the gang

it’s been awhile since i’ve taken on a superhero flick here on the breach. i passed on thor and cap and hulk and lantern and whatever else might have popped up in there that i’m leaving out. not enough DC i say. but the last time i was here talking about men with super-suits or x-ray specs, i played naysayer to the worst sequel this side of Back to the Future 2. but it’s been a long time since then. and since dc is giving us … green lantern (sigh), marvel has been running rings around hollywood. in the interest of full disclosure, i’m a full on DC guy, and i’ll take the Trinity over ANY group, ANY day. still, iron man was awesome. captain america was pretty good. those 2 hulk movies were ok. and thor was … well … important to the avengers story at least.

lolz!

so here it is! all this time in the making. all the sitting through the end credits to see all the sam jackson cameos – all the press releases – all the shoe-horning of scarlett and renner into movies where they didn’t belong is finally over, and the end game is at hand. and while it might’ve been hard to see the point while you were sitting through the end of iron-man 2 or the parts of thor sans idris elba, much like a child doesn’t understand the use of piano lessons, you are now grown, and when you sit and tickle the ivory, the foxy chicks abound, and you thank god for every single lesson.

where did this analogy come from?

ok, so fudge all that. that doesn’t make any sense. here’s what makes sense: The Avengers is an awesome damn movie. i wouldn’t say i was walking into the theater expecting to hate this flick, but it would be equally unfair to say i just had a few doubts. sure i liked the buffy tv show when i was in high school, but it’s on instant now, and lemme tell you, it’s DATED YO. i DO love Firefly. it’s great. one of the truly great tv shows to come around ever. but dollhouse left no impression on me, dr. horrible’s sing-along blog was, as kindly as i can say, not for me, and i absolutely Hated (capital ‘H’ over there <—-) cabin in the woods. and it’s been getting easier and easier for me to say whedon was a flash in the pan. he caught lightning in a bottle with Firefly. but now?

zing!

so it’s easy to go all hyperbolic with a movie like this. it’s big-budget. its cast is LOADED with acting talent (ruffalo and hiddleston topping my list). and it managed the impossible by not becoming the train wreck i expected. and as far as hyperbole – i had an absolute BLAST watching this in the theater. i was laughing and rocking back and forth in my seat the same way i did when i was a little kid watching jurassic park in the theater all four times. it felt like watching terminator 2. and the matrix. while it’s not the technical marvel that those 3 movies were, The Avengers immediately jumps into the mix of my favorite action movies i’ve ever seen. hyperbole? *shrug*

but if you’re looking for details, take a hike. this isn’t a review, it’s a recommendation, and i’m not spilling any beans. ok maybe one or two beans. thor becomes in this movie what he should have been allowed to become in his OWN damn movie. and hulk? hulk smashes.

in the end, i think joss earned a TON of credit for this movie. he’s earned the budget for whatever he wants to do next. and he’s earned my apologies. this man is no flash in the pan. in fact, despite his relative early success and faithful fan-base, this might just be the beginning.

boss whedon

Update: The trailer I’m referring to in this article is now released.  Doesn’t really have an impact on what I’m attempting to say though.  Read on if you’re bored.

I’m going to keep this extremely simple, short and sweet.

Everyone on planet Earth knows a Batman movie is coming out this summer, WB.  I’m fairly certain undiscovered alien species on planets unknown to us are aware of it as well.  If your new trailer was so amazing you’d just release it when scheduled and let it speak for itself.  But, no, you’d rather toy with every bored internet nerd and have them do free extra legwork for you to promote your movie that doesn’t need a single tiny shred of extra promotion.  We all know The Dark Knight Rises (still a stupid fucking title) is coming out this summer and we’re all going to go see it and gush over Chris Nolan’s gritty, ‘real world’  take on the Batman yet again.

So reign the ego in, please.  Keep the over confidence at bay on this one.  It’s going to do a bazillion dollars and break records no matter what.  You don’t need to require me to login to facebook and repost your campaign to help.  Not even close.   The more I thought about all of this though, I wondered why Warner Bros. didn’t at least get a little edgy or more creative with their campaign.  Fanboys will do whatever the fuck you ask of them.  Why not go for broke and have a laugh at our expense?  You want the new trailer early?  Get 10,000 people to post videos on facebook of them dressed as Batman in a public place trying to actively fight crime.  That’s not edgy at all, it’s just potentially hilarious.  Want to push the envelope a bit?  Require at least 1,000 (lower number yes, but this is more extreme) crazy Batman fans to tweet a video of them rubbing one out to a Chris Nolan headshot while screaming “WHY SO SERIOUS??”  Hell, why not just get Adam West to start showing up at random Chili’s restaurants to seat them with his cock  hanging out?

Hey Warner Bros exec, don’t look at me like that.  Don’t act like any of that wouldn’t grab you a fucking headline.  Crazy fans masturbating to your director shouting overplayed catchphrases to one of your previous Batman flicks?  Nothing but gold there, guy.  Adam West shouting at a table for five to please follow him with his batdong flappin’ in the breeze?  Instant box office millions.   I promised I’d keep this short, didn’t I?  Well I’m keeping it this time.  Enough with the dick rubbing hype, WB.  We get it.  Release your stupid trailer.

btw go see Cabin in the Woods.

Tomorrow I’ll be constantly reminding myself that I’m an adult and adults don’t go out and buy things they want just because they want them. Instead, they post trailers of them on websites, gush about how they want them, feign restraint, and get meta in an introductory paragraph. Currently, I’m in chapter two of The Witcher and I’ve promised myself that I won’t even considering buying the second, due out tomorrow, April 14th, until I finish the first. If the first game is any indication, I need to get on with that as the second game fixes a lot of the problems with the first and there aren’t many to be had with that one.

The world of The Witcher is incredibly deep and going on the journey with the fantasy version of Philip Marlowe in the form of Geralt of Rivia doesn’t hurt.  Having read The Last Wish (the game series is based off a popular Polish book series) and taking into consideration my play time with the first game, I can safely say that this is a world that any ardent sword & sorcery RPG fan will definitely want to get into.

If that wasn’t enough, check out this short made with the game engine by CD Projeckt Red.

what’s the explanation? i figure it’s that in the world of the internet, we aren’t separated by time or distance, so much as we are the next link. while you click around a bit – on my name, the history, the sleeper cell tab, or whatever you click, i’m really just a couple pixels away. words that i typed out 2 years ago, right there – just inches from your cursor.

in which case, you can imagine your entire life as one giant semi-formal dinner. you’re milling around, drinking gallons and gallons of accumulated tequila, you’re roaming from guest to guest looking to step into an interesting conversation, and evey once in a while, you amble over to my lil corner of existence to overhear whatever my decades-long conversation with the wall is about. and today, it happens to be the film adaptation of suzanne collins’ wildly successful young adult sci-fi novel, the hunger games. how ya been?

so i think, first off, it’s important i say that this isn’t a bad movie. actually, it’s better than Not Bad. this movie is actually kinda good. it’s important to say, firstish off, this is a pretty good – no wait, kinda good – this movie’s pretty darn good. i just didn’t like it all that much. which is ok! there are tons of movies out there that are pretty good but that i don’t like.

the one i always use to make the clearest point is THE WIZARD OF OZ. great movie. i don’t like it. my dad assures me that as a child, i LOVED it. i’ll take his word for it. but, in my defense, i also shat my pants a lot back then. we all grow.

besides, watch WoZ again. trust me, it’s not that great. so, granted, it’s not the best example. ANIMAL HOUSE? maybe another bad example – i’m not sure how well fans of that movie can read. how about THE GODFATHER? i’m sure most people who’ve seen the godfather have liked it. i’d say i might be in that group too if i could actually sit through the that self-indulgent, artsy-fartsy piece of 9 hour over-romantic, gangland nonsense. ok. lemme back up. i don’t want to start a fight. like i said, i haven’t even really seen that piece of crap yet. so to all you retards who like that movie, “i apologize.”

and really, there are TONS of bad movies out there! and how many GOOD movies can you think of? even if you bought all the movies you’ve ever even slightly liked, how many would you have? a thousand? two? out of the tens of thousands of movies out there? honestly, if you’re ever actually watching a movie, the odds are good that you’re watching a pretty bad movie. it’s a numbers game.

TOP 5 “GREAT” MOVIES ZACK HATES (the-c’mon-really?-he’s-seriously-still-doing-haikus haiku edition)

nothing's free, charlie

5 – it seems there’s also
no laughing in the war room,
gentlemen. Strangelove

4 – if their government
was this aimless, they’d be screwed…
oh wait. Amarcord

3 – honestly, i can’t
remember anything not
chariots. Ben Hur

2 – we dog singer’s dad
issues, but let pete jackson
off the hook? ALL THREE.

1 – rich shut-in loves kids?
wonka’s choco-factory
packs charlie’s fudge.

alright – i’ve decided there’s simply no way for me to address this movie without giving a few things away. and really, the few plot points i feel i need to mention are so monumentally obvious that if you consider it a “spoiler,” it’s either because you’re completely in the dark about the HUNGER GAMES TRILOGY by suzanne collins, or you have horrific critical thinking skills. if by chance you fall into either of those categories, read on at your own peril.

there’s nothing really BAD about this flick, unless you count pacing, it’s just that, well, it’s one of those that starts, entertains you for a couple hours, and then ends. it does have one standout scene, which i guess is more than most movies give you, but trust me, if you’ve seen the movie, it’s not the one you’re thinking i’m thinking. if you know the story at all, and odds are good you do, then you prolly know what’s gonna happen. it’s not super-suspensful. i’m sure that upon its release, readers of the book were hanging on every chapter wondering what would happen. but for those late to the trilogy (like m’self), it’s kinda hard to not know what’s around every corner. mainly ’cause, well, there’s a sequel. and that feeds into my major beef with this movie.

there’s little to no danger at all. and certainly no hunger. not to be THAT guy, but the book explains a few things which are left out here. first off, it’s called “the hunger games” for a reason – mainly, the 24 kids (i’d totally explain this, but there’s virtually ZERO chance that anyone reading this doesn’t know what’s going on here – however, if you happen to not know the story or what 24 kids have to do with the movie, ask down in the comments section so we can all laugh at you) have to stay in the arena until there is only one competitor left alive. which, given the size of the arena, could take awhile. but there’s never any sense that food will be hard to find.

what a cow

 CASTING NOTE
there was a bit of hubbub when jennifer lawrence was cast as the lead, katniss everdeen. mainly because she was a little too round. or pudgy. basically, she’s a giant fatass. obviously.

the character katniss is supposed to be on the verge of starvation throughout just about the entire novel. and lawrence is so totally does not have the deathcamp look. [and hey, if you're one of the people who hated on jennifer lawrence because she was too pretty, then you're prolly one of the same losers who hated on sam worthington for his hair in clash of the titans. scumbag.] so, it’s really too bad that while you’re trying to enjoy this movie, you’ll be forced to look at a beautiful young woman. i don’t know how these producers sleep at night.

but other than woody harrelson SAYING, “hey bros, find some water, ’cause you’re gonna be thirsty ‘n’ stuff,*” you have no idea that starvation is supposed to be a problem. [*not actual film dialogue]

and really, i’m getting rambly and long-winded again. the problem is danger. there’s no danger. could katniss die? nah. will she find food and water. why wouldn’t she? holy cow that firestorm almost slightly singed her hair! whew. close call.

other casting controversey?
spoiler alert #2: black actors were hired to play black characters.
this sweet little gal, Amandla Stenberg, plays Rue.

power

the name doesn’t give much away. i guess, if you were french, you could imagine someone french. or if you were american, maybe a cajun. still not quite definitive. so, where to look for some kind of physical description…. the text? no. that’s silly. why would an author ever actually DESCRIBE a character? hm. where else? oh what the hell. let’s check the text!

stick to the text, dude

now i don’t know about you, but that just SCREAMS elle fanning at me. and because it bears mentioning, Thresh, the other black competitor, is described as such: “He has the same dark brown skin and golden brown eyes as Rue.” and in fairness to the setting of the story, suzanne collins is obviously trying to create a multi-racial future where it’d be hard to find ANYone who you could describe with such a limiting phrase as african-american or caucasian. this is a world where all the races are mixing – we don’t all look chinese YET, but it’s a lot closer that we are now. and if you were imagining rue and thresh as cute, typical, little whities, because you just skimmed the direct description, that’s fine. people make mistakes. i finally read wuthering heights a few months back, and i still have no idea which linton was married to which cathy or catherine or someone was name earnshaw. fudge it.  i don’t blame you.

(regarding lenny kravitz? i’m really hoping it’s just because mos def had scheduling conflicts.)

and i know, i know. this has all been hashed out in the media ad-nauseum. i’m really only including it here to say that if you were pissed about being forced to actually give a shit about black characters, please, FUCK. OFF. fuck off, and don’t ever come back.

and really, even though i like lawrence in the role, it might only have been because she’s the only actor of the on-screen kiddies who realizes she’s in a major motion picture, and not a local high school one-act UIL meet. but this isn’t the first science fiction flick to ever ask its audience to suspend their disbelief. and it won’t be the last. even this year!

so would you believe i like it? ’cause i do. but i’m a liar. so watch it. in the theater no less – it’s a good crowd experience. still, in the overall scheme of things, i’d say it doesn’t get done what it wants to get done as much as Woman in Black. and really, if you’re looking for an awesome time in the theater with ridiculous action and morals so secondary they might as well not even be there, check out Wrath of the Titans!

woo!

May I call you Ryan? Or is it one of those Janet Jackson kind of things, like, your first name ain’t baby, it’s Ryan, Mr. Gosling if you’re nasty? If that’s the case, I’ll stick with Ryan. I don’t think I’m that nasty…

Ryan, I am of the opinion that we should go out.  Ever since I saw you in Remember The Titans, I’ve been completely enamored with you.  In case you weren’t aware, you are incredibly handsome and I’m fairly certain 75% of the population is currently fawning over you.  Why not 100% of the population? I don’t know; I didn’t major in statistics.  This past summer, I saw Drive, and while you were cracking skulls with your foot, all I could think was, “Sigh… I wonder if he would crack skulls with his foot for me.”  My classmates often post your memes to my facebook page; I think even they realize we’re destined to be together. Did I mention we actually had your horror-themed cd in our radio station when I was in college? I even played it once, and it was pretty haunting. Is it too soon for bad puns? Sorry. I probably could have played it more, but Halloween only comes once a year and it would have clashed with our radio show on numerous occasions. Ok, I’m not helping my case, so I’ll change the subject.

You seem like a stand up guy with stand up qualities.  You love your mom, you take your girlfriend, Eva Mendes, on trips to Paris, and you even opt to adopt instead of buying puppies from pet shops.  AND you were on an episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark?, which both delighted and frightened me as a child, especially since the episode in question had a very creepy Gilbert Godfrey in it.  Plus, that episode was about a radio station that picked up white noise and took you to the land of the dead.  That’s what you get for being fascinated by death and for making your mashed potatoes into a grave, I guess.

I’ll confess I’m no expert in the art of seduction, but I am an expert in the art of buttering you the fuck up.  I’m sure it will work so well that you will realize Eva Mendes is just a pothole on the way to Mrs. Right, aka me.

1. If Hey Girl memes are true, then you truly are the perfect man:  According to one of my many scholarly Ryan Gosling sources, Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling, you would Swiffer my house, you would think it’s cute when I cut one in my sleep, and your New Year’s resolution would be to give me more foot massages (which are always welcome).  Along with that, you would think me knitting in my pajamas for two days straight and watching a Golden Girls marathon would be totally sexy.  Finally, you would love my p-wave, which is like, the sweetest thing ever! In turn, in the eternal debate of Ryan Gosling vs. a puppy, I would always choose you.  And yes, I do think you were robbed of the title of Sexiest Man Alive.
   

   Seriously, did they get Carol from the chemistry poster to judge this year?

2. You appreciate horizontal stripes: Perhaps you appreciate them because they’re a subtle pattern, and nowadays they come in different combinations so you won’t look like you’re in a chain gang. Perhaps you love them because tank tops and horizontal stripes go together like peanut butter and jelly.  Hell, maybe it was laundry day and that’s all that was left to wear to the gym.  Whatever the case may be, Ryan, you look absolutely stunning in horizontal stripes.  Let the haters keep hatin’, it’s probably because they can’t pull them off quite like you!
3. Canada is delightful: Oh Canada, your home and native land! What’s there to say about Canada? The snow is lovely, the people are friendly, and there are moose!  It’s home to Niagara Falls, mountain police, and Chromeo, who I just so happen to be listening to right now. It doesn’t even matter to me that Canada has bestowed unto us Nickelback, because you migrated from the great white North and America has never been the same since. Plus, Canada has poutine.  Can you think of anything more delicious than French fries covered in gravy and cheese? Yeah, I thought so.
4. You’re a musician:  Stop the presses, this just in! Ladies dig on musicians. It’s true, we even dig on that Q-Tip Mick Jagger, and somehow, Billy Joel keeps getting a wife.  How is that possible? They’re really good at Trivial Pursuit? Nope.  They load the dishwasher just right? Doubt it.  Super famous rock icons? Bingo. I discovered through my other scholarly source, IMDB, that you can play the guitar. And one time I even saw you playing the ukulele on Jimmy Kimmel Live!  You can sing, and play instruments, and gosh darn it, I just want to be the June to your Johnny and sing duets with you all the livelong day!
   

   The next number one hit single: I’m Head & Shoulders Over You.

5. I’m sure like Noah, you would build me a house: And I bet it wouldn’t fall down because you can handle power tools! And it wouldn’t have a man cave.

If this letter doesn’t convince you that I’m destined to be your date to the Oscars one day, I just don’t know what else will.  Maybe the Golden Globes? I can get over the fact that you didn’t invite me to the Oscars if you invited me to the Golden Globes instead. That’s the one with food and booze, right? I’d be ok with that.

Write back soon! Kthnxbye!

Sincerely,
Christina

P.S.  If I don’t get a reply, that’s ok. I’ll just write to this guy next time.

Danny Rad

so i waited about a month or so (prolly longer) to actually go see this movie. and then i waited about a month to write the review. and then i guess another month to finally post it here. so whatevs. in any case, this’ll be going up right around the time this movie comes out on home video.

ok. i wanted to start with a bad joke about the woman in black not actually being a ghost, but in fact an early 20th century alien intermediary with tommy lee jones, and they flashy-thinged harry potter into thinking it was a haunted house, but it was a horrible joke, and i probably should have just cut all mention of it out of this intro. so, consider all that cut. where to start with a movie that i don’t hate. right there i guess, yeh? i didn’t hate this movie. there you have it. did you even know this movie was out? after harry potter 7.1 and 7.2 made more money than the u.s. government is going to spend on clean energy r&d, the star of those 2 movies goes on to make a spooky british ghost story, and no one gives a shit. i mean sure, harry potter was fun, but what have you done for me lately danny-boy?

basically: radcliffe (equus) is a youngster in his lawyery, real estatey, businessy firm. his wife died in childbirth delivering his lil boy (4 years ago maybe?), and under penalty of employment termination, must go to a spooky english estate to cross t’s and dot i’s and take care of a ridiculous amount of paperwork (radcliffe, not his dead wife). it’s a fair setup for isolation that doesn’t feel at all forced or goofy. i just re-watched PANDORUM over the weekend, and i have to say, the old tricks are the best tricks. the greatest triggers for queueing up fear in the minds of an audience are usually those things which all people find frightening. waking up alone and not knowing where you are is scary. your boss threatening to fire you is scary. getting lost in the woods is scary. these are simple story-starters that make people uneasy. you don’t need to have the cat jump out at you to the blare of french horns when the audience is already spooked (not that WOMAN IN BLACK doesn’t do that – except with a bird). and while i had a blast with movies like INSIDIOUS and SILENT HILL, sometimes we try to out-clever ourselves in an effort to find some NEW ways to get creeped out. so while WIB is nowhere near as good as either of those movies, it’s premise is enough to confuse me into liking this movie more than i should. i think. or maybe i DISlike it more than i should, and it’s actually pretty good. either way, i half-like and half-dislike just about everthing going on here.

Hammertime

the kooky townsfolk of little towntingtonshire (or whatever the village was called) is a callback to a great horror trope of insider vs. outsider – it sets up the whole “you just don’t understand,” motif of small-town-with-a-secret which is used to great effect in great horror films such as VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, and just about every story stephen king has ever written. it’s even part of the backdrop of DRACULA and JAWS. it’s only problematic here because the acting of the townsfolk isn’t much better than it was in VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED or DRACULA. but even that is almost forgivable, because the film sets itself up from the very first few seconds to be a melodrama. when the production company logos are fading on and off the screen before the opening credits, and the logo pops up for HAMMER FILMS, it brings certain expectations with it. if you’ve seen any of the “great” christopher lee dracula films, you know you’re going to get bright, SUSPIRIA-red blood, a hero running towards the noise, no character (no matter how adorably insane they treat their puppies) will be safe, and there will probably way too much footage of the monster (there should also probably be a nice boob scene – sadly, WIB eschews the boobies). these movies are about tone and suspense, and not necessarily the big scare. of course, that was then, this is now, and nothing stays true forever. expect changes.

but in the end the costumes and set designs are super awesome! the house is big and spooky and has wonderfully dark rooms and over the top wind-up toys in the nursery – spot on! but the make-up is atrocious. i’m not sure if it was a continuity issue, or director james watkins just doesn’t think five o’clock shadows are becoming, but … let me explain: every time radcliffe is on camera, he looks terrible. as well he should! he’s overworked, overtired, overstressed and living in a goddam haunted house. the dude’s gonna be a little disheveled. at least until the script calls for a close-up. then, all of a sudden, his hair is fixed straighter than eddie munster, his beard is airbrushed more than a southside lowrider and he’s cleaner than something you would imagine to be really really clean.

Jane Longstocking

i initially went to see this movie because it was written by jane goldman (writer/co-writer of 2 of my favorites: KICK-ASS and STARDUST – both, incidentally, directed by matthew vaughan), but here, there’s almost no dialogue! the music is good. no complaints. and while the story is good and intriguing, there are points that make zero sense. i don’t want to get all spoilery, since i DO recommend seeing this flick, but at a climactic point in the movie, 2 of the major characters are split up by ghostly shenanigans, and you think, oh shit, someone’s gonna buy a farm, and then a corner is turned, a scary face appears to much nazgul-inspired shreiking and then we cut. which is good. steven speilberg told me it’s what you DON’T see that’s scary. but then later, we revisit said character, and he’s fine. and he’s like, “oops. we got separated. teehee!*” [*not actual movie dialogue]

and then harry is almost drowning in a swamp and then harry sees a ghost and then harry performs a burial and then harry sees his son and then the movie ends. and i’m like, wait. what? this movie’s closing credits are longer than the 3rd act. which isn’t really fair to the viewer – the plot is fair, and the conclusion is fair, but the speed at which they’re presented feels like spending a decade rebuilding a classic car from scratch, making sure you’ve got all original parts in mint condition, and then you’ve finally tightened every single bolt, and it purrs like a kitten, but then you paint it by tossing buckets of glidden at it.

but i’m not really into cars. so we’ll say it’s like painting a portrait, and you’ve just spent months making sure the eyes look just right, they look just like the eyes of lisa gherardini, they sparkle in the iris like they’re looking right at you, and her hair has a perfect part right down the middle and her nose is, well, it’s not a sexy nose, but it looks true to life, and then you take your 2-inch sable, dip it in the black, and slap a big fat parabola where her mouth should be.

but i don’t paint either. so we’ll say it’s like crafting a good horror movie, giving your audience 80 minutes of taut, tense, classic, gothic horror and then sprinting as fast as possible to the denouement and rolling the credits. yeah. kinda like that. still, after all that, STILL, i recommend. especially if you’re just gonna netflix it. if for nothing else than to convince yourself that little danny rad can be something other than the boy who lived.

There’s a part of me that feels guilty about admitting this. After all, we here at the Breach are nothing if not the pinnacle of movie reviewing professionalism, providing the entertainment starved masses with sharp, timely, movie and video game reviews that delve deeper than those of our brothers in blogging. So it is with that buttress of professionalism supporting my love for you all that I must fully admit that I was completely fucked up on tequila and beer while watching Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’s confirmation of everlasting love, Gigli.

From my lucid understanding of what I saw, Ben Affleck plays Larry Gigli, a mob enforcer that doesn’t look like a mob enforcer but does in fact look like Ben Affleck on a good day and thereby rendering any chance intimidation a non-factor. He’s not very good at his job from what I gathered but he’s given points for threatening to tumble dry a business owner in one of his own dryers unless he pays his protection dues.

Somewhere along the story, Gigli kidnaps a mentally challenged guy played by Justin Bartha who you might remember as the guy who didn’t get to have any fun in The Hangover because he was stuck on roof. The mentally challenged fellow’s name is Brian and he’s some prosecutor’s brother and mobsters do stuff like that because mobsters gotta mob.

Since Gigli sucks at his job, they send in Jennifer Lopez’s character who is a lesbian. I know this because even in the midst of having my vision catch up to me, I kept hearing the word “lesbian” and people would point at Jennifer Lopez. I can’t remember her character’s name and you can’t make me research this movie so I will call her character Rosie O’Donnell as they are both obnoxious individuals who happen to be lesbians.

So Rosie, Larry, and Brian are all chilling out in his apartment waiting for orders…that’s pretty much it. Even though we get Mr. Rogers-like guest appearances from Christopher Walkin, Rosie’s suicidal lesbian lover (not actual Rosie O’Donnell, the character’s), and Al Pacino in this movie, somehow, this movie is goddamn fucking terrible. I need to cuss as hard as I can when I make my opinion known, sorry.

The dialogue almost sobered me up.  Try having at least 4 shots of tequila taste in your mouth, rinsing it away with a refreshing Corona only to almost throw it back up when a leg flapping J-Lo tells Affleck “it’s turkey time” to let him know it’s time to insert his butt chin headed penis into her fleshy folds of vagina.  Yup.  Sobering.  But if you didn’t pick up on the fact that a man with a penis is having sex with a lesbian, this movie is probably for you because you don’t know definitions of words.  You see, he fixes her that poor little broken human being who thought she liked vagina instead of penis.   If you’re offended by that, surely you can distract yourself to the hilarious rap stylings of Brian and his rendition of Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back.”  It’s funny because he talks funny.

If anything, this movie should be studied in a lab as it has managed to be painfully boring, offensive to lesbians, offensive to mentally challenged people, offensive to Jennifer Garner, and offensive to people with eyes because Ben Affleck’s face really does look like a young man’s recently shaven ass and you have to look at it the entire movie.  I mean really, I can have fun with any movie being as drunk as I was and the only reason I didn’t turn into the dad from Chronicle is because of the company I had around me and the fact that we were talking about other stuff that wasn’t J-Lo’s explanation of why vag is beautiful.  If anything, Gigli makes a case for turning off Netflix every so often and enjoying other people’s company for a change.  Then again, “turkey time.”

Casa De Mi Padre

For those of you unaware, Will Ferrell made a movie where he speaks spanish throughout. It’s basically a telenovela spoof with incredibly absurdist humor. If you like Ferrell, as do I, you’re going to like this. Is it a masterpiece? No, but anything that knowingly has such an artificial tiger automaton is OK in my book. Worth checking out, but don’t go out of your way.

Sleepwalk With Me

The movie that “fixed” SXSW for me. Jen and I have become giant comedy nerds in the last year or so. And when comic Mike Birbiglia mentioned this movie on a podcast, an autobiographical film about his standup career, I swooned. So look, this thing feels like it was made for me. From literally minute 5 I knew it would be my favorite of the fest but I think it also speaks to anyone that has ever had the realization that they are having to transition into adulthood. It’s a very funny film and just has a ton of heart. The only drawback may be isolated to hardcore Birbiglia fans since a lot of spoilers come directly from his act. Loved, loved, loved this movie.

Intruders

What a waste… So make of this what you will. Directly after the movie, I found myself racing a stranger down the stairs at the Alamo Ritz to use the bathroom. When we both got to our respective urinals, standard position with one empty urinal between us, I began to do my business. The gentlemen in stall one gladly exclaimed, “I’ve had to pee since like 20 minutes ago!” To which I chuckled. He then proclaimed, “Great fuckin’ movie though.” To which I silently held my tongue.

Do you like getting your movie reviews from strangers that talk to you while holding their genitals? Then you may very well enjoy Intruders, a movie that I couldn’t wait to leave. It’s not terrible, but it is boring. My biggest gripe technically is that the “monster” in the film is completely CG when all it is is a big dude in a flowing cloak. Thematically, I just didn’t care.

Modus Anomali

“What just happened?” Heard three times from separate people leaving the theater. I enjoyed the movie but need to seriously digest it. I went on a whim, skipping The Aggression Scale‘s last screening, as a friend had recommended this. I’m not sure Modus Anomali will ever get distribution in the US but if it does and you feel like being told you’re dumb, check it out.

Day 7 and 8 preview

There will not be a day 9 for me. If I can go home before 10pm on Saturday, it’s a win. I’m seeing John Dies At The End tonight and then V/H/S tomorrow. I’ve heard mixed things on both. We’ll wee what happens.

The Hunter

Willem Dafoe plays a scientist for hire on the hunt for the fabled Tasmanian Tiger who gets embroiled in a local conflict in a foreign land. Sounds simplified but it all works. Honestly, this is the best movie we’ve seen at SXSW and whether that’s because it is just that good or I’m belligerently ignoring the buzz films is a toss up. The movie is beautifully shot, has suspense when needed, and creates characters that are instantly relatable. And if you’re wondering whether old ladies will love it, the four sitting next to us that would not shut up appeared to be enthralled. It says something though that if these broads can jabber jaw through a movie and I still come away impressed, the movie has something.

On a side note, the old lady talking through a movie phenomena is not something new to SXSW. It seems as though these folks only decide to see movies during SXSW because this never happens to me otherwise. And lest you think I hate all old people, I adore my 80-something year-old grandma and wish her a happy birthday this Saturday. I just hope she doesn’t spend it sitting next to a 29 year-old balding degenerate who desperately needs to hear every whisper and twig crack during The Hunter.

Girls (HBO TV Show)

They premiered three episodes of the new HBO half hour series Girls, which Judd Apatow produces with Lena Dunham directing, starring, and writing. Now make of this what you will because I’ve never seen Sex in the City but this show felt like a real version of that show with more subtle female archetypes. You have the prude, the beauty, the weathered mum, and, our main character, the aimless soul seeker. We only made it through two episodes due to another event but the show is very strong and has some great laughs. The story involves four females living in New York dealing with various life events. The primary focus falling on a character who at the age of 23 has been cut off financially from her parents and is struggling to make ends meet. I’ve nothing more to point out here other than recommend you check out the show. I’m tired, get off my back.

21 Jump Street

We actually saw this last week thanks to a generous measure by the SXSW folks (volunteering does have its perks). Honestly, blown away by how much I enjoyed it. The film is funny, has a lot of heart, and is shockingly entertaining. I would recommend steering away from the trailers and seeing it with as large a crowd as possible. I’ve been telling people this on Facebook and Twitter since last evening but any concerns over this ruining the legacy of the TV show should be assuaged by the way this film borders parody at times. I likened it this way last evening- if someone set out to make a Saved By The Bell remake/movie with the same energy and tongue-in-cheekedness as 21 Jump Street, I’m buying a ticket tomorrow.

Citadel

I was really tired during this one so bear with me- a young man watches his pregnant wife get attacked by hooded figures and the event causes him to gain agoraphobia. The hooded figures continue to harass him, reaching a boiling point where he must team up with a neighborhood priest to fight back. It’s a horror film with some great scares. I don’t want to pass full judgement given how tired I was but it was certainly enjoyable. I’m not sure how you’ll get to see it but I’m betting it will be on Netflix Instant at some point.

Day 5 and 6 Preview

Today I’m hoping to see Will Ferrel’s Spanish epic Casa De Mi Padre, Sleepwalk With Me, and Clive Owen starrer The Intruders. Honestly, it’s a long shot that I don’t get kicked out of a SXSW line for telling a pseudo-intellect to cram his startup IP down his vagina hole, but follow me on Twitter if you need more updates before Thursday.