I like to think I provide a service to the Breach faithful. I like to think that. Do I actually believe that? No, not really. I mean, most of the garbage I decide to dive into you folks wouldn’t even get close enough to sniff. Still, I feel weirdly compelled to continue on and [...]
At first I was just going to pretend that I hadn’t taken any time off of the column and this was yet another weekly installment.   I didn’t want to really make a big deal about the gaping hole that fills the space between the last Crawl Space and this one.   But shortly after entertaining this [...]
Before I officially start up this review, I just wanted to take note of all the eye-rolling that must be going on right now.  You probably saw the review pop up on your facebook or twitter feed and you’re like, “Aww man what the fuck?”.  But you clicked on it anyway and now here you [...]
This review is for all of you out there that can’t spell or are just blatantly unobservant human beings.  From the willfully ignorant to the unsuspecting simpletons, this is for you. Transmorphers: Fall of Man is part of a family of copycat films, or ‘mockbusters.’  These films are designed in hopes of catching the one [...]
Deciding to watch Rescue Me was born out of curiosity and boredom. You know how it is these days. Most of us have access to Netflix and it’s glorious instant streaming service, and when you combine that with having a little too much time on your hands and a constant drive to seek out entertainment, [...]
Whoa boy.  Before I begin, let me sit down and tend to this heaping bowl of crow.  Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood is not even close to as bad as you’ve been told that it is.  Maybe that’s why I kind of liked it?  I went into this movie expecting nothing short of a complete cinematic [...]
I‚Äôd like to preface this by saying that this stand-up special consistently pops up in Netflix‚Äôs ‚ÄòLocal Favorites‚Äô section. ¬†I live in San Antonio, TX, so I suppose this makes sense. ¬†I’d also like to point out that any references to gay or racial slurs found in the review are merely to point out the [...]
I’m going to level with you guys, I needed a week off of the Crawl Space.  I’ve done 13 straight weeks of terrible movies.  Well, 12 straight weeks because I can’t count 17 Again as shitty.  I still think Zac Efron is dreamy and my opinion of that movie hasn’t changed.  So this week I’m [...]
Unfortunately, I am going to be mean in this post.  You could also consider portions of the following review of Richard Kelly’s Southland Tales to be borderline hateful.  It’s what I do though, I take movies that I feel should be wiped from the planet (so far with only one exception) and give them a [...]
Have you ever wanted to see a cartoon dinosaur that is supposed to be interacting with live actors ingest a grenade and explode?  Check the pic right here to your right then.  There, I saved you the time.  Thanks for reading, I’ll see you next week! What else is there really to say about The [...]
Not since The Boondock Saints has a movie wanted to be so cool and failed so hard.  Deuces Wild should have been a pretty interesting movie, but sadly it falls short on everything it attempts to accomplish.  The story is vanilla, the characters are boring exaggerations of how real people act and the stylistic choices [...]
Before I get started, I’d like to go ahead and confirm that there are Kristanna Loken breasts bared in this.  If that’s all you were here to find out, then there ya go.  Go on then. Uwe Boll has committed some of the worst atrocities in modern cinema.  He’s responsible for House of the Dead, [...]
Bingo is the smartest dog in the world.  In the opening of the movie he’s “employed” by a traveling circus and runs various errands for his handlers, who are of course complete jerks.  When one of the show dogs is injured, they have no choice but to insert Bingo in the starting line-up.  All Bingo [...]
As I stared at the cover art to this movie, drinking in the big grin on Shaq’s huge face, I kind of felt like the 2004 version of Karl Malone. Here was Shaq, seemingly promising me the world. It’s as if he was saying, come on Adam, I’ve got a great movie for you to watch, and we can win it all. But I knew better. I knew what the Mailman didn’t. I knew that there was nothing but disappointment behind the cover to this evil little film. There was no glory, no banner, no ring- nothing. I figured I had two options. I could either not watch it and retain what dignity I had left as a man; as a human being. Or, I could piss on the entire state of Utah and be greedy. I was greedy. I watched it anyway. I thought I could pull a patented Malone move and pull the chair on Kazaam. But in the end, like Karl I am left humiliated, still ringless and feeling like a big fat moron.
Read the rest after the jump.
I‚Äôd like to start off by saying thanks to Desiree for last week‚Äôs Crawl Space recommendation of Beer for My Horses. I had intended on mentioning that in the review last week, but let it slip by.¬† So thanks a lot for suggesting I sit through that shit, Desiree. I know what you’re thinking, “Adam [...]
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