Disappointed, the Wii breaker asked, “Well would there be any chance that I could borrow your tri-wing screwdriver so I can attempt the repair myself?”

“Unfortunately we can’t allow that; it’s against store policy.”

“What is the cost of a used Wii and do you have any in stock?”

“$70 and yes I have them now. But yeah, like I said, on Christmas eve, no one is going to have those screwdrivers available. Sorry, bro’.”

That conversation was shortly after my journey began. You see, Nintendo decided to make Christmas easy for me this year. The wife is what you might call a Zelda fanatic. She’s played all of them, some multiple times. The only console we still have is a Nintendo Wii for the sole purpose of continuing the franchise and we only plan to buy the next generation Wii U when they release a Zelda game. So when I handed her a copy of Skyward Sword to play over the Christmas holiday, we were set. But then she put the disc in and the Wii started this very annoying grinding noise. She didn’t seem to mind but my obsessive compulsive nature kicked in and I had to fix it. I knew I could; I’ve taken apart ruggedized laptops and netbooks so how hard could an 8″ by 6″ piece of plastic be?

First I did my research- could it be fixed? I was amazed by the number of folks reporting the same problem. Essentially a pad that holds the DVD disc in place will become out of alignment over time and cause the grinding. It can be fixed by either replacing the drive, which as discussed in the opening can be treacherous, or by simply bending a piece of metal. Here, let this fellow explain it.

So easy right? I can do this. I ordered a tri-wing screwdriver from Amazon and three days later it arrived. It was a Friday night and I had nothing better to do. So I dismantle the beast and dive right in. First attempt- success! No more grinding when a disc is inserted. But it turns out I bent the pad too far and the lack of noise is attributed to the disc not being able to spin at all. Second attempt- louder grinding noise. Third attempt- disc won’t spin.

This cycle continued for about an hour until I finally had it back to the same grinding as before. So then I waived the white flag and put it back together. I figured we would just deal with the sound until I can go get a used Wii. Then I hooked the system up to check and make sure everything was working.

Disc Read Error

A sense of inferiority came over me. Here I was trying to fix something so my lovely wife could enjoy it better (ironic because it was only I that was annoyed with the grinding noise) and I just made it worse. I admitted defeat, again, and told Jen that I would go purchase a used system from my allowance the next morning.

So, hat in hand, I drive to Apollo Games at 10am Saturday and of course the clerk that I spoke to on the phone is there (he has an amazingly recognizable voice, I’ll have to see if we can do an interview with him or something). I tell him I owe him an apology, that I didn’t heed his warning. But I’m moving on from my mistake and just need to get a used Wii from him. He then said what I should have been expecting-

“Ah man, with the Christmas rush we’re sold out.”

He then graciously, and without hesitation, called a competing video game store to see if they had any but they were sold out as well. He recommended that I go to Fry’s as they have the best prices typically. I thanked him and apologized again, then was off to the mega store.

Half way there though, I remembered reading something. You see, Nintendo started selling a Wii that no longer played GameCube games. Understandable since its been nearly 5 years since those types of games were available. But undesirable as, you guessed it, Jen has two Zelda games that are GameCube only (Wind Waker and Four Swords). And contrary to that article I linked, it appears Nintendo is not continuing to offer the GameCube option as the only systems I saw at Fry’s were Wii only.

Eventually I found a used console at a GameStop, where the constant barrage of verbal “O-M-Gs” and pre-order / warranty / discount card offers nearly drove me out of the purchase. Rest assured, this will certainly be my final attempt to repair a video game console. As I understand it, the Wii is the exception as Xbox and Playstation are much easier operations but the amount of money it can cost you is just not worth the hassle (in my case, total cost was $85 plus I’ll have to ship both systems to Nintendo to get our Virtual Console games transferred). Maybe if your system has completely shit the bed you can experiment but otherwise, safe yourself the stress and listen to your local game store employee.

I’d like to thank everybody here at Mediabreach for putting up with my shenanigans but I’m going to be taking a vacation in the mead filled halls of Skyrim’s various cities soon. Bethesda has been keeping the hype caravan going over the course of this last month by posting videos depicting various behind the scenes goings on. I love that stuff as much as the next guy when it come to games but this video is making want to storm Bethesda’s gates and plunder me a copy of it so that I can play it already.  So please, enjoy this slice of Skyrim’s day-to-day business as much as I did:

From everything I’ve gathered, this year’s Pax was pretty rad as it usually tends to be.  When you aren’t a giant P.R. campaign for the business end of games, that tends to be the case I suppose…*cough*E3*cough*.  Anyhoo, there didn’t seem to be a whole lot in terms of surprises.  Counter Strike: Global Offensive was announced but I’m just getting into that franchise; I don’t know if it’s quite for me yet.  The brains behind Portal, Kim Swift, announced another new first person puzzle game to be published by SquareEnix.  And I just happened to find a trailer for this game while writing this.  Guerrilla writing folks!  So I guess we can start there.

Quantum Conundrum

Publisher: Square Enix
Developer: Airgtight Games
Platforms: Windows, 360, PS3
Release: Q1 2012

My first reaction to this is that based on the art style, it looks like something that would’ve come out during the last generation of consoles and there’s really nothing wrong with that.  Game play wise, it looks like Portal with an even greater emphasis on physics based puzzles.  Couple that with this being a downloadable title and I think I’m sold.

Hawken

Publisher: TBA
Developer: Adhesive Games
Platforms: TBA
Release: TBA

That’s a lot of “TBA’s” in the header there but you need to repeat this to yourself while watching the trailer: “This is an indie game made by 9 dudes.”  If you can understand that, then you can let stuff like release dates slide.  Even if this turns out to be vaporware, I’ll be impressed with what I’ve seen.  It’s an FPS with mechs and caters to my laziness by being downloadable. [via Reddit]

Prey 2

Publisher: Bethesda Softworks
Developer: Human Head Studios
Platforms: Windows, 360, PS3
Release: March 2012

This is essentially the same trailer we’ve seen floating around for awhile but with the added bonus of its developer, Chris Rhineheart, providing commentary.  If you don’t feel like watching the trailer again, this is Rhineheart telling you that everything in the trailer is possible during gameplay.  Betcha feel like watching the trailer again, huh?  Good, it’s in three parts. I never played the first Prey so I’m happy to hear that I don’t even need to think about the first one in order to play this.  Blade Runner in space with aliens?  Fuck yes.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Publisher: Bethesda Softworks
Developer: Bethesda Game Studios
Platforms: Windows, 360, PS3
Release: November 11, 2011

I haven’t watched this trailer.  I know it has the red-headed bizarro of Patrick Dempsey that is Todd Howard singing sweet siren calls of all that is good about Skyrim amidst is gloriously beautiful game play.  But I’m not going to watch it.  I can’t drool for this game anymore; my salivary glands need a break.  But by all means, you go right ahead and watch it.

Minecraft Beta 1.8

Publisher: Mojang
Developer: Mojang
Platforms: Java platform, Java applet, Android, iOS, 360
Release: I really don’t know anymore.

Originally scheduled to be released on 11/11/11 along with Skyrim, 1.8 was set to seriously overhaul the core gameplay of Minecraft by adding a more adventurous set of goals to the virtual sandbox.  Now, the update is going to be released in parts (1.8.1, etc.) sometime throughout now and whenever.  Y’know at this point, if you’re not into the game, you may never get into it.  But if the prospect of raiding dungeons, NPC villages, and having ravines and vast oceans to explore interests you, borrow a friend’s account and take it for a spin. [via IGN]

TrackMania² Canyon

Publisher: Ubisoft
Developer: Nadeo
Platforms: Windows, OSX
Release: September 14, 2011 (WIN), n/a (OSX)

Holy shit does this look fucking great.  “I-Have-To-Buy-A-New-PC” great.  What I’ve done to my PC’s WASD keys because of the first game could count as abuse were computers sentient.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to get into this franchise and this piques your interest, go set up a steam account and download the first game because it is very free.  Don’t worry, if my ’07 family friendly PC can handle that game smoothly, yours can too.  Then we can both be sad because our PC’s can’t handle this beautiful beast of a racing game. [via Gamespot]

James Cameron’s Aliens is better than Ridley Scott’s Alien. Check out that shit stirring! But really, everybody falls into either one of those two camps when it comes this franchise. I happen to prefer the more actiony sequel but I won’t prevent anybody from stating otherwise; the first is a fine thriller. But you can’t make a video game about the first one…well you can but it’s called Amnesia: The Dark Decent and you’ll have to invest in econo packs of underwear to play that (plus it’s not about Xenomorphs.) Suffice to say, I’m over the moon about this game and trailer two here will demonstrate why.

I’m fucking GIDDY.  This is also probably the only game that I’m keen on seeing how it works with Wii U’s controller.  Any version of this game can’t come out soon enough but spring 2012 works, I guess.

If you have an iPhone or an iPod touch, or are perhaps one of the unlucky billion than have an android phone, you know what this game is. I’ve had encounters with all versions of this game to this point, and none have managed to impress me. I like a well designed casual game, I won’t lie. There’s something about this game though that just doesn’t come through for me. Perhaps it’s because it’s really just various fruit flying into frame that I must swipe and chop? Yeah that’s most certainly it. This game is crack for idiots. If I know you and you love this game on your iPhone, then I apologize.

When word came of this game coming to Xbox Live Arcade Kinect, I perked up. Could they manage to add some depth? Would the game feel better if it’s just me standing in front of a camera flailing about like a fucking idiot? The quick answer is NO. Of course they didn’t. I downloaded this (very tiny in size) game demo and booted it. I was not surprised that I was restricted to a mode where…fruit flies into the frame and I have to use my hands/legs to slice it in half. Seriously, are any of these other game modes necessary? I was not offended in any way that I could not access these other modes from the demo. The game cannot get any more complicated or deep than what it is, which is fruit skeet shooting.

OOH I GOT A 29 HIT FRUIT COMBO OH FUCK.    Piss.  The.  Fuck.  Off.

So there I stood, for you, the reader attempting to steer my flabby arms in the proper position to slice all this fruit.   There is no precision required for this, folks.  A complete waste.

There are those that might wish I would attack Microsoft’s Kinect rather than this game as it is just a silly port of a stupid swipey fingerfest from the iPhone. I can’t rail against Microsoft just yet. This Kinect thing still has promise even if it is completely underutilized. As long as we keep getting shit like this, I will forever feel like I wasted $150.

Build a proper game for this thing, somebody. Please. And fuck Fruit Ninja. Go swipe your iPhones, assholes.

Whether or not you like FPS’s, mechs (who doesn’t like mechs?), or things blowing up, you have to admit that this is a goddamn pretty game. I mean, REALLY pretty, especially for a PSN/XBLA/PC release. Also, major props for some fantastic sound design.¬† It’s great to not hear space marines rubbing one out when they get shot for a change.

As fan of both the first Armored Core and the two Zone of the Enders games, this is right up my alley and this is with it still being in a very early stage of development. As far as a release date goes, it’s got the frustrating “done when it’s done” time stamp on it but hey, I’m liking that I’m frustrated; it means I give a shit. [via PikiGeek]

Cockpit. lol.

I’ll break it down for those you who aren’t in the know. They’ve got a texture pack running to make it look like Chrono Trigger that I need to download as soon as possible and they recreated the switches revealing a secret room with in game red stone circuits. Also, here’s how Enhasa looks in Chrono Trigger:

Original Enhasa

So yet again, the Minecraft creative community prove themselves kings amongst nerds and why they’re another reason I can’t stop playing this game. Kudos to youtube user Kaiassc; this actually made me giddy.

Hey, doper. Your Queen's nuts.

There’s a current dialogue going on in my head that’ll best sum up my feelings about this game:

Positive Me: “Hey, wow!¬† This is looks like Wind Waker and Twilight Princess made a sweet fun baby!”

Negative Me: “Pfft.¬† Yeah and like any baby from a royal family, of games in this instance, it’ll probably be boring and not very good at conversation.¬† Ha!”

Positive Me: “…Negative Me, that was a terrible attempt at metaphor.”

Negative Me: “I don’t care!¬† I’m sick of Zelda.¬† I’m sick of dealing with a goddamn mute Legolas and his helpless tit of a hole.¬† Lemme guess, there’s a new bad guy that looks moderately interesting and by that I mean ‘he doesn’t look like Gannon.’”

Positive Me: “I suppose, I don’t kn…”

Negative Me: “I’m telling you right now, it’s going to be fucking Gannon in the end so shut up.¬† And the story will be tedious, and there will be a fetch quest, and an annoying gimmicky dildo-shaped something…hell it’ll be an actual dildo. A magical dildo that you’ll use the wiimote to wave around in some convoluted pattern to summon or unlock some bullshit that could’ve easily been unlocked or summoned by summoning your thumb to press the A button.¬† AMIRITE?!”

Positive Me: “…But our wife loves playing it and loves when we play it with her.”

Negative Me: “…GODDAMMIT.”

So is this what it’s come to for me?¬† I’m getting marginally excited for a game because my better half likes it?¬† I really found Twilight Princess to be a choir in a lot of ways: the story was just a mess, the wolf gimmick was forced as fuck and Okami handled wolf controls so much better, etc.¬† But the basics, the reasons I love any Zelda game, the puzzles and dungeons were on par with any of the other 3D installments’ offerings.

This trailer, however – like the first one – barely did anything for me.¬† Yet there’s a definite feeling of comfort that I’ll at least know this game vicariously through the Mrs. and I’m hoping that once I begrudgingly give it a try, that I’ll recapture that love for the series that I’ve been missing recently.

…fuck it, I’m gonna go play LttP.

Nintendo Wii: The (Mixed) Family Console.

*Your orgy participants' appearances may vary.

To put it very bluntly: I have the worlds hardest boner for this game. ¬†I’m sorry that you had to picture the abomination that resides in my pants just now. ¬†However, it’s the only to properly convey just how excited I am for Bethesda’s next entry into the series, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.

This is getting way too long.  There are dragons.  Magic.  Gorgeous looking graphics and locations.  Max Von Sydow makes love to your ears and then BAM, the music unleashes a torrent of hot love that washes all over you.

Watch it.  Now.