the gang

it’s been awhile since i’ve taken on a superhero flick here on the breach. i passed on thor and cap and hulk and lantern and whatever else might have popped up in there that i’m leaving out. not enough DC i say. but the last time i was here talking about men with super-suits or x-ray specs, i played naysayer to the worst sequel this side of Back to the Future 2. but it’s been a long time since then. and since dc is giving us … green lantern (sigh), marvel has been running rings around hollywood. in the interest of full disclosure, i’m a full on DC guy, and i’ll take the Trinity over ANY group, ANY day. still, iron man was awesome. captain america was pretty good. those 2 hulk movies were ok. and thor was … well … important to the avengers story at least.

lolz!

so here it is! all this time in the making. all the sitting through the end credits to see all the sam jackson cameos – all the press releases – all the shoe-horning of scarlett and renner into movies where they didn’t belong is finally over, and the end game is at hand. and while it might’ve been hard to see the point while you were sitting through the end of iron-man 2 or the parts of thor sans idris elba, much like a child doesn’t understand the use of piano lessons, you are now grown, and when you sit and tickle the ivory, the foxy chicks abound, and you thank god for every single lesson.

where did this analogy come from?

ok, so fudge all that. that doesn’t make any sense. here’s what makes sense: The Avengers is an awesome damn movie. i wouldn’t say i was walking into the theater expecting to hate this flick, but it would be equally unfair to say i just had a few doubts. sure i liked the buffy tv show when i was in high school, but it’s on instant now, and lemme tell you, it’s DATED YO. i DO love Firefly. it’s great. one of the truly great tv shows to come around ever. but dollhouse left no impression on me, dr. horrible’s sing-along blog was, as kindly as i can say, not for me, and i absolutely Hated (capital ‘H’ over there <—-) cabin in the woods. and it’s been getting easier and easier for me to say whedon was a flash in the pan. he caught lightning in a bottle with Firefly. but now?

zing!

so it’s easy to go all hyperbolic with a movie like this. it’s big-budget. its cast is LOADED with acting talent (ruffalo and hiddleston topping my list). and it managed the impossible by not becoming the train wreck i expected. and as far as hyperbole – i had an absolute BLAST watching this in the theater. i was laughing and rocking back and forth in my seat the same way i did when i was a little kid watching jurassic park in the theater all four times. it felt like watching terminator 2. and the matrix. while it’s not the technical marvel that those 3 movies were, The Avengers immediately jumps into the mix of my favorite action movies i’ve ever seen. hyperbole? *shrug*

but if you’re looking for details, take a hike. this isn’t a review, it’s a recommendation, and i’m not spilling any beans. ok maybe one or two beans. thor becomes in this movie what he should have been allowed to become in his OWN damn movie. and hulk? hulk smashes.

in the end, i think joss earned a TON of credit for this movie. he’s earned the budget for whatever he wants to do next. and he’s earned my apologies. this man is no flash in the pan. in fact, despite his relative early success and faithful fan-base, this might just be the beginning.

boss whedon

what’s the explanation? i figure it’s that in the world of the internet, we aren’t separated by time or distance, so much as we are the next link. while you click around a bit – on my name, the history, the sleeper cell tab, or whatever you click, i’m really just a couple pixels away. words that i typed out 2 years ago, right there – just inches from your cursor.

in which case, you can imagine your entire life as one giant semi-formal dinner. you’re milling around, drinking gallons and gallons of accumulated tequila, you’re roaming from guest to guest looking to step into an interesting conversation, and evey once in a while, you amble over to my lil corner of existence to overhear whatever my decades-long conversation with the wall is about. and today, it happens to be the film adaptation of suzanne collins’ wildly successful young adult sci-fi novel, the hunger games. how ya been?

so i think, first off, it’s important i say that this isn’t a bad movie. actually, it’s better than Not Bad. this movie is actually kinda good. it’s important to say, firstish off, this is a pretty good – no wait, kinda good – this movie’s pretty darn good. i just didn’t like it all that much. which is ok! there are tons of movies out there that are pretty good but that i don’t like.

the one i always use to make the clearest point is THE WIZARD OF OZ. great movie. i don’t like it. my dad assures me that as a child, i LOVED it. i’ll take his word for it. but, in my defense, i also shat my pants a lot back then. we all grow.

besides, watch WoZ again. trust me, it’s not that great. so, granted, it’s not the best example. ANIMAL HOUSE? maybe another bad example – i’m not sure how well fans of that movie can read. how about THE GODFATHER? i’m sure most people who’ve seen the godfather have liked it. i’d say i might be in that group too if i could actually sit through the that self-indulgent, artsy-fartsy piece of 9 hour over-romantic, gangland nonsense. ok. lemme back up. i don’t want to start a fight. like i said, i haven’t even really seen that piece of crap yet. so to all you retards who like that movie, “i apologize.”

and really, there are TONS of bad movies out there! and how many GOOD movies can you think of? even if you bought all the movies you’ve ever even slightly liked, how many would you have? a thousand? two? out of the tens of thousands of movies out there? honestly, if you’re ever actually watching a movie, the odds are good that you’re watching a pretty bad movie. it’s a numbers game.

TOP 5 “GREAT” MOVIES ZACK HATES (the-c’mon-really?-he’s-seriously-still-doing-haikus haiku edition)

nothing's free, charlie

5 – it seems there’s also
no laughing in the war room,
gentlemen. Strangelove

4 – if their government
was this aimless, they’d be screwed…
oh wait. Amarcord

3 – honestly, i can’t
remember anything not
chariots. Ben Hur

2 – we dog singer’s dad
issues, but let pete jackson
off the hook? ALL THREE.

1 – rich shut-in loves kids?
wonka’s choco-factory
packs charlie’s fudge.

alright – i’ve decided there’s simply no way for me to address this movie without giving a few things away. and really, the few plot points i feel i need to mention are so monumentally obvious that if you consider it a “spoiler,” it’s either because you’re completely in the dark about the HUNGER GAMES TRILOGY by suzanne collins, or you have horrific critical thinking skills. if by chance you fall into either of those categories, read on at your own peril.

there’s nothing really BAD about this flick, unless you count pacing, it’s just that, well, it’s one of those that starts, entertains you for a couple hours, and then ends. it does have one standout scene, which i guess is more than most movies give you, but trust me, if you’ve seen the movie, it’s not the one you’re thinking i’m thinking. if you know the story at all, and odds are good you do, then you prolly know what’s gonna happen. it’s not super-suspensful. i’m sure that upon its release, readers of the book were hanging on every chapter wondering what would happen. but for those late to the trilogy (like m’self), it’s kinda hard to not know what’s around every corner. mainly ’cause, well, there’s a sequel. and that feeds into my major beef with this movie.

there’s little to no danger at all. and certainly no hunger. not to be THAT guy, but the book explains a few things which are left out here. first off, it’s called “the hunger games” for a reason – mainly, the 24 kids (i’d totally explain this, but there’s virtually ZERO chance that anyone reading this doesn’t know what’s going on here – however, if you happen to not know the story or what 24 kids have to do with the movie, ask down in the comments section so we can all laugh at you) have to stay in the arena until there is only one competitor left alive. which, given the size of the arena, could take awhile. but there’s never any sense that food will be hard to find.

what a cow

 CASTING NOTE
there was a bit of hubbub when jennifer lawrence was cast as the lead, katniss everdeen. mainly because she was a little too round. or pudgy. basically, she’s a giant fatass. obviously.

the character katniss is supposed to be on the verge of starvation throughout just about the entire novel. and lawrence is so totally does not have the deathcamp look. [and hey, if you're one of the people who hated on jennifer lawrence because she was too pretty, then you're prolly one of the same losers who hated on sam worthington for his hair in clash of the titans. scumbag.] so, it’s really too bad that while you’re trying to enjoy this movie, you’ll be forced to look at a beautiful young woman. i don’t know how these producers sleep at night.

but other than woody harrelson SAYING, “hey bros, find some water, ’cause you’re gonna be thirsty ‘n’ stuff,*” you have no idea that starvation is supposed to be a problem. [*not actual film dialogue]

and really, i’m getting rambly and long-winded again. the problem is danger. there’s no danger. could katniss die? nah. will she find food and water. why wouldn’t she? holy cow that firestorm almost slightly singed her hair! whew. close call.

other casting controversey?
spoiler alert #2: black actors were hired to play black characters.
this sweet little gal, Amandla Stenberg, plays Rue.

power

the name doesn’t give much away. i guess, if you were french, you could imagine someone french. or if you were american, maybe a cajun. still not quite definitive. so, where to look for some kind of physical description…. the text? no. that’s silly. why would an author ever actually DESCRIBE a character? hm. where else? oh what the hell. let’s check the text!

stick to the text, dude

now i don’t know about you, but that just SCREAMS elle fanning at me. and because it bears mentioning, Thresh, the other black competitor, is described as such: “He has the same dark brown skin and golden brown eyes as Rue.” and in fairness to the setting of the story, suzanne collins is obviously trying to create a multi-racial future where it’d be hard to find ANYone who you could describe with such a limiting phrase as african-american or caucasian. this is a world where all the races are mixing – we don’t all look chinese YET, but it’s a lot closer that we are now. and if you were imagining rue and thresh as cute, typical, little whities, because you just skimmed the direct description, that’s fine. people make mistakes. i finally read wuthering heights a few months back, and i still have no idea which linton was married to which cathy or catherine or someone was name earnshaw. fudge it.  i don’t blame you.

(regarding lenny kravitz? i’m really hoping it’s just because mos def had scheduling conflicts.)

and i know, i know. this has all been hashed out in the media ad-nauseum. i’m really only including it here to say that if you were pissed about being forced to actually give a shit about black characters, please, FUCK. OFF. fuck off, and don’t ever come back.

and really, even though i like lawrence in the role, it might only have been because she’s the only actor of the on-screen kiddies who realizes she’s in a major motion picture, and not a local high school one-act UIL meet. but this isn’t the first science fiction flick to ever ask its audience to suspend their disbelief. and it won’t be the last. even this year!

so would you believe i like it? ’cause i do. but i’m a liar. so watch it. in the theater no less – it’s a good crowd experience. still, in the overall scheme of things, i’d say it doesn’t get done what it wants to get done as much as Woman in Black. and really, if you’re looking for an awesome time in the theater with ridiculous action and morals so secondary they might as well not even be there, check out Wrath of the Titans!

woo!

Danny Rad

so i waited about a month or so (prolly longer) to actually go see this movie. and then i waited about a month to write the review. and then i guess another month to finally post it here. so whatevs. in any case, this’ll be going up right around the time this movie comes out on home video.

ok. i wanted to start with a bad joke about the woman in black not actually being a ghost, but in fact an early 20th century alien intermediary with tommy lee jones, and they flashy-thinged harry potter into thinking it was a haunted house, but it was a horrible joke, and i probably should have just cut all mention of it out of this intro. so, consider all that cut. where to start with a movie that i don’t hate. right there i guess, yeh? i didn’t hate this movie. there you have it. did you even know this movie was out? after harry potter 7.1 and 7.2 made more money than the u.s. government is going to spend on clean energy r&d, the star of those 2 movies goes on to make a spooky british ghost story, and no one gives a shit. i mean sure, harry potter was fun, but what have you done for me lately danny-boy?

basically: radcliffe (equus) is a youngster in his lawyery, real estatey, businessy firm. his wife died in childbirth delivering his lil boy (4 years ago maybe?), and under penalty of employment termination, must go to a spooky english estate to cross t’s and dot i’s and take care of a ridiculous amount of paperwork (radcliffe, not his dead wife). it’s a fair setup for isolation that doesn’t feel at all forced or goofy. i just re-watched PANDORUM over the weekend, and i have to say, the old tricks are the best tricks. the greatest triggers for queueing up fear in the minds of an audience are usually those things which all people find frightening. waking up alone and not knowing where you are is scary. your boss threatening to fire you is scary. getting lost in the woods is scary. these are simple story-starters that make people uneasy. you don’t need to have the cat jump out at you to the blare of french horns when the audience is already spooked (not that WOMAN IN BLACK doesn’t do that – except with a bird). and while i had a blast with movies like INSIDIOUS and SILENT HILL, sometimes we try to out-clever ourselves in an effort to find some NEW ways to get creeped out. so while WIB is nowhere near as good as either of those movies, it’s premise is enough to confuse me into liking this movie more than i should. i think. or maybe i DISlike it more than i should, and it’s actually pretty good. either way, i half-like and half-dislike just about everthing going on here.

Hammertime

the kooky townsfolk of little towntingtonshire (or whatever the village was called) is a callback to a great horror trope of insider vs. outsider – it sets up the whole “you just don’t understand,” motif of small-town-with-a-secret which is used to great effect in great horror films such as VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, and just about every story stephen king has ever written. it’s even part of the backdrop of DRACULA and JAWS. it’s only problematic here because the acting of the townsfolk isn’t much better than it was in VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED or DRACULA. but even that is almost forgivable, because the film sets itself up from the very first few seconds to be a melodrama. when the production company logos are fading on and off the screen before the opening credits, and the logo pops up for HAMMER FILMS, it brings certain expectations with it. if you’ve seen any of the “great” christopher lee dracula films, you know you’re going to get bright, SUSPIRIA-red blood, a hero running towards the noise, no character (no matter how adorably insane they treat their puppies) will be safe, and there will probably way too much footage of the monster (there should also probably be a nice boob scene – sadly, WIB eschews the boobies). these movies are about tone and suspense, and not necessarily the big scare. of course, that was then, this is now, and nothing stays true forever. expect changes.

but in the end the costumes and set designs are super awesome! the house is big and spooky and has wonderfully dark rooms and over the top wind-up toys in the nursery – spot on! but the make-up is atrocious. i’m not sure if it was a continuity issue, or director james watkins just doesn’t think five o’clock shadows are becoming, but … let me explain: every time radcliffe is on camera, he looks terrible. as well he should! he’s overworked, overtired, overstressed and living in a goddam haunted house. the dude’s gonna be a little disheveled. at least until the script calls for a close-up. then, all of a sudden, his hair is fixed straighter than eddie munster, his beard is airbrushed more than a southside lowrider and he’s cleaner than something you would imagine to be really really clean.

Jane Longstocking

i initially went to see this movie because it was written by jane goldman (writer/co-writer of 2 of my favorites: KICK-ASS and STARDUST – both, incidentally, directed by matthew vaughan), but here, there’s almost no dialogue! the music is good. no complaints. and while the story is good and intriguing, there are points that make zero sense. i don’t want to get all spoilery, since i DO recommend seeing this flick, but at a climactic point in the movie, 2 of the major characters are split up by ghostly shenanigans, and you think, oh shit, someone’s gonna buy a farm, and then a corner is turned, a scary face appears to much nazgul-inspired shreiking and then we cut. which is good. steven speilberg told me it’s what you DON’T see that’s scary. but then later, we revisit said character, and he’s fine. and he’s like, “oops. we got separated. teehee!*” [*not actual movie dialogue]

and then harry is almost drowning in a swamp and then harry sees a ghost and then harry performs a burial and then harry sees his son and then the movie ends. and i’m like, wait. what? this movie’s closing credits are longer than the 3rd act. which isn’t really fair to the viewer – the plot is fair, and the conclusion is fair, but the speed at which they’re presented feels like spending a decade rebuilding a classic car from scratch, making sure you’ve got all original parts in mint condition, and then you’ve finally tightened every single bolt, and it purrs like a kitten, but then you paint it by tossing buckets of glidden at it.

but i’m not really into cars. so we’ll say it’s like painting a portrait, and you’ve just spent months making sure the eyes look just right, they look just like the eyes of lisa gherardini, they sparkle in the iris like they’re looking right at you, and her hair has a perfect part right down the middle and her nose is, well, it’s not a sexy nose, but it looks true to life, and then you take your 2-inch sable, dip it in the black, and slap a big fat parabola where her mouth should be.

but i don’t paint either. so we’ll say it’s like crafting a good horror movie, giving your audience 80 minutes of taut, tense, classic, gothic horror and then sprinting as fast as possible to the denouement and rolling the credits. yeah. kinda like that. still, after all that, STILL, i recommend. especially if you’re just gonna netflix it. if for nothing else than to convince yourself that little danny rad can be something other than the boy who lived.

written, directed, edited by Mike Cahill

so i went into this movie in my absolute favorite way – i’d read the premise in TOTAL FILM a while back, and then heard nothing else about it until the day before it released. which isn’t my favorite – this isn’t a treatise on film promotion or advertising or anything – i love me some summer blockbuster hype – what was my favorite was that i LIKED the premise, and not knowing ANYthing else. coulda been foreign or american, coulda been sci-fi or horror (or neither), coulda been anything is the point. i’m a blank slate going in and (oh hang on, TOTAL RECALL just started on syfy and i wanna see when arnold’s face shield cracks … done. awesome) i’ve got no snobby preconceptions about the actors or director or whatever. turns out not MUCH of that would matter, ’cause the only “known” actor in the flick is william mapother. yep, THAT william mapother. which isn’t a dig. the guy’s a good actor, but when your most memorable credits on your resume are “clubgoer” and “hotel clerk,” it can be hard to break out of tv acting. mapother also starred in the 2008 horror flick THE BURROWERS (also starring clancy brown and the uber-creepy doug hutchison (doug hutchison is the weirdo who plays eugene tooms in the X-FILES episodes “tooms” and “sqeeze.” gross i know, and of course percy wetmore in GREEN MILE and some bit part in CON AIR. whatevs) – of course, more recently ol’ dougie was in the news ’cause he’s gettin it on with 16-year-old (currently 17-year-old) courtney stodden (she’s a singer? or something?) – parental consent is a godsend. he claims they were brought together by a “higher power.” and maybe they were. maybe god wants him to be with this girl and i’m just a jerk. who can say?), which is a criminally underrated movie and more than worth a viewing.

god is responsible for SOME of it i guess

so what i read in TOTAL FILM basically boiled down to: the people on earth discover there’s another earth. what would you give to start over?

vague. at best. but it sounded cool, and i’m really hoping for some great sci-fi in 2011. this year will go down as the year of the pretty-good-superhero-movie, but with duncan jones’ SOURCE CODE, pedro almodovar’s forthcoming THE SKIN I LIVE IN, and THE PREPOSITIONAL PHRASE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, 2011 probably SHOULD go down as a sci-fi revival. now add to the mix ANOTHER EARTH. and if all you need to get you in the theater is the premise, i’d warn you to not read too far ahead.

first off, be warned that this isn’t indie sci-fi like MOON or DISTRICT 9 or even PRIMER or CUBE. it’s more like CONTACT without all the money. this is a story about the people and not the aliens. it’s all about life on earth. so if you need the big payoff – if you need wil smith punching aliens in the face (which might’ve made this movie even better), i feel you – i know where you’re coming from. and i wouldn’t blame you for skipping this one.

Brit Marling as Rhoda Williams

so picture rhoda. here, i’ll do it for you. rhoda (brit marling (also credited as this film’s co-writer) directed the 2004 documentary BOXERS AND BALLERINAS – she also had a guest spot in an episode of COMMUNITY. which i guess i missed. ’cause trust me, this girl ain’t goin nowhere. she’s got the skills, and (aside from a subtly creepy resemblence to michael cera when she smiles) has superstar good looks) is 17 and has just been accepted to MIT. she’s into astronomy, and she’s brilliant. and on a drive home from a celebratory party, she hears on the radio the silky smooth voice of dj flava (appearing as himself in the film) on the radio saying that scientists have annouced they have discovered another planet in our solar system. it’s headed our way, and it appears to be an exact duplicate of the planet earth. the continents are shaped the same, the oceans, the everything. and if you look up in the night sky right now, you can see it – a pale blue dot against the darkness. rhoda looks up and bring on the plot device! cut to a family in a car. a man named john. john’s pregnant wife. john’s little boy. we get just enough of their happy interaction to see that they’re as close to perfect as northeast american families can get before the car crash we all know is going to happen happens. we get a few seconds of aftermath, the father is alive, the others aren’t, sirens, a few quick cuts of prison and then a blackout and FOUR YEARS LATER.

and then, of course, there are the nitpicky sciencey problems. aside from fate and religion and all that which would be an incomprehensible nightmare (which the film doesn’t explore, ’cause it doesn’t NEED to, ’cause none of the characters are so inclined), it does stick out a bit that we’ve never SEEN this planet before. and viking never saw it and voyager and on and on. but that’s ok – there’s a running dialogue throughout the film played through television interviews with an “expert” and he gives us some story about planetary opposition and maybe it was on the opposite side of the sun and ok, sure that sounds real enough. of course, if their orbit sped up so that now we’re seeing each other, wouldn’t that have dire consequences for earth 2? not to mention that the earth isn’t THAT big. big picture speaking. i mean, what’s a few septillion kilograms between friends? but if it’s really getting close enough so that you can see continents, well hell, wouldn’t most of the planet be swallowed up by tidal waves? eh. foo on all that. like a few people told me in 2010, if you’re going to get caught up on all the plotholes, you could hate EVERY movie.

fatty

and four years later, rhoda is out, back living at home, and dealing with life as a felon. she gets a job that allows her to not use her brain and spends most of her time thinking about how sorry she is. toss into the mix that a supercool billionaire richard-branson-type is offering seats on a rocket to VISIT earth 2, and all you have to do is submit your essay on why it should be YOU. all this is where the movie lives. if you’re going to have an indie movie success, you either need an AWEsome script, a SUPERcool idea, or a GREAT actor. ANOTHER EARTH‘s script ain’t bad, but it’s not awesome, and the idea is old sci-fi hat, but dammit if brit marling doesn’t save the day. the characters around her (mother, father, brother) are fair and feel real. the only beef i have with the characters is rhoda’s boss. he’s an aging indian (INDIA indian) and provides her with a line or 2 of hindi wisdom, and instead of really being developed and giving us a kind of foil for rhoda, he’s relegated to plot device, and doesn’t have the impact he should.

msrp: 1 indie movie

i’m not a filmmaker. i’ve never written a screenplay or even been on the set of a filming movie. but because i have a computer, i’ll start doling out advice! to all indie filmmakers: spend the money on a composer. i figure if you’re making a movie this small ($200K budget is cheaper than a benz), odds are you’re not only writing and directing and editing but also drawing the posters, sewing the wardrobe and getting your own coffee. so what if your budget is small – build your set out of unpainted cardboard boxes – you must GET GOOD MUSIC. this is an indie flick, but there is no faux-home-spun guitary forgetfulness – the music is done by FALL ON YOUR SWORD (and they have a piano!), and it’s not bad, but if it were good, it would be a must see. watch A LIFE LESS ORDINARY again. it’s one of my favorites, and it’s silly, and if the music were so-so, that’s all it would be. but song selection can make all the difference.

let me just take a second here to give thanks to my honeywell oscillating tower fan for not only providing my personal soundtrack to the writing of this review, but also for creating an almost habitable home. THANKS HONEYWELL! (honeywell is not a sponsor of mediabreach.com nor its subsidiaries … but if they WANNA be, i’m listening)

THANKS HONEYWELL!

but if it’s sounding like this movie beat me down with what was wrong with it, i’m mischaracterizing. this movie entertained the HELL out of me, and it’s just the bastard inside me that wishes it were perfect. so let me shut that guy up a second.

in essence the whole movie becomes a study in what-ifs. which is of course the bread and butter of science fiction. what if she speaks to john? what if she submits an essay? what if earth 2 is full of people? in a nutshell, this movie is a big fat Recommended. i had a great time watching this flick unfold. it’s a helluva good indie movie that owes a lot to movies like OPEN WATER and THE WRESTLER for it’s visual style – god bless filmmakers who use cameras that the common man can afford! and god bless them when they do it right.

a shout-out to one of our fans:

[watch the video. if you didn't watch the video, this part won't make sense] but of course, that’s not to say that just because our planet and everyone on it is universally inconsequential, that we are insignificant. and of course, that’s not what carl’s saying. (goodreads shoutout…) every person i have ever met is involved in their own great struggle against hunger, against lonliness, against sickness, against hatred, against violence, against inequity. it’s easy to think of those struggles in terms of the universe as unnecessary. what does it matter if africans massacre each other, if the english burn their country down, if earthquakes flatten china, if all elected officials everywhere are lying dirtbags, if football players take steroids, if you never helped someone who needed it, if you never find love? it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t matter. but it’s just as easy to think that if we really are alone in the universe, and there isn’t anyone else anywhere else, then you or i might be the only person in the history of all creation in all the universe of the ever EVER to do, a thing. ANY thing.

would that make it meaningless?

wouldn’t that make you want to do it?

we’re doing foreign film this year at the sleeper cell (the french horror HAUTE TENSION (anglicized: high tension) for this week), which is less impressive than it sounds considering i’ve skipped out on the last month or 2. not due to a broken wrist or any international cavorting, but only to laziness. as it happens, the first week i didn’t submit an article for publication in this forum, it wasn’t a big deal. of COURSE it wasn’t a big deal. no one’s getting paid for this. MEDIABREACH is a big project of adoration and sweetness, and if i was gonna take a week off, well that was just fine with everyone. which was great! a nice, low-pressure, voluntary labor of love is a perfect outlet. the unintended consequence however of the charity of my fellow contributors was, as expected, an increase in that furlough. but we’re back now, having once been lost, but now found. so slaughter the fatted calf, and let’s get back to work.

off hand, the first actual factual foreign movie i can remember seeing was MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL when i was 7 or 8 years old. really only old enough to appreciate a puppet bunny ripping out throats and the animation sequences. castle antrax was boring and didn’t make any sense, but the cartoons were funny, and the police bit was just understandable enough to make me laugh.

but no one cares what little children have to say about movies. so when i saw it again and again through the years, and more and more of the jokes revealed themselves to me, it was obvious i wasn’t just watching comedy. at least, not ONLY comedy. the same exact thing happened with GHOSTBUSTERS and most other pg13 fares which would no doubt earn R rating today by our wussified mpaa.

TOP 5 MEMORY MOVIE LINES
5 - “you’ve been in my life so long, i can’t remember anything else.” — lt. ellen ripley (ALIEN 3)

4 - “remember.” — spock (STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN)

3 - “man is defined by his actions, not his memory.” — kuato (TOTAL RECALL)

2 - “memory can change the shape of a room; it can change the color of a car.” — leonard shelby (MEMENTO)

1 - “i remember when my daddy gave me that gun; he told me that I should never point it at anything in the house, and that he’d rather I’d shoot at tin cans in the backyard, but he said that sooner or later he supposed the temptation to go after birds would be too much, and that I could shoot all the blue jays I wanted, if I could hit ‘em, but to remember it was a sin to kill a mockingbird.” — atticus finch (TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD)

HOLY GRAIL has become one of those movies i’ve seen so many times, that i don’t need to watch it but maybe once every other year. in fact, i’m not sure when the last time i watched it WAS. but certainly it hasn’t been since i moved into my new place off I-10, which makes it at LEAST 2 years. but if i had to dammit, i could write a 1500 word sleeper cell on it. and i’d be justified too, considering their american box office numbers.

bughunter

but i won’t. ’cause we all know damn well that low box office numbers do not a sleeper make. thanks to vh1, i also know that the grateful dead were 1 hit wonders. so what? the bottom line is, describing movies from memory is dangerous. i remember loving, absolutely capital l Loving, PETE’S DRAGON as a kid (qussamapodi?). but of course, i committed the ultimate crime and tried to watch it again with my post-college, now-married-man mind, and i couldn’t even catch a tiny sliver of a glimmer of what i used to find so amazing. foo on me. not to say that it’s the exact same thing as remembering how awesome GRINDHOUSE: PLANET TERROR was. i haven’t seen that since the theatrical debut, but i’m pretty sure i like what i remember liking, and that i remember liking it for all the right reasons. i saw the double feature on blu a few weeks ago, by the way, so i’m sure that drought will end soon enough. honestly, how badass was michael biehn?? after TERMINATOR ALIENS and ABYSS and even non-jim-cameron movies K2 and TOMBSTONE, how did that dude not become a household name? i’ll never understand it. AVATAR 2 jim. don’t screw it up (there’s also a rumor going around that he could be in TERMINATOR 5 – awesome).

RANT (disclaimed)
i know this isn’t really the place for it, but i want to rant a little here now. and this is the first time i feel i have to say this: the views of Zack S do not necessarily reflect those of Mediabreach.com and its staff writers.

RANT (begun)
SO: the other day at my local bookseller, i picked up the latest issue of entertainment weekly for whatever kind of movie / tv news i could parse between all their GLEE brown-nosing, when i came across a short little article regarding the new one-sheet poster for david fincher’s upcoming americanization of the international sensation THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (if you haven’t seen the trailer it’s AWEsome – and that aural beatdown your head is taking in is karen o and her YEAH YEAH YEAHS covering ZEPPELIN’s IMMIGRANT SONG. sweeet). so despite my complete moral inabilty to ever watch SOCIAL NETWORK (entirely due to my utter distaste for ben mezzrich), i remain an avid fincher fan. from ALIEN 3 (which is way cooler than ALIENS – please direct all your hatemail to the twitter account @mediabreach) and SEVEN to FIGHT CLUB and ZODIAC – fincher movies are always flat out awesomely well-made capital “f” Films. and you know i’m going to be there opening day to see craig mcdaniels killing it in this dark thriller

RANT (…continued)
the article in question in EW concerned the content of the 1-sheet poster for THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (on the left over there <–). as you can see, rooney mara (as the eponymous lisbeth salander) is baring her breasts and craigy is in a dominating pose. the poster will likely only show online and in europe because us poor lil puritans in america might all die of spontaneous erections and exploding heads if we actually see a nipple in public. there are apparently a buncha people IN THE KNOW (who have not put their names to their comments) who say it’s degrading to women and not in line with the salander character and that it doesn’t do a good job of selling the movie and that it’s risky because it might drive away conservative movie-goers. isn’t this story about a woman who kills a LOT of people? it’ll be rated R – it’s david fincher so you KNOW there’s gonna be some fairly blunt, violent imagery – i think conservative movie-goers aren’t who he’s aiming for. and SINCE WHEN do boobies not sell absolutely everything?? i hate to spoil it for you, but lisbeth’s character undergoes some pretty traumatic physical abuse. so as far as not connecting with the character, i have to tentatively disagree. and i’m afraid that just because a woman’s breasts are on display DOES NOT MEAN SHE’S BEING DISGRACED.

Gabrielle d'Estrees and one of her sisters in the bath (Fontainebleau school, 1595)

A (super) BRIEF NOTE ON eDWARD eSTLIN CUMMINGS
so this lil section was supposed to be about the big why of why famous american poet e.e. cummings is famous for his unconventional typographical decisions in his poetry – most notably his lack of ordinary capitalization and punctuation. this was going to be an eloquent defense of my own unconventional typography in this here post. but as it happens, it doesn’t seem like anyone in the world knows exactly why he did it. there are a few theories saying that he was a strong believer in human equality. which is nice. and that his convictions led him to express themselves in his writing through the democratization of the case setting of his letters. it sounds nice. so maybe that’s it. but he did legally change his name to “e.e.” which, while it might have been for noble reasons, sounds so much more like he was saying, “notice me! oh, someone please notice me!” in any case, i was unable to find any decent argument that i could apropriate for myself, so i’ll just tell the truth – i wrote this whole thing using microsoft’s notepad accessory. and there’s no autocorrect! lame i know. and i refuse to use the shift key unless the word needs to be stressed or is REALLY important. but for funsies, here’s a taste and a link:
in Just-
spring when the world is mud-
luscious the little
lame balloonman

whistles far and wee

all that said, it’s been awhile since the last time i saw HIGH TENSION. so, obviously i don’t remember everything about the flick (so i don’t have a lot of details to share). but i do remember that i liked it. i liked it a lot. which is even more surprising after you’ve seen it. if you know me. if you don’t know me, or haven’t gotten enough of who i am through these lil posts, then maybe it’s not so surprising. still, if you’re not surprised, just know you oughta be. not because there’s anything wrong with the movie. and julia roberts isn’t in it. but because it’s one of THOSE movies. and i can’t even tell you what kind of THOSE i’m talking about, because, of course, it’s a SPOILER. boooo! so for those of you who HAVE seen it, you know exactly what i’m talking about. and for those of you who HAVEN’T, i don’t feel it’s spoilery of me to say that it’s got a kicker ending. i mean, i haven’t done a formal study or anything, but i’ve gotta believe that better than half of all horror flicks have a kicker ending. the twist that the stabby killer in the hockey mask is actually the mom! or the stabby killer with the old lady sweater is actually the son! and so on.

the story here is pretty simple. simple stories really can make for some of the best horror flicks. you’re camping in the woods, a monster shows up: survive. maybe ALIEN jazzes that up some, but they’re basically camping in the woods when they find a monster. JAWS and LAMBS are close, but different in that the brave hero must track down and kill the monster before it kills more innocent campers. but that all implies going out into the great untamed capital “n” Nature. and it becomes something totally different when you’re in your home, minding your business, and the sonofabitching monster breaks in.

girl a ... or b? a?

THE STORY:
Girl A invites her school friend Girl B to her home in the french countryside for … summer vacation? christmas? something like that. they’re chilling after a nice homemade dinner, and the monster (this sounds misleading – it’s not a monster (per se) – this ain’t a creature feature) comes in the house and kills mom and dad and brother. and i’ll say this as best i can: Girl B is able to get out with Girl A – Girl A has reacted … negatively. so Girl B, who seems to have kept her wits, is trying to get them both out safely and keep the pursuing monster as far away as possible. it’s a chase movie at heart, with more twists than just in the road.

A SHORT NOTE ON TITLE TRANSLATION

the 8th passenger of the nostromo

so this movie is called HAUTE TENSION (pronounce kinda like OAT TAWN-she-ON), and that translates literally into HIGH TENSION. which was what this was called in america. but in the UK it was renamed SWITCHBLADE ROMANCE. wtf? there’s next to no romance at all in this movie (there is a non-traditional love scene though), and i can’t for the life of me remember a single switchblade. maybe it’s an idiom in england? who knows. in any case, it makes in iteresting (to me at least) that when translating a film, studios feel like they can just screw around with a title to try and get more people in the seats. i mean, american studios don’t jack with incredibly stupidly titled american films, otherwise DIE HARD 2 wouldn’t have been called DIE HARDER (add to that same subset: DUMB AND DUMBERER and I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMERER) and TOO WONG FOO, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, JULIE NEWMAR would never have gotten out of the gates. so what gives us the right to change EL LABARINTO DEL FAUNO (the faun’s labyrinth) to PAN’S LABYRINTH – pan ain’t in the damn thing, and is from a completely different goddam mythology. of course it goes both ways: ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND, which is named directly from a poem by the immortal british poet alexander pope was released in italy as IF YOU LEAVE ME, I DELETE YOU. jesus christ. what the hell do pope’s poems look like translated into italian?? and famously, BOOGIE NIGHTS was translated into chinese as: HIS GREAT DEVICE MAKES HIM FAMOUS. picturesque! the coolest? ALIEN in poland was called THE EIGHTH PASSENGER OF THE NOSTROMO. even more ominous than ALIEN. neat!

RANT (…continued)
speaking of foreign title translation, the title of the original swedish novel and the original swedish film is: MAN SOM HATAR KVINNOR and while we innocent americans have gone with the cute and image based GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO, the title actually translates literally to: MEN WHO HATE WOMEN. certainly sounds like a violent story. and the story is sure to degrade the salander character, larsson’s themes deal heavily with the moral vacuum in contemporary society. he’s not exploiting women, but the fabric of our worldwide community and just how little we are actually willing to do to change for the better. you want to participate in degradation? then don’t help build houses in flood-ravaged cities – don’t donate canned foods to a homeless shelter – don’t give away that extra jacket to someone living on the streets – don’t help. instead, write to your congressmen, and complain about a movie poster.

RANT (…concluded)
of course, i couldn’t be troubled to look up every person in the world who has a problem with this poster. and of course, the EW article leaves out names, instead going with the very journalistically inept “some people” and “insiders” and “one prominent publicist.” just because a few people are really uncomfortable with the human body doesn’t mean that seeing it is an act of violence and degradation. but i fear that these folks are the same ilk of those who wanted to ban HARRY POTTER because it positively portrays witches. the same people who ban books because mark twain and kurt vonnegut force us to actually see how painful it can be to use a word like “nigger.” and the same clowns who wanted THE KING’S SPEECH re-edited so they wouldn’t have to hear an actor say “fuck.” and these are the same people who see two men marrying each other in apocalyptic terms. these people don’t want to ruin our country. they think they’re doing the right thing. that’s what insanity is like. and this backwards leaning fear-mongering is not i’m afraid protected or endorsed by phrases like:
“All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”
if you hate homosexuals or are against homosexual marriages, that’s your right as an american citizen; there’s no law that says you can’t believe whatever you like. but if you think your beliefs need to be added to american law (which grants just about every freedom to its citizens short of theft and murder you can imagine) then you’re probably a dangerous, fascist. i’ve got no problem with anyone who believes that the laws of the land should be written according the christian bible. no problem at all. but if you DO believe that, then you CANNOT believe in the united states constitution. and i don’t want you influencing my congress. but this is america. and this country was built so that we could change it. it’s your american right to change the laws (as long as you can get 75% of america to agree with you). but before a single syllable comes out of your mouth about how you think the country should more closely resemble judea, your first words better describe how you feel about the the Constitution. and while you have every right to vote, you should take the high road and realize you don’t belong within a hundred yards of any ballot ever. and please direct THAT hatemail to The_Fourteenth_Amendment@yahoo.com.

MOVIE STUFF
and maybe “great” horror doesn’t use the kicker – the 3 horror greats that i throw around constantly are JAWS and SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and ALIEN: 2 creature-features and 1 murder mystery. maybe they’re not even great horror films, but great films with murderous baddies. but in the end, the shark is just a shark and not an alien probe. the alien is just an alien and not a psychological construct. and the killer is just a psychopath and not the ghost of a century-old (to the day) murder victim. but the kicker in HIGH TENSIon isn’t so clumsy. i mean, i guess SOME people thought it was clumsy or it would’ve made more money. but HT’s kicker was a little more popular in the 90s, and there are a couple higher profile movies that went on to become great successes which employ the same trick. of course, if i tell you what those were too, it’s spoiled. suffice it to say: this insn’t really the kind of trick i normally like. but damn, it’s just done so cool.

RANT (epilogue)
i’m not telling anyone what to believe. alls i’m saying is that it’s your right to take moral stances. i’m doing that right now in fact. if Anyone really thinks boobies and gay marriage (i know i know, the EW article says NOTHING about homosexuality – i’m making a rhetorical parallel) are going to destroy our society, then i’m just disagreeing with those Anyones. i also understand that no one quoted in the EW article says anything about the destruction of our society or whether or not the posters should or shouldn’t be displayed. those quoted only say that they think the posters are indecent. however, when i hear anything even remotely associated with censorship i bristle just like dustin does when someone mentions kate hudson. don’t tell me what i can and can’t watch, because you’re just one step away from telling me what i can and can’t read. and then what i can and can’t believe. maybe that sounds paranoid – and maybe i’d think it was too. but i can’t help but feel we’ve seen that kind of thing before.

ahhh. good times

nooooooo!

Alright – last time I mentioned that I was doing a big giant music project and that it was driving me crazy, because (and this is where I sound like an old man) all music coming out these days is terrible. Terrible. But hey, April 12 was coming around, and it was going to be my saving grace, because (as I’m sure you all read in my Best Ten of Oh-Ten: Music Edition) I’m a giant Strokes fan, and the new record, Angles was on the way. But then it came out, and while the second track (“Under Cover of Darkness”) sounded like average filler on a normal Strokes record, the first track (“Machu Picchu”) sounds like a synth-pop Michael Jackson cover, and well jesus. It’s kinda given me a low-level depression for the last few days. What on earth can save us if the even the Strokes can’t keep their heads for this penultimate year of the universe: 2011. Movies I guess. But … what¬†kind of movie? How ’bout a Russian action flick that answers the question that’s been burning in the pits of all our stomachs since Stan Lee first dreamed up his “Merry Mutants” (and Marty Goodman put his bigass editorial foot down and demanded the name be changed to something like, say, the X-Men) back in the early 60s: The mutant story is cool and all, but … instead of shooting eye lasers … or freezing ambient water vapor … what if they were VAMPIRES ‘n’ shit??!!

TO THE QUALIFICATION LOUNGE!
Timur Bekmambetov’s Nochnoy Dozor (based on the book with the same name (by Sergei Lukyanenko) and which even in America you’ll find in the N section of your local Flathead Video under NightWatch) was the biggest Russian movie of all time and the coolest thing to come out of Russia since Captain Marco Ramius (seriously, how cool was that soundtrack?). This was a watershed for Russian cinema which before this was churning out such greats as The Barber of Siberia, Burnt by the Sun and Turkish Gambit. NightWatch, which put forth a Monsters-like effort in special effects with its 4 million dollar budget took in over 33 million worldwide. Nicely done Timmy (see also Wanted and the forthcoming Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter).

The story centers around Anton, who has just recently discovered he’s an OTHER. bumbumbummmmm (for future reference, anytime you see “Other” in this article, it’s totally ok to read it as “mutant”) So Anton (Konstantin Khabenskiy, the rat guy in Wanted) who wants to see if his girl is cheating on him, and maybe she is. And if she is, him and the damn chili-bowl on his dead (not to mention that sweater) were askin for it. And to find out if his girl is cheating, he goes to see a witch (who may or may not be insane) and through witchery she tries to murder Anton’s woman’s unborn child by smashing an egg with a skillet or something? See also the Russian legend of the Baba-Yaga. But this is breaking the rules. She’s a dark witch of the DayWatch and taking a life without the proper paperwork in place … damn. Let me back up

A Brief History of the Baba-Yaga

Howl Chickenbones! Chickenbones! Chickenbones!

The Baba-Yaga in Russian mythology is similar to all American neighborhood folktales about the creepy lady at the end of the street. Aside from the fact that the baba-yaga flies through the air in … i almost don’t even want to say it …a mortar and pestle. Like it’s a boat and the pestle is an oar. It’s Russia right? Her home walks on chicken legs, the keyhole to her house is always full of sharp teeth and while the fence posts are topped with skulls, there’s always at least one empty one just waiting ¬†for the next little girl. She’s your average witch who lives in the woods and eats lost, unlucky children. And while the baba-yaga legend isn’t necessarily pertinent to the film (not at all really), it just provides your first hint at the Russian subtext of the entire movie.

In this alternate Russian X-Men-like universe, Geser (Vladimir Menshov, Lucky Trouble and Generation P) is your Professor X – he leads the good guys, he runs a tight ship, he dresses nicely. And a long long time ago, Geser led his army of the good Others into battle against the evil baddie Others led by Magneto … uh I mean Zavulon (Viktor Verzhbitskiy of the insanely popular Yaroslav Tysyachu let Nazad as well as Na Kryuchke!). So the 2 armies meet a very long time ago (on a very Mines-of-Moria-looking bridge) to battle it out once and for all, and when it all hits the fan, and Others of both sides are dying, Geser yells really loud and stops time. Suck on¬†that Marvel. He makes a deal with Zavulon that the 2 sides will leave each other alone for the most part, and that each side will keep tabs on the other to make sure they’re all following the rules. So, the baddies keep an eye on the light guys and thusly are called DayWatch. Vice versa, the good guys are called: NightWatch. And the major rule? No person, who is not yet aware that they are an Other can¬†be coerced into joining either side; in other words, they must CHOOSE.

Top 5 Foreign Directors Who Made It in Hollywood (The Everyone Says Neill with 1 Syllable Edition)

The Samaritan here fires really big bullets

5 – From effects on Dark
Angel to directing Matt
Damon: Neill Blomkamp

4 – Mexican T.V.
leads to Harry Potter 3:
Alfonso Cuaron

3 – Crouching Tiger then
Brokeback; how awesome is Hulk?!
Just ask James: Ang Lee

2 – Ok, Troy sucked, but
NeverEnding Story? DUUUDE!
Wolfgang Peterson

1 – Zero to Sixty
in Cronos to Hellboy 2:
Gilly del Toro

BACK TO ANTON!
So this old hag of a witch who is now¬†obviously a dark bitch is trying to get Anton to agree to kill the unborn child and thusly be turned into an agent of darkness. Why does this matter? Star Wars! There’s a very George Lucasian prophecy that states that one day, an Other will arise who is the strongest Other in history, and depending on which side this Other chooses, the tide will be turned once and for all. So it’s the opposite of Balance-to-the-Others, but you get it yeh? And this is just the first 20 minutes!

Anton yellin (nyerntnyernt) ...and yes. that's a magical flashlight he's holding

Throw in a woman who is neither owl nor woman nor both (of course, she’s also not a dolphin nor geographic location nor foreign diplomat) and you really have one of the coolest movies of the early 21st century. And if you’ve seen Wanted, regardless of whether or not you liked it, you’ve got to admit, it has a pretty original visual style to it. Now, imagine a director with the ability to render that kind of creativity, and imagine that he doesn’t have a superstar like Angie Jolie to please and he doesn’t have a Hollywood team of producers overseeing his every single move, and you’ll get some kind of idea of the visuals working in this movie.

Honestly, if you’re on Zack Snyder’s jock for getting burly brits or cute actresses in front of a green screen to generate a landscape action scene, then you’ve¬†got to love the kind of practical effects¬†plus low-budget computer trickery that a guy like Timur can bring to a presentation. This movie is one of a kind (way better in fact than the sequel DayWatch ‚Ķ I’m not even sure if the 3rd movie (there are actually 4 books in the series)¬†is even planned. It would be titled¬†‚Ķ no shit: TwilightWatch) and honestly deserves at least a rental if not a complete blind-buy. Ok, so this week, we’re skipping the embed clip (the trailer is absolutely lame complete with Ford-truck-style voice over and dialogue like: “It started over a THOUSAND YEARS AGO” like that garbage actually gets people to watch movies anymore). Still, this movie is awesome. maybe not great, but AWESOME.

LIBERTY!

The word is out. Terminator 5 is going to happen. There’s no word yet on whether or not this will be a sequel to McG’s fine mess of a John Connor story (which I happened to enjoy. To hell with all you haters) or¬†another Hollywood reboot. Either way, I’d be willing to check out another terminator story. Even with (or maybe especially with) a naked CG arnold terrorizing any would-be protagonists. But, and it’s a big but, Justin Lin is scheduled to direct. And if that name doesn’t sound familiar, you’re forgiven. He does however have a couple of very high grossing movies under his belt. Which is the good news. The bad news is that they’re The Fast and the Furious sequels 3, 4 and 5. Crushing I know. And it makes it completely possible that by the time this nonsense is actually in theaters, we’ll all be clammoring for the return of McG. Color me terrified.

Mr. Furious

In other news, Henry Cavill’s career could be over before it begins. Which makes no sense. Still, Lee Pace was in the best movie of 2008, but it was directed by the apparently snake-bitten Tarsem Singh, and followed up his incredible performance as Roy Walker in The Fall with turns as bit characters in A Single Man, When in Rome and a starring role in … Marmaduke. Ouch. So while Tarsem’s new movie, Immortals, might be incredible, I can pretty much guarantee that only fans of The Fall (at least 20 of us) and people who want a first look at the next Superman are likely to see this in the theater. Hopefully I’m wrong, but with starring roles under directors Tarsem and Zack Snyder, Henry could already be toast.

Henry Theseus Kent

At least go see Immortals. Pegged for a November release (plenty of time to plan ahead), Immortals is a classic swords and sandals epic based on Greek mythology. “Supes” will be playing the minotaur-slaying hero Theseus who probably has to save the world or something from a power-mad King Hyperion (played by Mickey Rourke). Everyone’s looking for secret super-weapons and when everything hits the fan, expect a shirtless Cavill to start whuppin ass and wooing the foxy Frieda Pinto. I’m really really hoping this delivers exactly what I was promised with the horribly horrible Clash of the Titans remake.

King Mickey

Other Smaller News Bits:

Guy Ritchie is suspected to be in negotiations to direct Xerxes, the sequel to Zack Snyder’s good movie. Which is weird. And I can’t really imagine it. But, I’m doubting it’ll go through, because it just sounds too awesome. Like Darren Aronofsky doing Robocop or Gilly del Toro doing At the Mountains of Madness. Still, it’s fun to dream.

helluva concept

Alice Eve (of She’s Out of My League and Sex and the City 2) has been cast as the daughter of Emma Thompson’s Agent Oh in Men in Black III. Oh, and there’s gonna be a MIIIB. Returning are Will the Thrill, Tommy Lee and a hopefully sober Rip Torn. Joining the cast are Alice Eve, Emma Thompson and Josh Brolin.

And finally, no shit, The Wicker Man (the original) has a sequel.

NOW CHECK THIS OUT!

The idea was that I’d find a lot of great music that I otherwise wouldn’t have known about, but what’s happening instead is that I’m listening to the first few tracks on every horrible god-awful indie record known to man. And if that weren’t bad enough, it seems like every dbag with an amp who can scream about how angry he is at the world and how god has personally screwed him over can get a record deal. I’m all for indie distribution and the democratization of art, but jesus, all it seems to be doing is adding more and more chaff to an already dying wheatfield. Lame analogy? Probably.

And maybe these two things are unrelated, but I’m to the point where I feel I can sing all the words to any song I’ve never heard based on the band name.
Example:
Band Name: Necronoclast.
Album: Ashes.
Probably song lyrics: WE SHALL BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB! / ALL ARE HATED, NONE ARE SAFE, / FOR I AM THE SON OF SAM! / DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH BURN MEEEEEEEEE!
(Just a guess of course.)

So, needing a little unpredictability mixed into my life, I’m going around the world looking for movies that I have never seen anything like. We’ve done this before of course, with several foreign Sleeper Cells like Intacto, Lola Rennt, El Espinazo del Diablo, Bloody Mallory, etc., but those were just sprinkled in for fun. This time, it’s really closer to therapy.

First up? Spain’s Los Cronocrimenes (and of course, for us lousy Americans, you’ll find it at Hollywood Video under ‘T’¬†for Timecrimes. But you know what? Fudge it, ’cause I don’t speak Spanish either. It’s been about 27 years since my family moved to San Antonio, North Mexico, and all I’ve really picked besides food names and all the possible insults for my guero self are mainly profanities. Pinche diaspora! And I’m cool with that. I’m not one of those 4×4 drivin, Dixie whistlin, straw hat wearin tobacco chewin inbred hillbillies. I love culture. Speak whatever language you want. I think Spanish sounds beautiful. And here’s the “but” – here’s the whole “Not-to-be-Disrespectful-BUT” nail in my own coffin – BUT, if I’m not going to care if you speak English or not, when I come into your place of business, don’t get all pissed at ME ’cause I don’t speak Spanish). In other words, thank god for subtitles. Honestly, if you’re watching a foreign movie, please don’t watch it with the English audio. What’s the point you know?

Wait … Isn’t this a movie website?

So Hector (Karra Elejalde) and Clara (Candela Fernandez) have just moved into their big, beautiful new home in the Spanish countryside. They garden. They get it on. It’s sweet.

So Hector is hanging out on a lawnchair checking out the trees with his binoculars and catches a glimpse of a cute brunette taking her shirt off. (which, incidentally, is the other awesome thing about foreign movies Рthe action needs a boost? Boobies.) So Hector takes a walk into the trees to see if he can find the girl (Barbara Goenaga), and things get weird.

He finally finds her, but damn, she looks kinda dead. Oh wait, still breathing? Then … ACTION!! Hector is stabbed by a man wielding scissors and takes off running. He’s still got the binoculars, and hiding behind a tree gets a look at his attacker: a man in a trenchcoat with his head completely wrapped in pinkish bandages.

TOP 5 BANDAGE MASKS (The-I’m-a-Bit-Rusty-at-Haikus Edition)

What is it about the dark? What secret does it hold?

5 – so he doesn’t play
an instrument, but he’s in
the band? Slipknot’s Clown

4 – Man of a Thousand
Faces … minus one: Karloff’s
Invisible Man

3 – Best piggy morals
ever: The Twilight Zone’s Eye
of the Beholder

2 – Making the whole film
worthwhile: Silent Hill’s leggy
but stabby nurses.

1 – Raimi does Batman;
and gives Neeson a career.
Doc Peyton Darkman.

So as it begins to get dark, Hector gets a little desperate. He runs out of the woods and finds a vaguely sciency compound, and what would you do if you thought a madman was chasing you down to stab you to death? Would you smash an expensive looking window with a big rock? If not, you’d be dead. And Hector does¬†not want to be dead. So Hector talks to a man via walkie talkie while the bandaged baddie is geting closer and CLOSER¬†and damn yo, this is tense. Hector follows the man’s directions up to another building and he meets the scientist – this dude’s at the compound for the weekend working on his new invention. The scientists agrees to help Hector escape the madman, and hides in a milky pool of water – the lid swings down, the light zaps bright, and when the lid pops up – did I mention this is a time travel movie?

A Brief History of Time Travel
Time travel in fiction doesn’t really date back to anything. Before modern times, it’s near impossible to say that any one person did any one thing first. However, the earliest possible reference to a man moving through time at a rate other than that provided by normal physics seems to be found in Hindu mythology. Of course, Hindus just call it history. So screw me and my capital ‘w’ Western mind. The Hindu document called The Mahabharata dates back to the 4th century BCE and is a religious text in the traditional sense. It tells the story of the ancient Kurukshetra War along with a few other historical parables.

Included in the incredible wealth of stories of the text is a story of a king named Kakudmi. Kakudmi was the benevolent ruler of the underwater kingdom of Kusasthali. Kakudmi’s story centers around his daughter Revati who was so beautiful and intelligent that Kakudmi believed there was no man on earth who deserved her. Seeking advice, the king takes Revati to the creator of the universe, Brahma, with a list of candidates. Hearing his plight, Brahma laughs and informs the two that time travels differently in his realm of existence and that in the few minutes they had been together, 108 Ages of Man have passed; everyone Kakudmi ever knew has died, Kakudmi’s kingdom is no longer his own, and the world is a completely different place than it was when they left. Of course, it wasn’t a total loss – turns out, Vishnu happened to have incarnated himself into two men, one of whom he recommends the daughter marry. Brahma sets up a marriage between the two and all live happily ever after.

So in early story-telling, it’s far more common for someone to move forward in time ‚Äì usually by visiting a god, or just falling asleep for extended periods of time (see also Rip van Winkle). For the first example of someone going¬†backwards in time, we jump to the 1700s. In 1733 Irish author Samuel Madden wrote an epistolary novel called¬†Memoirs of the Twentieth Century in which appears a series of letters TO the Lord High Treasurer FROM British ambassadors all over the world. All the letters are dated between 1997 and 1998 and offer descriptions of the era. The author claims to have received the letters from his guardian angel who brought them to him from the future ‚Äì making the angel the first reverse time-traveler in fiction. NEAT! However, since the book is more a satire of 18th century England and less an actual science fiction story, the novel has had next to no impact on the science fiction community, and while it’s universally acknowledged as the pioneer of going back in time, no one really cares.

And presumably, we can see where Timecrimes is going. A man can’t just go back in time a little and just live out the rest of his life right? There would be 2 of him. Which is always the problem. And sure enough, Hector looks out over the hill with his trusty binoculars and sees himself coming home to Clara with the groceries. Shit. Now, in other movies, a grandiose epic begins at this point with time-traveling bandits, freeway shootouts, goggles that let you see into the future, whatever. But that is¬†not what this movie is. This movie is nothing that guys like Richard Kelly or J.J. Abrams would ever think to write. There are no gigantic space ships. There’s no going back to TEN THOUSAND B.C.C.c.c.c. (<- that’s supposed to be an echo). None of that. Here is a gutsy movie. A movie that you think you have figured out, but will end up different that you expect.

The essence of science fiction is the great question: “What if‚Ķ” And here, writer/director Nacho Vigalondo gives us Science Fiction. He gives us a regular guy running from a killer from the future. Hector has limited resources and limited time. He’s not a former Navy SEAL. He’s not a paramedic or an Eagle Scout. He’s a tubby middle-aged home-owner with a big problem. Los Cronocrimenes is about what an ordinary man in this extraordinary situation might be forced to do to get his life back.

it’s good to be back

We open with a seeming flashback … a message from earth urging an unknown crew of an unknown ship “godspeed.” Then! Corporal Bower wakes up after a looong time in hypersleep. (What is hypersleep? Haven’t you seen Alien? If not, half the visual cues in this movie will be lost on you. And on top of that you’re probably still a teenager. And think bands with complete sentences for names are cool, and you think Green Day has always been a sellout.  And you’re already discounting everything I say. How can I be a curmudgeon and still like movies made after 2005? Who cares. So Bower wakes up on a space ship and is probably part of the crew put to sleep to be awakened for an incredibly long space mission, but is all alone. And we’re not sure why he’s awake. And there’s no superior officer. Unless … the hypersleep chamber right next to him has a lieutenant in it! Maybe he’ll know what’s going on. I mean, he’s friggin Dennis Quaid after all!

Main Character Haiku

Corporal Bower
wakes up on the edge of space …
Here there be monsters.

So Bower wakes up his lieutenant and the¬†two try to figure what‚Äôs happened and why the mission has seemingly gone wrong and what the hell was the mission anyway and why is the whole ship, The Elysium, violently shaking every so often, and what’s up with all the Voldemort-lookin’ monsters eating everybody?

It‚Äôs a basic rule of filmmaking that if you‚Äôre making a horror movie, you have to create tension. It doesn‚Äôt do any good to have a monster in the water or (god forbid) on your boat if there‚Äôs no risk of the people you like being eaten. And trick #1 of tension is ‚Ķ bumbumbummm: ISOLATION. Brody, Hooper and Quint can‚Äôt rely on being saved, because they‚Äôre on the ocean. Nancy and company can‚Äôt be saved, because Freddy only comes when they‚Äôre asleep, and all alone. Steve McQueen and his foxy gal can‚Äôt be saved, because they‚Äôre only kids, and what cops are going to believe a couple¬†o’ teens saying a mysterious¬†blob is eating their buddies? So what better setup than having our hero awaken all alone with temporary amnesia on a spaceship with no mission, no direction and no orders?

That's great! That's just great! Where the hell are we now, huh?!

Pandorum by the Numbers (The Don’t You Miss Joe Bob Briggs Too? Edition)
2 Sacrificial Lambs
1 Sexy German Biologist
1 Hardcore Vietnamese Farmer
1 Vicious Monster Baby
2 Badly Animated CG Bloodsprays
1 Crazy Chef
1 Evil Space Disease
3 Strangely Well-Hewn Space Swords
And Lots and Lots of Evil Man-Eating Baddies

But it’s not enough to just isolate your characters from the rest of the human race. I mean, if you’re isolated, you deal with the situation and move on. There has to be a promise of reconnection. There has to be a side-quest of finding your wife. Remembering your past. Contacting Earth. Fixing the Radio. Remember Brody, Hooper and Quint? The whole trip wouldn’t have been so terrible if Quint hadn’t destroyed the radio. And probably not so terrible if there had never even been a radio. But because Brody is this close to getting help and getting out of the ocean, that your palms sweat just a little bit more. All you need now is that little reconnection to the human race that reminds you of your biological imperative to have babies.

Antje Traue as Nadia - Biology Badass

Co-Star Haiku

What cutie, foreign
biologist do you know
who can kick your ass?

Greenlight!

And the color pallet is awesome – the lighting scene to scene really calls attention to itself in the way that a normal space horror (like Event Horizon or even otherwise perfect movies like Alien or Galaxy of Terror) doesn’t seem to accomplish. Maybe that’s having a German director (Christian Alvart Рdirector of that other horror hit Case 39) and production team, and maybe it’s just a filmmaking team doing their best to elevate what’s usually seen as trash cinema. I mean, horror movies always make back their budgets, right? (see also Project Greenlight’s first ever profit) There is specific attention paid to creating moods out of background colors. Yellows and greens seem to act as DANGER cues while the soft blues help usher us into the world of the star-crossed space ship. So with all the distrust going around, along with the very likely possibility of being eaten by space monsters, why not make things fun and throw in a horrible, shaky-handed, space madness called … Pandorum!

BadGuy Haiku

Imagine Gieger’s
Necronom Number Four plus
Firefly’s reavers. Yipe!

This movie is all about payoff. I’m not saying there’s a real Shyamalan moment, but the first time I watched Pandorum, I got the feeling over and over again that I knew exactly where this movie was going, and exactly what typical horror buttons it was pushing. But you don’t get actors like Ben Foster and Dennis Quaid without having at least something worthwhile going on. The fun of familiar images (like Foster climbing through the air ducts looking amazingly like Captain Dallas looking for a xenomorph) really blends well with a few new sci-fi ideas thrown into the mix. And just the pure refreshment of having a space horror movie with a plot that is more than just “how many different ways can we disembowel our heroes” should be enough to get genre fans excited. Initially, Pandorum was a part of one of the worst months in movie theater history coming out with other gems like The Informant, Jennifer’s Body, Fame, Surrogates and I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. And with Zombieland debuting only 2 weeks later, it was easy to forget you meant to see this. It’s ok. You’re forgiven. Just don’t let it happen again.

10 ‚Äì “Like I Died (Remix)” by Tech N9ne featuring Krizz Kalico
From The Lost Scripts of K.O.D. [EP]
Krizz Kalico has been slowly forcing me to pay attention to him. With his work with the Kansas City rapper Tech N9ne, (along with KC sports writer Jason Whitlock constantly plugging his records whenever he hosts the Jim Rome Show), I’m finally ready to let these guys into my wheelhouse. Aside from my love for Busta Rhymes and Method Man, I usually prefer a less aggressive hip-hop. Not necessarily because I’m against rappers dropping their multiple N-bombs or my aversion to the Look-At-Me style of rap; I’m just more attuned to a funky back-beat and more involved music than guys like Dr. Dre and T.I. usually have time for. Give me K-os and Chali 2na anyday. (here’s the original for comparison’s sake)

09 – Love Reign O’er Me by Bettye Lavette
From Interpretations: The British Rock Songbook
Frenchies take a decent pounding in my movie reviews. Mainly for being French. But they get my love here for keeping our icons alive. For whatever reasons, they really love our old jazz and Motown over there, and it’s allowed for a largely unsuccessful 60s Motown singer like Lavette to make a career out of her underappreciated music. Back in 2005 Bettye Lavette made her huge comeback with a covers album called I‚Äôve Got My Own Hell to Raise where she sang soulful, bluesy versions of an eclectic grouping of songs like Sinead O‚ÄôConnor‚Äôs ‚ÄúI Do Not Want What I Have Not Got‚Äù and Dolly Parton‚Äôs ‚ÄúLittle Sparrow.‚Äù (and especially Lucinda Williams’ “Joy”) Her version of The Who‚Äôs “Love Reign O‚Äôer Me‚Äù just continues her brand of ingenious interpretation.

08 – “Glitter Freeze” by Gorillaz
From Plastic Beach
I love this band. I love Damon Albarn. Everthing the dude does is perfect. I love Blur and Gorillaz, and The Good the Bad and the Queen (with DJ Dangermouse). I love the soundtrack to Ravenous. But, I didn‚Äôt love this album. When their self-titled record came out back in ‚Äô01, I wasn‚Äôt ready for it. I hated it in fact. I dug ‚ÄúClint Eastwood‚Äù with De La Soul, but I didn‚Äôt get what they were doing. In fact, I asked my parents for the new System of a Down instead. That was more my speed. I got a few cds for Christmas that year. Toxicity and DMX‚Äôs Great Depression and whatever was new from They Might Be Giants. You see where I was coming from? But I get it now. And I love it. Demon Days is one of my favorite records, and I‚Äôm hoping this is just a phase. We‚Äôre 40 years out now, but I hear it was difficult coming to terms with the new Beatles albums as they came out brand new. I‚Äôm not saying Damon Albarn is John Lennon (yes I am), but I‚Äôm betting I come around to eventually love the album. As it is, “Glitter Freeze” is hype and techno-y and fun.

07 – “This Too Shall Pass” (Marching Band Version) by OK GO
From Of the Blue Colour of the Sky
I‚Äôm not really a fan of OK GO. Not at all in fact ‚Äì too clever for their own good. It‚Äôs a theme I‚Äôm noticing with bands featuring dudes who shop at Hot Topic. No telling whether or not I‚Äôll like their music, but I‚Äôm betting they get too cutesy. But I‚Äôm a snob. So screw me. These dudes got famous for that cool treadmill vid, and have been doing their best to one-up themselves ever since, and they get my vote. Their videos are cool, and it‚Äôs damn near an event when they come out with a new one. The official video for the single ‚ÄúThis Too Shall Pass‚Äù is that¬†other cool vid with the giant Rube Goldberg machine. Check it. It’s awesome. And the machine is great. I just like the version with the horns more. Lionel would be proud.

06 – “Pain” by Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse featuring Iggy Pop
From Dark Night of the Soul
I don’t know much about Sparklehorse; the wiki tells me they’re a two-man indie rock group with a  few albums. They sound interesting. I’ll check ‘em out in 2011. But for now, they only have my attention because of DJ Danger Mouse. I’ve been on Danger’s trail since the first Gnarls Barkley album. I backtracked a bit to get his collaboration with Brooklyn rapper Jemini, subsequently learned he produced the second Gorillaz album, Demon Days, and have been snapping up whatever he does (except Broken Bells – a collaboration between Danger and the lead singer of The Shins. Music is subjective, and lead vocals are a big indicator for me, and James Mercer just doesn’t do it for me. Much love to Broken Bells though, as they’ve had a great 2010.) So I stumble on this album with Sparklehorse and see they have a song with Strokes lead singer Julian Casablancas, and I’m all over it. But Iggy goes all David Bowie here and steals the show. And I always love noisy-ass guitars.

Break time!

2010 for me was also a year of catching up. So, it’s not 2010, but it’s new to me:
The Ting Tings performed on Saturday Night Live on January 16, 2010. So while their album actually came out in June 2008, I was outta the loop. They do that British pop sound pretty good, and I really dig Katie White’s vocals. And if it were valid, “That’s Not My Name” would totally be top 5 on this list.

Also Julian Casablancas! I just mentioned he‚Äôs the lead singer of The Strokes (who I just got into this year), and while the band has been taking time off since their 3rd LP in ‚Äô06, JC has been recording with various artists and dealing with alcoholism. Fun! And in November ‚Äô09 he released an 8-track solo album called Phrazes for the Young which I didn‚Äôt learn about til a month or 2 ago, and “4 Chords of the Apocalypse” is my favorite from it.

Other stuff? I spent 2010 catching up on the 3 albums from The Strokes, and also learning what all the fuss has been about regarding Tom Waits. I knew Tom Waits from his acting. He‚Äôs badass in Domino, Coffee and Cigarettes, Wristcutters: A Love Story and The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, and what do ya know, his music is awesome too. Love his comp album Beautiful Maladies and just about everything else I can get my hands on. But shit happens right? The same day I finally find a “slightly used” copy of his 3-disc epic b-side release, Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers & Bastards, is the exact same day my car stereo decides to eat the next cd I give it. That was in JUNE. Effing cd player still won‚Äôt eject it. I know, I‚Äôm lame and should just take it to someone less retarded than me, but if you‚Äôre thinking that, you obviously don‚Äôt know how lazy I am.

05 – “Sinister Kid” by The Black Keys
From Brothers
Take your pick man. Seriously. This is one of the best albums of the year, and just about any song on it could’ve made this list. The Black Keys do what they do, and what they do is release album after album with cool, cool tunes. They’re a couple of dudes from Akron who really seem to have a ton of fun making music. They get compared to The White Stripes a lot for the same reasons that Peyton Hillis gets compared to Mike Alstott a lot, but it’s sort of unfair to both bands. I go with “Sinister Kid” ‘cause I love that Sly and the Family Stone sound. I wish I had more to say about these guys. They’re awesome, and even though the Grammy’s haven’t been relevant since before MTV, here’s hoping they sweep.

04 – “When Universes Collide” by Gogol Bordello
From Transcontinental Hustle
The higher up this list I’m getting, the less and less I have to say. I’m learning that the more I love something, the worse I am at conveying my opinion of it. Yeh? So I’ll tell a story! I got lucky finding this band. Living in Rochester at the time (which was traumatic enough), I had a crazy fight with my wife. It was the one and only time we yelled at each other, and I just needed to take a drive man. I got in the car and started cooling off, and I turned a corner and there was a used music store. So I went in still a little pissed and ready to spend some vengeance money, and I picked up an Atari Teenage Riot [EP] and this bright yellow (ooh pretty colors!) album called Gypsy Punks: Underdog World Strike. I’m into punk, sounds angry, do it. And it was this awesome blend of eastern European folk music and punk rock, and all of a sudden, I’m feeling great and speeding home to put it on for my wife. Named after the Russian author Nikolai Gogol, they’re a totally awesome band out of NYC with crazy ass live shows, and I swear, every album is better than the last. In fact, if you like “When Universes Collide,” I’d almost advise you check out Gypsy Punks and Super Taranta! (their 2nd album) first in case those 2 lose their luster.

03 – “Fuck You” by Cee-Lo Green
From The Lady Killer
Like I mentioned, I’m not a big fan of pop, but dammit, sometimes they get it right. Cee-Lo’s classic use of Motown grooves knocked me on my butt the first time I heard it. Which was a whole lot later than everyone else I think. I don’t listen to the radio … ever. (<- that’s a lie. Diane Rehm and Jim Rome are two of my favorite people in the world) I don’t even remember why I heard this song for the first time anyway. My wife probably recommended it. But being a fan of Cee-Lo’s work with Danger Mouse in Gnarls Barkley (and even back to the Goodie Mob days) I checked it out on YouTube and must have watched the video a dozen times. He’s got that unique song-writing ability to take a horribly, unfair and tragic life experience and set it to music to dance and laugh about (see also “Last Kiss” by J Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers). It’s cathartic as hell, and bubble-gummy and friggin awesome.

02 – “I’m New Here” by Gil Scott-Heron
From I’m New Here
I’ve got no real angle here, but just like with Bettye Lavette, it’s awesome to see a music veteran disappear for decades and then re-emerge with a bang. Gil Scott-Heron got semi-famous in the 70s and 80s with his political takes on his jazz/spoken word albums that were part rapping, part singing and part melodic talking. His best-known song is probably “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised,” and while he’s been fairly influential in the development of rap and hip-hop, has been largely ignored by the rest of the music world. In fact, the only reason I know anything about him at all is because of the British techno duo Underworld. Underworld put out a compilation album back in 2003 of songs influential to their style (as a part of the “Back to Mine” series) and included “B Movie” by GSH as the opening track. It’s 12 minutes of genius political satire, and it made me an immediate fan. This song sort of reminds me of Johnny Cash’s Rick Rubin produced cover of “Hurt” that came out just before Cash died (or even Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ “Call Me Brujo” from the Best of the Bizarre Sessions in 2000). I’m not saying GSH is on death’s door, but it definitely has that “looking back” quality that kind of makes you wish you knew more about him.

01 – “Snow” by The Chemical Brothers
From Further
Call me biased. If it’s a year where the Chems release an album, there’s a pretty good chance that one of its songs will be my favorite of the year. So here you have it. The Chems have proven with every album that they really can do it all. In fact, they even contributed three songs to the Black Swan soundtrack. The movement and evolution from track to track on the new album is rhythmic and primal and yet still perfectly crafted and intricate. “Snow,” being the first track (borrowing from the immortal Jackie Wilson!), sets the ground work, and really, I understand if this doesn’t work for most people as a great song. But try to think of it the same way that I first heard it; I love this band; I take time off work to drive to Best Buy when a new Chems record hits the shelves; and hearing the first track off a new album is less like listening to music and more like reconnecting with a long-lost best friend. Further is just another example of greatness by the kings of big beat music. It features 8 songs that work perfectly as a unit, and are still awesome one at a time. I’m in danger of going all gushy here (yeah, even more than I already have), so I’ll just say, this is my favorite song of my favorite songs of the year, and I hope you like them!