I like to think I provide  a service to the Breach faithful.  I like to think that.  Do I actually believe that?  No, not really.  I mean, most of the garbage I decide to dive into you folks wouldn’t even get close enough to sniff.  Still, I feel weirdly compelled to continue on and carry the torch on the quest to review the ‘bad movie’.  Whether you appreciate this or not, I’m still doing it for you.  I don’t get paid, I don’t get any joy or fulfillment out of this.  I’m not kidding, I get absolutely nothing from what I write here.  Often times it is downright painful to see what I am seeing.  There have been occasions where I’ve scrapped entire reviews and retreated completely into my dark place that you’ll never get to read.  No.  This column is solely dedicated to whomever decides to stumble across this website and deems my work worthy enough to read.  And I thank you.  You sick fuck.

Look, Bucky Larson Born to Be a Star is an easy enough target.  This movie is much maligned and has already been shredded a thousand times over by so many other critics.  I’m surprised even with Sandler’s Happy Madison production company at the helm that it even got a theatrical release.  Nick Swardson (Bucky) is the complete opposite of what you look for in a leading man and the script was probably written on and read from the Devil’s taint.   Swardson on his own is a terrible comedian.  He exhibits nothing that I find funny nor would anyone else with even the tiniest bit of a human brain.  He’s the number one reason I avoid mainstream comics.  There are so many like him, I’m afraid to take a chance anymore.  Why in the fucking world was this movie made?  Well, I know exactly why and I’m going to tell you.

The Sandler company dubbed ‘Happy Madison’ productions are just a bunch of fratboys who may or may not have been in an actual frat.  The movies this collection of toe jam produce are nothing more than a series of inside jokes and small bits that each of them can laugh at and I’m sure are based on whatever hijinks they get  into on their own.  This movie is no different.  I’m convinced these movies are not made for a profit, they’re just a way for these assholes to collect what they think is funny and show it to each other.  The real problem lies in the fact that they seek distribution.  Go shoot your gag reels guys, but please leave the public out of it.  This movie never needed to be released.  And how they got Christina Ricci (yes she is in this) involved, I don’t know.  I don’t know what dirt the Sandler crew has on that poor girl, but it has to be significant.  I’m sure her penance wasn’t just an appearance in this movie either.  The darker parts of me tell me she was perhaps the Happy Madison Cum Cup.  That sweet little Wednesday Addams  was violated by a group of hack comedians, yes.  I’m calling it.

Alright so what the fuck is this movie already you ask?  Well it’s Bucky Larson!  Bucky is a quaint little Midwestern boy from Iowa.  You know the type.  He’s got an annoying as all motherfuck Midwest accent (which he can’t understand is an accent) and is about as wholesome as an episode of Sesame Street.  Minus the 80s breastfeeding.  The movie opens with Bucky getting fired from his job as a grocery sacker, and quickly moves on to his friends trying to cheer him up with a pornographic movie.  See, ‘lil Bucky has never seen porn before, nor has he ever decided to play with his bits.  His friends cheering him on and instructing him on how exactly to do this is actually really fucking insanely gross by the way.   But Bucky is that stupid of a character.  He thinks it’s normal for his buds to tell him how to manipulate his junk in order to facilitate fun time.  Problem is, the porno they  happen to dig up to show him features Bucky’s parents.  Any normal child would reject this completely and probably go into a coma, but not Bucky.  Bucky is convinced that because his parents made just shy of a hundred fuck vids that he’s destined to head to L.A. and make some of his own.

This is where I suppose the movie would ‘take off’ if it were an actual movie and not something written on a cocktail napkin by the head of Adam Sandler’s penis.  So Bucky hops on the bus to L.A. with a dream to be not only in porn, but a porn STAR!  Of course his first few days in town he meets several pivotal characters.  One being Christina Ricci.  I don’t remember her name from the flick, I think it was Becky, or Roberta or Cockswallower.  Who cares?  He meets her in a diner she’s waitressing at and of course they hit it off.  Eventually she aids him in rooming with a completely insane Kevin Nealon who has fallen so far since his Weekend Update gig it’s not even remotely funny.

After a botched commercial audition (which of course he thinks is a porn gig) he ends up at a party of who’s who in porn.  The top dog being a well-hung man named Dick Shadow played by HOLY FUCK STEPHEN DORFF!  This is what, his 3^rd appearance now in the Crawl Space?  Deuces Wild, Fear.com and now this??  He’s like a Crawl Space legend at this point.  You know the saying, “the man can’t act his way out of a paperbag”?  Well the Dorff doesn’t even know what a paper bag IS, motherfuckers!  After observing Dorff again, I realized something.  He’s the poor man’s (if there is such a thing) 80s Christian Slater, who is also another Crawl Space alum.  The two of them deserve to work together in the worst buddy cop movie ever made.  I hope this happens.

Alright so Bucky gets discovered by this sleazy washed-up porn director who gives him a shot because he knew his parents.  Turns out, Bucky — big surprise— has the smallest cock ever seen.  This is something I was able to identify with, by the way.  Sleazy director played by the always brilliant Don Johnson, decides to shoot anyway and they discover Bucky’s real talent.  Not only is his junk miniscule, but he’s so sexually deprived that upon viewing a pair of breasts still trapped within a bra, he delivers a violent cumshot that A) no one knows where it went and B) is frighteningly delivered by Bucky imitating a tortured chimp.

Of course, Bucky’s shtick takes off as sort of the everyman in porn.  His dick is so small and he’s so sexually inept that  he becomes somewhat of an inspiration to all of us inadequate members of society.  He sweeps the adult film awards, even winning best taint.  I’ve never seen Nick Swardson’s taint, but I’m rather certain others would’ve rightfully won this.  When you look at the man without clothes it’s like looking into Satan’s bleached asshole.  Along the way, blah blah blah he ends up with Christina Ricci’s character, what was her name?  Fantasia?  I don’t know.

This movie repeatedly made me ask myself, is it worth it?  Is this worth reviving a column no one reads?  My ego barked out a resounding yes, while the other parts of me gave a quiet whispering of ‘dude wtf are you doing?  Just let it go’.  I believe that you all needed to know about this.  Because at the end of the day, no matter what is happening, someone may stumble upon this movie.  This is your warning.  Watch this movie with extreme caution, or please, don’t watch it at all.

I was out.   Done.  The game was out of reach.  Yet, just like Larry Legend, I’m comin’ out the locker room and shooting lights motherfucking out when all y’all bitches thought I was finished.  Just as the Boston Garden went apeshit, I imagine you all doing precisely the same thing right now.  Turns out that gaping hole between columns was merely halftime, people.  Did I just sit here and compare myself to one of the most legendary athletes in American sports history?  Why, yes I did.

DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK!  Ok I’m done.

And the crowd went MILD.

Let’s do this, shall we?  What better way to come back with the worst column ever than to return with a movie about a killer Bear…called BEAR?  Exactly, I couldn’t think of a better way to do this.  I watched a movie about a revenge-fueled bear.  Unfortunately a little research shattered my hopes of this movie being about a large, hairy homosexual man.  I didn’t necessarily want to see wall to wall gay sex, but I also wouldn’t complain about that.  No, this movie is about 4 total dickheads whose names I cannot recall; who decide cutting through wooded bear territory is the fastest way to get to their destination.  Oopsies!  They get a flat.    Being stupid city folk, of course it takes them 15 hours to swap out their flat with the spare.  During this time, a cute ‘ill ‘old bear happens upon their impromptu mini-van campsite with a, “HAY GUYS SUP?” kind of demeanor.  The macho retard in the group decides the correct response to this innocent bear question is to empty a full clip from his handily stowed 9mm into the bear, killing it pretty fucking dead.

Now, I don’t know a whole lot about Bears.  In fact, the only thing I know is that they really enjoy cocaine.  In fact, they FUCKING LOVE IT.  At least that’s what the internet has taught me.

What I definitely know is that it’s really not cool to just shoot a bear dead when you had ample time to re-enter your vehicle, put the fucker into drive and haul ass out of the bear infested woods.  I mean really, it’s almost comical how many rounds this guy puts into the bear.  I’m guessing it was a 20 round clip, and you hear pretty much every shot go off.  The bear initially took that shit like a champ too, just absorbing bullets.  After it bit the dust, everyone is happy (except the one dude with half a conscience) and they all pile in the van to get the hell out.  Uh oh!  The van won’t start now.  No big deal, the bear is dead, right?  Yes, the bear is very much dead.  But guess what?  The bear’s bestest pal is alive and he’s probably on a serious cocaine bender because he proceeds to fuck this party’s shit up.

These motherfucking assholes are seriously the worst people on Earth, so you really just end up rooting for the revenge bear.  The bear which I should add is almost entirely real.  There is a real bear on set, roaming around doing bear stuffs.  Only in the extreme close-ups are we able to tell it’s temporarily a man in a suit.  The problem with using an actual bear 99% of the time is that you only gain sympathy for the animal and never the characters.  The bear is just cute as a motherfuck.  The way their shaggy bear ass jiggles when they get up on their hind legs.  Fucking adorable.   Of course our cast does not acknowledge this because the bear is trying to eat them, but I can’t help but let out an “awwwww” every time I see it.

This movie is horrific.  It’s predictably really low budget, features unsympathetic characters always doing the dumbest things imaginable and features some insanely hilarious dialogue.  At one point, the macho man character snaps and delivers this doozy during one of the many bear on van attacks:

‚ÄúFuckin come and get me.¬† I’m gonna kill your babies!¬† I’m gonna fuckin eat your fuckin babies!¬† I’m gonna skullfuck your stupid fucking face!”

Um, HELLO, the bear does not speak English how is he supposed to interpret trash talk?  All he’s hearing is, “EAT ME AND MY FRIENDS I SHOT YOUR BUDDY!” followed by his inner voice detailing how much he loves cocaine.  Christ, the amount of clueless cinematic assholes is astounding at times.

The question always with these movies is, is it so bad it’s good?  A question I always feel obligated to address and answer considering I write the resident column on bad flicks.  For almost the entire running time, aside from macho guy’s little ‘fuck your babies’ outburst I would’ve thrown this in the so bad it’s just bad category.  Then, with only 10 minutes remaining in the flick, something amazing happened that catapulted it right into so bad it’s good territory.   What could be so awesome to change my opinion completely?  This:

In the heat of the moment, one of our female human characters, in a last ditch effort to save herself, reaches into her friend’s purse and pulls out an 8 ball of coke throwing it in the bear’s face.   As you can see in the above picture, through movie magic the 8 ball has turned into a 5 pound bag.  Upon witnessing this moment I appropriately lost my shit.  Lady, you think a fucking psycho bear that is well documented on the internet as loving cocaine is going to be slowed down by this act?  You naïve, sad little person.

I don’t really have to illustrate this in many other ways.  They put up a decent fight given that they are douche bags and even showcase a little MacGyver instinct by somehow turning a golf club into a cattle prod with an iPod charger.  Not sure how the technology behind that works, but it doesn’t matter because there was cocaine thrown into the bear’s face as a defense.  That right there is worth the price of admission.

I still can‚Äôt believe I watched this.¬† I wasted a perfectly good Sunday afternoon doing this. ¬† If you’re looking for the part where all the actors names are and the director, you’re not going to find it here. ¬†IMDB that shit. ¬† I hope you‚Äôre all fucking happy.

I like to believe I keep myself pretty current on most things pop-culture.  Problem is, I don’t really bother keeping up with actual ‘pop’ music.  That’s probably why this Justine Bieber came out of nowhere for me in the past few months.  Did I say Justine?  I apologize.  He’s a somewhat effeminate prepubescent little guy, easy mistake to make.  Actually, as of this review he’s probably hit puberty.  Congratulations Justin! Enjoy your newfound awkwardness! I’m sorry, I hope you don’t mind if I listen to this CD while I write this.  I’ve really got to keep the volume low though because I don’t exactly want to send the wrong message to those that reside in the apartment here with me.  I don’t want to spend half an hour explaining this shit.  The more I rationalize the creepier I’ll get.  Let’s move on.

Ok, so, back to the Bieb.  I call him that.  Work with me.  Everyone (but me until recently) pretty much knows the kid’s story.  He was discovered on YouTube, hooked up with Usher and then BAM he was cranking out the sweetest, sweet pop sweetness you’ve ever heard.  He’s pretty much the male answer to Miley Cyrus.  Now, the cool thing here is that he was not launched into stardom by American Idol, or some other asshat reality show talent search.  People liked his YouTube videos, and that got him his current gig.  I think that’s pretty awesome.  I can get on board with it.  His manager had him keep releasing intentionally crappy ‘homemade’ videos as a way to get him more pub before really breaking him wide open to the public.  That’s just a tad shady and dishonest, but that’s what managers do.

Shit, hold on.  My fucking SONG is on right now.  Yeah, Bieb.  Work that shit.  Oh, how rude of me.  Allow me to reprint the passage of this song that is moving me so.  It’s from, ‘Up’ and it fucking speaks to me, man:

We make the sun shine in the moonlight
We can make the gray clouds into blue skies
I know its hard
But baby believe me
That we can go

That is powerful, profound stuff, people.  We can go NOWHERE but up, guys.  Quit worrying about your stressful jobs or whether or not you‘re going to be able to pay the rent because you blew the last bit of cash you had on that 8-ball.  The Bieb knows that shit is going to be ok, and that should be all you need.   He’s also a relationship expert.  Ever feel like you just can’t get it right with your significant other?  Well so does Justin.  From ‘Stuck in the Moment’:

See like Adam & Eve
Tragedy was our destiny
Like Sonny & Cher
I don’t care I got you baby

I don’t know about you, but I’m not aware of anyone else on the current pop landscape that can namedrop Adam & Eve in a break-up tune.  If you’re not convinced at this point that J-Bieb is the real deal, then I don’t know what will convince you.  Oh, I get it.  Some of you don’t really care about his little pretty boy persona he’s got going and require a more ‘hardcore’ approach to music.  Well hold onto your dicks, people, because Beibs has what you need.  How about a track with Ludacris guesting on it?  Biebster says you are WELCOME:

Oh I was starstruck
She woke me up daily
Don’t need no Starbucks
She made my heart pound

Are you guys digesting any of this?  Ludacris doesn’t need fucking Starbucks because his woman is a substitute for caffeine!  I had something like that going with an old girlfriend once.  I didn’t drink coffee for like 2 whole days. I could sit here and just keep riffing on how great Justin Bieber is, honestly.  I’m not joking when I say that I’ve listened to My World 2.0 three times through just for the sake of this review.   That isn’t counting the time I’ve had it going while I’m writing this either.  If you’re not one of the 200 million Americans or Canadians that have already purchased My World or My World 2.0, then get your ass on iTunes and do yourself a favor.  The Bieb loves you, so show him some love back.  Unless of course you’re a jerk and you’re not into being enlightened by a 16 year old girl with a penis.

Mini Reviews!!

Taking Woodstock -

It’s got Demetri Martin as the kid who was apparently the catalyst for the original Woodstock happening where it did.  The movie is just ‘ok’.  It won’t anger you or anything, but it’s just so fucking middle of the road and really bland.  It certainly thinks it’s a lot deeper than it really ends up being.  Ang Lee directs so at least it looks pretty!  All the psychedelic shit is pretty rad, but other than…eh don’t bother.

Alice in Wonderland -

If you’ve seen some of my recent facebook or twitter updates you probably guessed that I hated this movie.  I’ve cooled off a little bit on it after thinking for the last few days.  Yes, the cgi is offensively bad most of the time and yes Tim Burton can suck a fat one, but I don’t outright hate it anymore.  It’s just too plain and boring to even be worth getting upset about.  It’s a harmless, stupid little movie.  SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT: Johnny Depp dances this silly little hip-hop inspired dance in the end.  Even if I were on board with this movie, that would’ve negated the entire thing.  I hate you, Tim Burton.  I still love you, Johnny Depp.  Even though that dance was really, really awful.

Transmorphers: Fall of Man is part of a family of copycat films, or ‘mockbusters.’  These films are designed in hopes of catching the one or the one million morons who will pick up a DVD box, see the letters TRANS, and just assume they are renting or purchasing the new Michael Bay Transformers movie.  Initially, I was kind of put off by this tactic and this shady business practice.  But as I was saying, all this is really doing is rounding up the idiots and putting them in a pen.  If you rent or buy Transmorphers and didn’t have the sense or care to read the box properly, then you deserve every bit of pain and suffering that this movie will inflict upon you.  You think Transformers 2 was a pile of shit?  Well buckle up, motherfuckers.

Those of us that are a part of the Breach and it’s loyal base of readers would probably say, “How does this happen?  Are people just retarded?”   We can’t really understand how these mix-ups take place because we’re a savvy, switched-on bunch of people.  It does indeed happen though, quite often.  I can remember the mother of a friend of mine mistakenly renting AIP Studios classic, Alien Space Avenger when she was asked to rent Aliens back when I was in high school.   Alien Space Avenger turned out to be one of the most unintentionally funny b-movies I’ve ever seen, but that’s another story.

So when watching Transmorphers: Fall of Man, I knew exactly what I had done.  This, unfortunately, makes me worse than whatever asshole confused the movie with Bay’s glorified b-movie, because I know what the hell I’m doing.  I have no regard for my own well-being when it comes to what I am willing to subject myself to.  I mean hell, I watched Sex and the City 2 this weekend, in the theater, with my hard-earned dollars.  I’m the biggest shithead I know for all I can tell.

Let me sum up for you what Transmorphers is about in several sentences.  Please feel free to skip this paragraph.  Alright so Transmorphers:  Fall of Man is a sequel actually.  It relies just a bit on whatever went on in that original cinematic atrocity, so I’m a bit clueless but here goes:  There are evil alien life forms controlling various machinery on Earth.  It’s a little bit of Transformers and a little bit of Terminator.  The alien robots want to take over Earth.  Why?  Fuck if I know.   Because Earth is pretty rad, I’m assuming.  Aliens are always all up in our shit, they love us.  Ok, so, the evil robots are taking over and we have to stop them.  That’s it.  There’s an ex-military dude named Jake, who used to fuck this girl Madison but now they’re broken up.  Then there’s this sheriff named Hadley (Bruce Boxleitner) who is clueless and is doing his best Clint Eastwood impression complete with gravely voice.  Throw in the token scientist and BAM you have an action thriller!

The movie opens with this long Helicopter shot over a city.  Presumably this is to assure us that the movie is legit and not some low-budget cash-in on stupidity.  The camera slowly lowers and we end up following the car of a girl, the daughter of a diplomat (which one I don’t know) cruising around a small town in California.  She’s bitching on her cell phone to her boyfriend, and eventually the cell-phone ‘transmorphs’ into a robotic spider, attaches itself to her face and burns a hole in her head.  On paper, that sounds like it could be pretty wicked but when you see it unfold on the screen, there’s no way you’ll be able to contain your laughter.

I’m sure you’re dying to know just how poorly done the robots are in the movie.¬† Well, they’re as bad as you would expect them to be.¬† You know how sometimes you’re playing a clearly rushed videogame and there’s a cutscene where the textures pop-in after about 5 seconds?¬† It’s kind of like that, except the textures never really load.¬† There’s a sheen to the animation that, of course, makes it look rather cartoonish and well below what even an amateur artist could pull off.¬† The designs of the robots themselves are also fairly uninspired and most of the time I didn’t really know what in the fucking hell I was looking at.¬† Some of them look like mutated Volkswagen angels while others appeared to be bad copies of those old Go-Bots.¬† Remember the Go-Bots?¬† NOBODY liked those.

Aside from all of the predictably bad CGI robots in the flick, there’s also a lot of funny continuity error bullshit going on.  One in particular, had me laughing hysterically and, when I retell it, may not seem quite as funny.  There’s a scene in which Jake (our ex-military guy remember) is brandishing a 9 millimeter, and all the while, the magazine for this weapon is not properly seated.  It’s just hanging out, about a third of the way.  I kept thinking, well that’s just silly, I mean this is supposed to be an ex-army veteran and he thinks he’s going to kill shit when he can’t even load a fucking sidearm correctly?  That’s funny enough, but when we cut to a few scenes later, Sheriff Hadley asks Jake to turn his weapon over to him, you see Hadley take the gun, look at it for a second and then properly seat the magazine!  It’s hard to really explain how silly this is without actually seeing it, but the reason it’s so funny to me is clearly Bruce Boxleitner, the guy who plays Hadley, just noticed in that second that the thing was hanging out and decides to be Johnny on the spot and fix it.  It’s not a character decision at all.  For all Boxleitner knew that part of him doing that would end up on the cutting room floor.  Brilliance.

Jake is also allergic to car doors.  Allow me to explain.  There’s a shot in a scene where Jake is reaching to open the rear door of Hadley’s squad car.  As soon as he grabs the handle and pulls up, you can easily tell the door is locked and he has this “oh COME ON!” look on his face for a split second.  They cut immediately after this, but I fucking saw it and little things like this were keeping me from taking a razor to my fucking arm.  Another classic Jake car door scene was one in which our heroes are making a getaway in an ‘89 Chrysler mini-van, which is already funny enough, but when he hops in and closes the sliding door, it won’t shut.  He continues trying to shut it as the van speeds off and the camera eventually cuts.  It’s fucking comedy, people.  It was all I had that was keeping me conscious, give me a break here.

Aside from Jake’s car door antics, there are a couple of other unintentionally chuckle-worthy scenes that make me want to go ahead and recommend this movie.  I can only recommend this if you’re drunk though, please do not attempt to watch this movie if you’re sober.  If you want to see a pacemaker pop out of a girl’s chest, and then watch her get the most ridiculous mercy killing ever put to film, then this is your movie.  Seriously, the guy that puts her out of her misery fills her full of holes, man.  At least 10 god damn gunshots into her torso.  Mercy killings by handgun should only be like one or two shots MAXIMUM,  guys.  Fucking brutal.  And awesome.

There’s also a delightful little scene in which the differences between ‘extra-terrestrials’ and ‘aliens’ are discussed.  Yes, to these assholes in the movie, there is a difference.  By the time they got to this, I was clearly a fucking space-cadet myself and I lost my damn mind with laughter.  Again, I have to recommend a viewing of this, but only if you’re drunk, or drunk with friends over.

Oh, and a homeland security dude gets stomped on by a horribly textured CGI alien robot foot.

I’m gone.

Here’s the trailer for Alien Space Avenger too. You need to see it. There are boobs in here, so I suppose it’s not safe for work.

Allow me to fill you in quickly on just what exactly the series is about. Denis Leary (more on this asshole in a bit) is Tommy Gavin, a New York City balls-of-steel firefighter who is still reeling from the fallout of 9/11. The idea that Leary is some heroic firefighter is offensive enough, but making him a hero on 9/11 is just preposterous. His cousin and best friend Jimmy Keefe (James McCaffrey) was one of the many firefighters who perished in one of the towers, and the dude hangs around as a hallucination/ghost routinely shooting the shit with Tommy. Tommy is also separated from his wife Janet (Andrea Roth) and lives across the street from her and their three kids, Connor, Katie and Colleen. Tommy’s firehouse, home of ‘62 Truck’, is a den of iniquity. The firehouse is full of colorful secondary characters. The only real likeable one out of these guys is probably Lieutenant Ken Shea (John Scurti) who is easily the smartest of this retarded bunch of cartoons. He’s the resident philosopher in a way, and his portly appearance make him appear harmless when he’s actually one of the biggest ball-busters in the firehouse. Then there’s Franco Rivera, the completely repulsive and abrasive ladies man of the crew. Daniel Sunjata who plays Rivera makes playing him seem a little too easy at times, almost as if he’s a pussyhound piece of shit jerk in real life as well. The rest of the crew is rounded out by Sean Garrity (Steven Pasquale) and Mike ‘the probie’ Silletti (Mike Lombardi). These two are the dumbest guys in the house. That easy kind of dumb too, it’s not even remotely funny when they constantly point out how idiotic these guys are. Then there’s Chief Jerry Reilly (Jack McGee) who plays the hardnosed boss who is also a complete douchebag homophobic mess of a man.

The show centers around Tommy for the most part, and his chronic issue with alcoholism, family issues and trouble letting go of 9/11, but it does tackle the other firefighter’s stories to keep things from getting completely stale. I’m going to focus mainly on Tommy/Denis Leary for the remainder of the review, because I just don’t have the time or space to hit on all the other retarded caricatures on the show. Just know that every single character, with the exception of Ken Shea, is a fucking jerk and deserves everything bad they have coming to them. The reasons I kept watching this show were the same reasons I flat-out hate the shit out of it. Being an FX show, I knew I was going to get an unhealthy dose of the word ‘shit’ since nearly every show on this station feels the need to use it just because they can. What I didn’t expect was that they’d use every other word other than ‘fuck’ to also drive home the fact that HEY THEY’RE ON CABLE, CHECK OUT WHAT THEY CAN DO. It’s exhausting and will likely turn you completely off unless you’re a filthy son of a bitch such as myself. There’s also a crazy amount of sex on this show. I mean, like every 5 seconds people are fucking. And everybody is fucking everybody! The sex is not just your typical under the covers style network TV shit- this is full on nasty sex, people. They pretty much get away with everything but showing nipples on breasts, which is sort of ludicrous when you see the amount of things they do show. Oral sex (on both men and women), as well as other extremely graphic depictions of every sexual position imaginable are here. This wouldn’t be so bad if 99% of it didn’t include that scrawny asswipe that is Denis Leary.

About Denis Leary…I really, really hate this man. If you’re a Bill Hicks fan such as myself, then you probably have a special hatred for the guy too, since it’s widely known that he ripped off rather large pieces of Bill’s act. He’s the consummate hack comedian. His bullshit cigarette sucking, angry ranting? All derived from Hicks. The only thing he couldn’t rip off of Bill Hicks was the endearing quality Bill had. Leary can rant all day but he can’t conjure up even the tiniest amount of heart and conviction that Bill displayed so effortlessly. He’s a one-trick pony by its very definition. It’s weird though, despite my fiery hatred for him, I just can’t stop watching him on this ugly, hateful and borderline racist show. The show is complete crack and I’ve put way too much of this shit into my body and now I feel a little sick. Leary can go die in a fire. See what I did there?

So where does the show go? Tommy Gavin has sex with everyone, his wife is a bitch on wheels, his kids are one dimensional little pricks and the entire firehouse is full of uninformed turds who are intent on also fucking everyone. In the middle of all of that, tons of characters die and in the most clichéd way possible. Every time a season started running out of steam, the writers clearly had a meeting and decided to axe a main character. That’s nothing new on television really, but when you see how predictable it is on Rescue Me, you will no doubt be laughing out loud rather than sobbing like a little girl. The show is also a revolving door of guest stars. Susan Sarandon and Michael J. Fox are among the lot, slumming it. Disgraceful

I will never understand how this show every won an Emmy for anything. It‚Äôs just a bunch of shitty Denis Leary rants strung together and skinned with a fireman theme. The show‚Äôs crude, filthy and as stated before, borderline racist subject matter operates under the guise of ‚Äòthis is how a firehouse is.’ Much like fellow shitty comedians such as Larry the Cable Guy and Alex Reymundo, it‚Äôs all about trying to tell us that this is how people really talk and act. Everyone fucks everybody else and they all have severe potty mouth. This bullshit premise only exists as a property that Leary can shoehorn his tired, and completely narrow social commentary into and a way for FX to gain the 18-35 retarded drunken male audience. There is nothing redeeming here, and no matter what Leary wants you to believe, there are no life lessons to be learned. Just a bunch of assholes clowning around and glorifying the uneducated.

So, again, why the hell did I watch this? I’ve already stated it several times: I’m a pig. It’s that simple. It’s a way to pass the time, and although I know that it’s bad, I justify it to myself by being vocal about how unremarkable and scummy it really is. I am ashamed of watching it. The only thing I’ve learned from this show is that Denis Leary should never be shown with his shirt or his pants off. I feel like less of a man for gobbling up 5 seasons worth of this shit in a little under 2 months. Where is my dignity? Up in smoke.

Ok that was terrible.

I should stress the ‘origin’ part too, because that seems to be every critic’s main issue with the movie, that by the time it gets started it’s over.  Personally I didn’t find this offensive at all, because Scott takes his time setting up who this Robin Longstride guy is and why, by the end of the film he’s an OUTLAAAAAAAAAAAW!!  I know everyone wants Robin Hood and his merry band of assholes to start thieving and clowning right from the get go, I totally understand that.  Oh, and there’s the inevitable Braveheart comparisons that people would start throwing around.  To all of this I say: Get over it, go see it and have some fun.  It’s entertaining, so pull Little John’s huge war mace/stick thing out of your ass and quit hating just to hate.  Every review of this movie I’ve read has been just that.  Really vicious, and hateful and trying waaaay too hard to dislike it.  In a way, I have these reviews to thank in part for lowering my expectations even more than they already were after I saw the first trailer.  So, thank you stuffy movie blog geeks!  Yes I realize how close I am to hanging myself with that line, but I don’t care.

Robin Hood tells the story of how Robin Longstride (Russell Crowe) came to be the outlaw and hero we all know and love.  Robin’s just a regular dude really; an archer in the King’s army fighting abroad.  After King Richard (Danny Huston) falls in battle, Robin and a few of his buddies (future merry men clearly) decide to pack it in and head home.  Along they way, they come across an ambush, set in motion by the king of France, that was supposed to kill the already dead Richard.  Leading this failed attempted ambush is Sir Godfrey (Mark Strong as a villain AGAIN), a sort of English and French double agent.  Robin and his men take the king’s crown home to London.  Let me fast forward a bit here.  Robin meets up with Lady Marion posing as her dead husband, there’s an ordeal with the Magna Carta, newly crowned King John is a jerk, and William Hurt squints a lot.  I really don’t need to spend the time spelling all of this out here, just know that there is a lot of treachery, assholery and jerkish behavior.  And tons of violence.  Nearly bloodless violence I might add.

I don‚Äôt think I‚Äôve ever seen a movie this violent with such little blood. ¬†It‚Äôs probably my only hardcore nitpick on the movie. ¬†If you‚Äôre going to do a good epic war movie, then by golly make it as nasty and bloody as you can. ¬†There are thousands of arrows in chests, swords through torsos, hammers bashing skulls, and a paltry amount of the red stuff. ¬† I suppose I can satisfy my blood lust through video games instead, oh well. ¬† However, despite the lack of gore the battle scenes are really terrific.¬† Let‚Äôs be honest here- Ridley Scott can film shit like this with his eyes closed. ¬† There are some really awesome sprawling shots of battle (all thankfully missing Gladiator’s terrible CGI) as well as some really gritty and completely filthy close up shots of carnage. ¬†I know that‚Äôs kind of Scott‚Äôs specialty- the muddy battle scene- but it works for me.

The performances you ask?  They range from pretty good, to just OK.  Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood is alright, he’s not nearly as grunty or ape-like as you might have expected him to be.  The only real problem is that he’s just a little bit too noble.  There’s a sense of humor that pokes out of him a few times, but it’s underused.  I don’t want Robin Hood cracking jokes and spouting one-liners every time he takes some dude out, but come on just a little more humor would’ve relieved some of the Cate Blanchett bitchiness.  Blanchett’s Lady Marion is by the numbers.  She’s a total ice queen badass who works tirelessly and hasn’t had sex in a very long time.  Unfortunately there’s not a whole lot of chemistry between her and Crowe, but you probably won’t give much of a shit when you’re watching.  There’s plenty of other stuff going on to keep you entertained so you won’t need to be attached to the story of these two.  Oscar Isaac is perfectly prickish as King John.  You will hate him something fierce, and that’s the point.  Max Von Sydow turns up as Marion’s father in law and he, as always, is fun to watch.  There were times when it sounded like he had swallowed a frog though, I don’t know what was up with that.  Mark Strong as Sir Godfrey portraying yet another villain,  continues to perform this task exceedingly well.  How the fuck is this guy ever going to be anything but a bad guy?  I almost feel sorry for him.

Then there’s Robin’s merry dude friends, who were probably the most fun I had watching in the movie.  They’re used rather sparingly, but they’re colorful and were clearly having fun filming the movie.  Kevin Durand (Martin Keamy from LOST) plays Little John, Scott Grimes is Will Scarlett, and Mark Addy is Friar Tuck.  There was also some dude that was sort of the minstrel in the bunch, but he was just a scrawny pup who didn’t do much but sing.  I enjoyed the tunes though, I really did.  I know I’ll probably be in the minority on this, but those guys were a blast to see fucking around and being their respective characters.

I still can‚Äôt believe I‚Äôm recommending this movie. ¬†The story is needlessly complex. ¬†The score is just outright boring. ¬†If Scott uses that soothing, female voice singing elvish or whatever Lord of the Rings style bullshit one more motherfucking time, I will shit.¬† Yes, I will shit my pants in defiance of Ridley Scott’s musical choices. ¬† Crowe is pretty badass at times as Robin. ¬†The movie is seriously fucking packed with action and some really kick ass battle scenes. ¬†Even with only trace amounts of blood it‚Äôs fun. ¬†What the movie lacks in blood it makes up for in saliva. There is a ridiculous amount of spit flying at you during every close-up of every actor. I don’t think I’ve ever seen William Hurt dribble spit down his bearded chin until now. Amazing. The gang of merry bros is also pretty rad, and by the end of the movie I actually wanted to see a sequel. ¬†I must be out of my god damn mind right now.

As for the Sheriff of Nottingham? ¬†Almost non-existent. He’s background, and is clearly a setup for a future meatier part in the Robin Hood story. In other words, Alan Rickman is still the king of that classic, scenery chewing role. ¬†He will never be topped. ¬†I went into this movie actively hating it and was pleasantly surprised that I was able to let go and enjoy it. Forget what these dick face blog critics are whining about and allow yourself to go and enjoy a really beautifully shot summer action flick. See a matinee if I haven‚Äôt sold you on it totally, but you should check it out at some point. ¬†Who knew that this would be only the second (mostly) positive review I‚Äôve ever given since the inception of this column?¬† I want to apologize to all of those who came in here expecting me to tear this film seven new assholes, and believe me I was primed to do just that.¬†¬† It just didn’t work out that way.

I’m out.

Alex Reymundo is one of those comics who really is a dime a dozen.  He’s billed as one of the Latin Kings of Comedy, but really all that means is he’s one of the more popular racist and homophobic asshole comedians who gets away with his jokes under the guise of  ‘telling it like it is.’  If you’re a comic whose jokes always end with, “right??” (or occasionally verdad in his case) then you are more than likely a half-wit who is relying on the easiest and lowest form of stand-up comedy possible.

Look, I’m certainly no stick in the mud when it comes to comedy.  I’m not some politically correct douche bag that can’t take a joke, and I’m not allergic to anything offensive.   It’d be easy for me to just tell you that these types of jokes  aren’t my thing, but that really isn’t the case.  You can do racial humor all you want, as long as your jokes are coming from the right place.  The best kind of racial humor is the kind that borders on, or extends beyond the absurd.  If your jokes are in on themselves, that’s the type of “racial joking” that I can live with.  I’m a fan of people like David Cross and Sarah Silverman who are experts at this technique.  Edgy humor is not telling the world how much gay people love to suck dick, nor is it reminding us all that Mexican folks love to eat tacos.  Verdad?

This is Alex Reymundo’s first filmed stand-up special, and in case you couldn’t tell by the title of it, One Funny Hick-Spanic,  he’s the Latino answer to Larry the Cable Guy.  That title and this revelation should be all most of you need to know and you’d just move along, shake your head and go on about your business.  I can see some of you possibly getting drunk some day, or perhaps being at the friends house who always has to show you whatever he or she thinks is funny, and ‘accidentally’ watching this shit.  This is your heads up should you find yourself in one of those situations.

Reymundo opens his special with a dramatized and condensed depiction of his life growing up and how he got where he is today as the king of bad beaner jokes.  It actually starts off innocently enough, until we see the scene in which his fake dramatized mother gives his fake dramatized father a blow-jay in order to convince him to move to America.  I have to give the guy props for being cool with actors playing his parents engaging in this kind of thing.  Clearly, he’s comfortable with the idea of his parents fucking.   This goes on for 3 or 4 minutes and is pretty much a Mexican version of a Benny Hill sketch.  You’re actually happy to see this asshole finally come out and perform.

Before Alex takes the stage though, he’s not introduced traditionally but is sort of played in by some redneck shredding on a guitar.  I’m not one to denounce a long-hair for playing some wicked hot licks on his gee-tar,but this was just screaming at me, warning me to turn this fucking thing off immediately.  Or it was one of the most unintentionally funny things ever, I can’t really decide.  Alex hits the stage, and we see that he’s clearly a Mexican man; he has long hair, blue jeans, and is obviously primed to fire off some jokes that only your drunk retarded cousin will laugh at.   What does he open with?  He opens with a solid 20 minutes of just straight up old school shitty beaner jokes.   I bet you’ve never heard a sexually suggestive Mexican themed riff on the old UPS slogan, ‘What can brown do you?” have you?  Yeah.  Oh, did you hear the one about Mexicans having large families?  Or maybe the one about all Mexicans drinking tequila?  It’s all here, ladies and gentlemen.   He also has a revelation about Pier 1 imports.  Originally he thought everything there was made in Taiwan but it turns out, it was actually made BY JUAN!  Isn’t that a funny, clever little bit he did there?  Motherfuck this asshole.

From there he effortlessly segues into the patented gay humor that so much of these dim motherfuckers are scarily good at. ¬†He reminds us all that there is no such thing as a gay man with bad skin. ¬†Why you ask? ¬†Because semen is like lotion, bitch! ¬†It‚Äôs good for the skin!! ¬†All gay people are into face frosting, you didn‚Äôt know that? ¬†Why aren’t you faggots laughing? ¬†Fags. ¬†Hey don‚Äôt look at me, I‚Äôm just paraphrasing what he‚Äôs already said in front of thousands of dumbasses. ¬†There was one gay joke that I have to print word for word here though because it‚Äôs so easy and so remarkably unfunny, here it is:

“Starbucks brings out the gay gene in people. ¬†If you ever hear me order a latte, do me in the ass that day!”

Now, if this guy is anything like Larry the Cable Guy or that other stain on the comedic mattress, Carlos Mencia, then his entire persona is horribly exaggerated or possibly totally made up.  Since this is most likely the case, he no doubt, like every other average American, orders a latte at Starbucks from time to time.  I can only hope that one of his fans takes him up on this when they see him in a Starbucks. “Hey, Alex!!!!  You’re here to get a latte, too?  Holy shit, dude!  You realize what this means, right?”  Now, does Alex Reymundo deserve anal rape by a crazed fan who took his joke too seriously?  Yeah, pretty much.

The show is thankfully only 59 minutes in length, and when he’s done with his racial and gay bits (he’s never really done, it just tapers off some) he devotes the rest of his set to telling us how much of a family man he is.  He also draws colorful pictures of his “hillbilly wife” and the rest of their inbred, hick family.  The majority of the final minutes of the show is really about how he loves his kids even though they’re eternal cockblockers and the hilarious fact that they mix and match English and Spanish because they’re half white.

This really was painful for me to watch.  I know I sound like some comedic elitist here, and I’m going to embrace that and explain for a moment.  It has taken decades for me to cultivate my taste in comedy.  It started with discovering Bill Hicks, and then really just never stopped.  I heard that guy and was like, “well, this guy just ripped the entire world a new asshole, was funny, AND made me think about it.”  From then on it kept growing.  I like comics like the aforementioned David Cross and Sarah Silverman, I like Patton Oswalt and Louis C.K.  You know, people who are funny with reckless abandon and also have some kind of filthy way to enrich and expand your mind a bit.

In short, never watch this.  Never accidentally watch it.  Just never.  Don’t.

*James doesn’t actually like this guy.¬† Don’t kill me, James.

To keep things real, how about we do this shit Jimmy Carter style?  Here’s a nice, cozy virtual fireplace on Youtube:

I think this virtual fireplace was also filmed on a rainy day as well, so there’s the added coziness of rumbling thunder in the background that you’ll hear in between the snaps, crackles and pops of the burning embers.  Please feel free to let this play while you read.  It’s soothing, releases tension and it’s not likely that you’ll burn down your house, place of employment or whichever crappy Starbucks you’re currently reading this in.  Ok then, got your fake fireplace buffered and roaring yet?  Good.  Yes, I am wearing a cardigan as well.  When I say let’s do this Carter style I mean business.  And now, on to the fake questions.

What exactly is it that compels you to watch bad movies?

I’m glad you asked that.  I’m sure most people who know me would tell you that I like to punish myself, and I suppose they’re mostly right, although I’m not sure what the source of it all is.   I guess what makes bad movies so appealing to me is just the invisible badge I get to wear for sitting through it and conquering it.  The invisible badge that really no one but me cares about.  I figure that if I can make it through a movie like Hollow Man 2: Holly’s Hollowed Hole, then I’m a slightly better person for it.  It’s the old, ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ thing, nothing terribly complicated.  So there, I am no masochist, I just believe in watching bad movies as a way to mentally toughen up.

If you need to buffer your Youtube vid for a second,  go ahead.  I can wait.  Youtube vids are pretty inconsistent no matter how manly your internet connection is so there is no shame in waiting.  If you aren’t playing the video in the background you’re missing out on some sweet relaxation here.  I’ve got it on right now and I almost feel like I could watch Southland Tales again.  Let’s continue.

Doesn’t watching all of these awful movies affect you personally?  I mean you wrote your review for Ace Ventura Pet Detective Jr. in the form of a suicide note for fuck’s sake.

Usually I can fend off any long term effects but there are occasions when a movie just sticks with me and I feel partially corrupted as a result. ¬†A good example would be Southland Tales, a movie that I swore I would never watch again. ¬†If I‚Äôm tired, or just generally cranky then that is either the best time to watch a movie for the Crawl Space or it‚Äôs the absolute worst time. ¬†It‚Äôs a crapshoot to be honest. ¬†Sometimes my irritable nature can bring out something really entertaining, and other times it can be really sad and depressing, leaving the reader to wonder whether or not I jumped out of my window. ¬†Fun Fact! ¬†I‚Äôm on a very low second floor and I most certainly would not perish were I to jump. ¬†It’d look pretty awesome though.

What was the worst movie you’ve reviewed so far and you can’t say Southland Tales.  By the way, SHUT UP ABOUT THAT MOVIE ALREADY!

Oohhhh, that’s a good one.  It’s also a really tough one.  Hollow Man 2:  Hollow There!  was really, really bad.  It was that special blend of bad where it doesn’t quite understand that it’s terrible, and plays it totally straight.  Movies that are not aware of how piss-poor they are generally win out for me.  Then again, there’s the exploding T-Rex from The Land that Time Forgot.  That’s the opposite kind of bad though, I mean only a complete asshole would assume that movie is anything but a total trash pile.  I can’t forget the insanity that was Blood Rayne as well.  Michael Madsen wearing a wig running around drunk on the set, killing vampires is tough to compete with.  You know what?  I can’t pick.

Do you ever plan on reviewing anything for the column that isn’t a movie?  Like, games, television, books, music?

Of course I do!  I’ve got a review for the videogame Rogue Warrior in the pipeline.  If you’re not familiar with Rogue Warrior, the game features former Navy Seal and  trashy poor man’s Tom Clancy author Dick Marcinko running around stabbing people and swearing a lot.  He’s voiced by Mickey Rourke.  Tell me that shit isn’t going to be terrible.  I’m also in the process of digesting a few awful albums that may or may not include Courtney Love’s band Hole.  She’s America’s favorite rock star murderer after all.

How much longer do you intend to keep up this fake interview?  I mean come on, how vain can a guy get?  Interviewing yourself?  Jesus.

I think we should really stick to Crawl Space related questions, and it sounds to me like someone’s a little grumpy.  Maybe you need to restart your Youtube fireplace.  But no, I promise I’ll wrap this up shortly.

Ok last question, and I think this one will clear a lot of things up for us as readers:  Do you have a girlfriend?

Low blow, imaginary interviewer who is really me.  Low.  Blow.

Well, that wraps up this week’s very strange edition of Adam’s Crawl Space.  For my hardcore readers out there, I’d like to issue a long overdue thanks for reading the column and for the continued support.  To my not-so-hardcore, casual readers, I’d like to say that I mostly appreciate the handful of reviews you’ve read.  To those that hate me and wish certain death upon me; I love you the most.  The Crawl Space goes back to it’s regular format next week, fear not.  And turn your fireplaces off………….now.

But I really fucking hate this movie.

In 2001, Richard Kelly was an independent film darling.  I loved him, you loved him, everyone loved this guy.  He gave us Donnie Darko, a brooding film that dealt with multiple dimensions, time travel and men in bunny suits.  He also introduced us properly to Jake Gyllenhaal.  October Sky isn’t a bad flick, but it doesn’t count.  Donnie Darko is what made Jake what he is.  Until Brokeback Mountain, it was tough for me to imagine him as anything but Donnie no matter what role I saw him in.  I’m already getting off track here, let’s regroup.  Kelly showed a lot of promise with Donnie Darko.  It’s the kind of movie that you build an entire career on, and Kelly has.

I was really jazzed when I heard Kelly was working on the follow up to Donnie Darko. ¬†I kept from reading all of the Ain’t It Cool articles that are always prone to giving too much away. ¬†I knew the title of his next movie, Southland Tales, and that was really all I wanted to know. ¬†I figured the guy to be a film genius (oh naivety) and wanted to be completely surprised with his new movie. ¬†Now I want to time travel a few years back and warn myself not to care so much about this guy‚Äôs new movie. ¬†Trouble is, I probably wouldn‚Äòt believe future me. ¬†I wouldn‚Äôt blame past me for not putting stock in what future me had to say either, future me has always been a somewhat shady and grumpy character. ¬†So, obviously, past me kept his hype-meter up. ¬†Wait, what tense am I in? ¬†Next paragraph.

Southland Tales is what happens when a writer/director shows a ton of promise, is showered with praise and then subsequently given the keys to the kingdom.  It is without a doubt the purest example in all of cinema in how not to craft a social and political commentary.  This is the Sodom and Gomorrah of film.   Southland Tales is the cinematic equivalent of M.C. Hammer’s mansion.  The bathrooms may be fitted with golden, diamond studded toilets, but in the end they’re only there for you to take a dump in.   Speaking of fecal deposits, there’s quite a bit of poop imagery in Southland Tales.  More on that later.

Now here’s where I’m going to tell you what this movie is about.  Well, before I do that, I should warn you that this review will drift in and out of spoiler territory.  Trouble is, I won’t know when I do that and neither will you because shit is just that incoherent and poorly conceived.  In other words scratch that spoiler warning, please read on and ready your palms to your face.  Alright, so some shit goes down on July 4th in 2005.  Nukes are dropped in Texas and the fallout, heh, is a massive panic and overhaul by the US government of the entire country.  The Patriot Act is in full effect, Government watchdog overlords, USIdent, are established and they do everything from regulate the internet to watch you drop a deuce.  Want to pull some cash out of an ATM?  Whip out that mandatory Ident card.  Gotta go number 2 in an airport bathroom?  They’ve got people watching you making sure you don’t have a bomb hidden in your ass.

During this mass hysteria, WWIII has also obviously broken out and due to our war with the middle east, our fuel supply is pretty much cut off.  Enter German company ‘Treer.’  If you really want to stay absolutely spoiler free, skip the rest of this paragraph.  I’m pretty sure what I’m about to lay out here is definitely spoilery.  Even if it is defiantly stupid, skip it if you don’t want the movie’s plot bent backwards and broken.  Ok, so Treer has designed an inexhaustible energy source called ‘Fluid Karma’ cultivated from ocean currents.  Treer’s generators that alter said currents have inadvertently slowed Earth’s rotation thus creating dimensional rifts at the various portable karma receivers.  Because of this we get two Stiflers and two The Rocks, one of whom is dead.

In LA, the movie follows intertwined stories of  amnesiac movie actor Boxer Santaros (The Rock), porn star Krysta Now (Sarah Michelle Geller) and twins Roland and Ronald Taverner (Stifler).  They’re all involved in the fate of mankind and…I’m actually boring myself typing it out here.  Boxer Santaros is what a 10 year old would name his shitty comic book character that he’ll never get around to actually drawing or writing.  Say it aloud.  Go on.  BOXER.  SANTAROS.  Oh, and there’s also this neo-Marxist group running around wreaking havoc on the politicians and consist of the likes of Nora Dunn, Cheri Oteri and Amy Poehler.  Huh?  You can’t tell me this movie wasn’t trying to be funny because with this kind of casting it surely was.  Total piss.

The real problem with Kelly’s movie is that he is convinced he’s created something deep and profound when in reality it’s just a huge mess of ideas.  If you were to see segments of this movie, if it were to be broken into pieces, you might actually enjoy some of it.  Hell, it might even appear to be funny or satirical.  Unfortunately, the movie is not delivered in little chunks and it’s more like a bunch of silly amateurish YouTube videos glued together in the most pretentious fashion and forced into your waiting, puckered anus.

I get what Kelly tried to do here.  He wanted to deliver scathing social and political commentary, wrapped up in this neat-o sci-fi package.  Where he failed is in how he told his story.  He wanted to point out all of the things troubling us, like terrorism, corrupt politicians, alternative fuel and how Hollywood has permeated our society.  The lack of subtlety kills everything.  Kelly jackhammers us all repeatedly with these various themes and takes things so over-the-top that you’re left laughing at the movie’s absurdity instead of rubbing your chin and thinking “hmmm.”  I’m sure some will argue that the extreme nature of Kelly’s approach is ‘kind of the point’ and to that I would say that we’ve already seen plenty of movies that have dealt with these subjects much better and many times over.  No one ever needed to see Cheri Oteri leading a neo-marxist group, and I really do hope she dies in the most horrible of fires.  Seriously, forget what I said earlier.  I mean that.  Cheri if you’re reading this, I’ll bring the gasoline and the matches.  All you have to do is show up.  Let’s do this.

There are, however, some things to like in this movie. ¬†The line, ‚ÄúIF YOU DON’T LET ME SUCK YOUR DICK, I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF,‚Äù is a particular favorite of mine. ¬†I‚Äôm not even going to put that in context because you know what? ¬†It doesn‚Äôt need to be. ¬†Just know that if The Rock didn‚Äôt let this girl suck his dick she was going to off herself. ¬†POWERFUL STUFF, RICHARD. ¬†Another batshit nuts inclusion would be all the poop imagery I mentioned earlier. ¬†The neo-marxist HQ is home to a giant toilet. ¬†Tons of references to ‚Äòshit hitting the fan‚Äô and talk about bowel movements in general are strewn throughout. ¬†USIdent sits around watching people shit all day. ¬†Hell, a club on Venice Beach where a few of our characters interact is even called The Poop Deck. ¬† The only thing I can gather from all of this is that Richard Kelly is really into shizer porn. ¬† Clearly, the man loves his poop. ¬†There’s also a scene in which Treer previews an advertisement for a Fluid Karma powered vehicle. ¬†The ad involves the karma powered vehicle pretty much raping another automobile, penetrating what appears to be it’s chrome vagina. ¬†There‚Äôs also a musical number involving an extremely high Justin Timberlake (yes him) in an arcade. ¬†With smoke machines. ¬†God save us all.

The acting ranges from junior high theater to, well, just slightly better than that.  All of the characters speak to each other like they know something that no one else does.  Again, this plays into Kelly believing he has a product that is deep on some level, or interesting at all.  The direction and cinematography is where this thing really pushes the meaning of excess in film making to a new level though.  Everything in this movie is grossly overdone and grandiose.  I’m positive this movie is being broken down in film schools everywhere showing students what not to do, and most likely preempts a lecture about how to not be a douchebag pretentious filmmaker.

Southland Tales runs a bit too long.  About 145 minutes too long to be exact.  Which is why, this review is so god damn long.  I had to suffer (again) through this tripe and this was the only way to make you all suffer along with me.  If you made it this far, then I applaud you.  After seeing Southland Tales the first time, I was heartbroken.  How could a guy with so much potential choose to make something as dull and self-important as this?  And what did he do after this?  He got my hopes up again with The Box which is once again an interesting concept blown to pieces by a convoluted story and hackneyed direction.

I can already tell you‚Äôre going to watch this movie. ¬†I don‚Äôt blame you. ¬†There‚Äôs enough crazy delusional shit going on in Southland Tales to peak interest. ¬†Just don‚Äôt come crying to me because I‚Äôve given you fair warning. ¬†There are also a million and one things I’ve left out of the review because either I just didn’t have time for them, or they slipped my mind during the breaks I took to vomit. I believe this to be one of the ten worst movies ever made, with every fiber of my being. ¬†Richard Kelly, I desperately want to strangle you with piano wire.

God I hate this fucking movie.

Also, Skate or Die guy is in this movie.  Check it out!

What else is there really to say about The Land that Time Forgot?  It’s completely mindless, it’s nonsensical and only an idiot would find anything to entertain in this miserably dumb chunk of wasted film.  This is probably the first Crawl Space review in which I didn’t secretly enjoy how bad it was.  That’s right; my suicide note for Ace Ventura Jr. was totally premature.  I can’t go back and redo that gag though, so here I am barely alive to tell the tale of The Land that Time Forgot.

C. Thomas Howell, who you may remember from such 80s classics as Soul Man and Side Out, stars and directs this laughable direct-to-video trash heap and for the love of God I am being polite when I call it that.  I contemplated cheating a bit here and cracking open my virtual thesaurus to give you all a sense of how many shades of stupid this flick is, but I’m going to stand tall and deliver this review like a man.

Dumb.  Fucking Dumb.  Idiotic.  Moronic.  WASTE OF TIME.

Did I expect anything less?  Not really, but damn if this movie didn’t blow the doors off of anything bad I’ve seen recently.  Here’s the plot in a nutshell: A group of spoiled rich dickheads are out on a boat in the middle of the ocean, presumably on their way to Puerto Rico.  Less than two minutes in the captain and his muscle-bound hunky first mate spot a portal that has opened over the sea.   Mere seconds after the ‘golly-gee what the hell is that’ wears off, they all wake up and it’s off to the random island in front of them!

The muscle-jock guy?¬† Yeah he‚Äôs Pterodactyl food in the first 10 minutes of the movie’s runtime.¬† Moving on.¬† So these jerks run around the island and bump into cartoon Sexy Rexy.¬† After another 15 minutes of running around like idiots, they realize they‚Äôre not the only dumbasses that got stuck on this time warp Land of the Lost rip-off.¬† There‚Äôs also a group of German soldiers from a U-boat.¬† Well, thankfully our original asshole group came prepared with a boat captain who knows how to distill petroleum (which is native to the island of course) and produce gasoline.¬† That‚Äôs right, they‚Äôre going to get make enough of this shit to power a submarine.¬† Don‚Äôt roll your eyes yet, I‚Äôm not through…

Did I mention that some other island hobos made off with the original boat the yuppie morons came in on?¬† Well I just did.¬† So captain what’s-his-face makes this elaborate contraption using materials from I don‚Äôt know where, to make some gas.¬† He teaches the Germans (including their leader who looks and sounds like John Malkovich) how to operate it and they‚Äôre in business!¬† Only problem is, that big animated dinosaur keeps getting in the way, and the only way to make any progress is to lure it to the beach and fire a torpedo from the sub.¬† The plan is almost successful, but the torpedo misses.¬† Good thing one of the poor saps that were luring him out to the beach was packing a grenade.¬† T-Rex eats the guy, swallows the grenade and explodes.

Now you can roll your eyes.  Harder.  HARDER.  Ok not that hard, you’ll hurt yourself.

Eventually most of the assholes make it off the island in the sub that runs on primitive gasoline, but woops, they left behind C. Thomas Howell!  He was too busy trying to distract the SECOND T-Rex that had appeared.  His wife realizes he’s about to be left all alone in Dimension X so she hops off the sub to accompany him and start a family.  By the end she’s pregnant, ready to propagate the species again and he spends his time writing messages in a bottle.  Go ahead and roll those eyes again.

The story is absent and the directing is shockingly bad, even for a movie like this that you know is going to be sub-par.  There were plenty of moments in this movie that I honestly expected the actors to disrobe and start fucking each other.  It is porn level bad; it’s amazing.

Sound good to you?  I dare you to sit through this alone and not want to drown yourself in your bathtub by the 10 minute mark.  One thing I did think about while watching this though is the complete ease in which people construct torches in movies.  I wonder what it really takes to make a decent torch.  Are there torch-making classes that I can take?   This is one skill in life that I think should definitely make a comeback.  How badass would it be if the power goes out and while your family sits around lighting candles and digging out the flashlight you’re outside tearing a limb from a tree ready to throw together the manliest of all luminary devices?  Sure it might scare your little ones to wave around a flaming piece of wood but how else are you supposed to see what you’re doing when you’re trying to build your fucking coconut radio?

There you have it, that’s The Land that Time Forgot.  I apologize to you all if I seem angry or perhaps a little scary but I don’t know what else you can expect to read when I’ve witnessed something as horrible as this.  You know what?  Never mind.  I’m not sorry, not at all.   I liked it.  I liked the shit out of this.  I’m going to go watch it again right now.  Right after I get done with this torch.