song and dance.  Just this time it was in 3D.  From an A/V demo perspective, the movie still shines but from an enjoyment/quality stance, this was garbage.

4) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

After the setup in Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (not to mention SIX OTHER MOVIES), I was hoping for something a little more epic than twenty year-olds playing folks in their thirties for a goofy and absolutely superfluous epilogue.  I may be alone in this disappointment and admit that I should watch the flick again but I stand by my initial reaction.

3) Green Lantern

This is probably the one movie on my disappointment list that I actually enjoyed.  But given the seasaw fashion in which I hated then loved Green Lantern’smarketing, I can’t help put be somewhat disappointed.  There is certainly a lot of promise left for a potential sequel but as it was, this movie relied too heavily upon the basic super hero formula and had a completely crap-tastic soundtrack.  Again, I’m hopeful for a sequel but this movie was kind of a mess.

2) Cowboys and Aliens

Let’s see, you have talented actors (Daniel Craig, Han Solo, Sam Rockwell, That one dude), talented filmmakers (Ron Howard, Brian Grazer, Jon Favreau), and a genre mashing concept but the movie turns out to be a complete bore.  Oh! You must be number two on my list of 2011 disappointments.  Cowboys and Aliensis not necessarily a bad movie.  It may even be worth of two out of four stars but that’s just it- it’s OK when it could have been something spectacular.  If you need a nap on a Saturday afternoon, put this on.  Otherwise- PASS.

1) Super 8

We talked last week on the Breachcast about those times where you feel like the only person that criticizes something.  I know there are critics out there that didn’t like this movie but in my circle of friends I think I’m the only one who was really disappointed.  Other than having arguably one of the best scores in recent memory, Super 8 was a colossal waste.  I wanted to like it but in the end, even Coach Taylor wasn’t enough for me to believe.  The last twenty minutes of the film feel like a complete U-Turn on the rest of the narrative.  And when compared to something similar this year, Attach The Block, it’s obvious this movie is just hoping the pure nostalgia factor will engage you.  I tried but cannot give a soft pass to what is truly one of the more squandered opportunities in recent memory.  This was easily my biggest disappointment of the year.

Dishonorable mention- Sucker Punch, Hangover Part II, Scream 4