I like to think I provide  a service to the Breach faithful.  I like to think that.  Do I actually believe that?  No, not really.  I mean, most of the garbage I decide to dive into you folks wouldn’t even get close enough to sniff.  Still, I feel weirdly compelled to continue on and carry the torch on the quest to review the ‘bad movie’.  Whether you appreciate this or not, I’m still doing it for you.  I don’t get paid, I don’t get any joy or fulfillment out of this.  I’m not kidding, I get absolutely nothing from what I write here.  Often times it is downright painful to see what I am seeing.  There have been occasions where I’ve scrapped entire reviews and retreated completely into my dark place that you’ll never get to read.  No.  This column is solely dedicated to whomever decides to stumble across this website and deems my work worthy enough to read.  And I thank you.  You sick fuck.

Look, Bucky Larson Born to Be a Star is an easy enough target.  This movie is much maligned and has already been shredded a thousand times over by so many other critics.  I’m surprised even with Sandler’s Happy Madison production company at the helm that it even got a theatrical release.  Nick Swardson (Bucky) is the complete opposite of what you look for in a leading man and the script was probably written on and read from the Devil’s taint.   Swardson on his own is a terrible comedian.  He exhibits nothing that I find funny nor would anyone else with even the tiniest bit of a human brain.  He’s the number one reason I avoid mainstream comics.  There are so many like him, I’m afraid to take a chance anymore.  Why in the fucking world was this movie made?  Well, I know exactly why and I’m going to tell you.

The Sandler company dubbed ‘Happy Madison’ productions are just a bunch of fratboys who may or may not have been in an actual frat.  The movies this collection of toe jam produce are nothing more than a series of inside jokes and small bits that each of them can laugh at and I’m sure are based on whatever hijinks they get  into on their own.  This movie is no different.  I’m convinced these movies are not made for a profit, they’re just a way for these assholes to collect what they think is funny and show it to each other.  The real problem lies in the fact that they seek distribution.  Go shoot your gag reels guys, but please leave the public out of it.  This movie never needed to be released.  And how they got Christina Ricci (yes she is in this) involved, I don’t know.  I don’t know what dirt the Sandler crew has on that poor girl, but it has to be significant.  I’m sure her penance wasn’t just an appearance in this movie either.  The darker parts of me tell me she was perhaps the Happy Madison Cum Cup.  That sweet little Wednesday Addams  was violated by a group of hack comedians, yes.  I’m calling it.

Alright so what the fuck is this movie already you ask?  Well it’s Bucky Larson!  Bucky is a quaint little Midwestern boy from Iowa.  You know the type.  He’s got an annoying as all motherfuck Midwest accent (which he can’t understand is an accent) and is about as wholesome as an episode of Sesame Street.  Minus the 80s breastfeeding.  The movie opens with Bucky getting fired from his job as a grocery sacker, and quickly moves on to his friends trying to cheer him up with a pornographic movie.  See, ‘lil Bucky has never seen porn before, nor has he ever decided to play with his bits.  His friends cheering him on and instructing him on how exactly to do this is actually really fucking insanely gross by the way.   But Bucky is that stupid of a character.  He thinks it’s normal for his buds to tell him how to manipulate his junk in order to facilitate fun time.  Problem is, the porno they  happen to dig up to show him features Bucky’s parents.  Any normal child would reject this completely and probably go into a coma, but not Bucky.  Bucky is convinced that because his parents made just shy of a hundred fuck vids that he’s destined to head to L.A. and make some of his own.

This is where I suppose the movie would ‘take off’ if it were an actual movie and not something written on a cocktail napkin by the head of Adam Sandler’s penis.  So Bucky hops on the bus to L.A. with a dream to be not only in porn, but a porn STAR!  Of course his first few days in town he meets several pivotal characters.  One being Christina Ricci.  I don’t remember her name from the flick, I think it was Becky, or Roberta or Cockswallower.  Who cares?  He meets her in a diner she’s waitressing at and of course they hit it off.  Eventually she aids him in rooming with a completely insane Kevin Nealon who has fallen so far since his Weekend Update gig it’s not even remotely funny.

After a botched commercial audition (which of course he thinks is a porn gig) he ends up at a party of who’s who in porn.  The top dog being a well-hung man named Dick Shadow played by HOLY FUCK STEPHEN DORFF!  This is what, his 3^rd appearance now in the Crawl Space?  Deuces Wild, Fear.com and now this??  He’s like a Crawl Space legend at this point.  You know the saying, “the man can’t act his way out of a paperbag”?  Well the Dorff doesn’t even know what a paper bag IS, motherfuckers!  After observing Dorff again, I realized something.  He’s the poor man’s (if there is such a thing) 80s Christian Slater, who is also another Crawl Space alum.  The two of them deserve to work together in the worst buddy cop movie ever made.  I hope this happens.

Alright so Bucky gets discovered by this sleazy washed-up porn director who gives him a shot because he knew his parents.  Turns out, Bucky — big surprise— has the smallest cock ever seen.  This is something I was able to identify with, by the way.  Sleazy director played by the always brilliant Don Johnson, decides to shoot anyway and they discover Bucky’s real talent.  Not only is his junk miniscule, but he’s so sexually deprived that upon viewing a pair of breasts still trapped within a bra, he delivers a violent cumshot that A) no one knows where it went and B) is frighteningly delivered by Bucky imitating a tortured chimp.

Of course, Bucky’s shtick takes off as sort of the everyman in porn.  His dick is so small and he’s so sexually inept that  he becomes somewhat of an inspiration to all of us inadequate members of society.  He sweeps the adult film awards, even winning best taint.  I’ve never seen Nick Swardson’s taint, but I’m rather certain others would’ve rightfully won this.  When you look at the man without clothes it’s like looking into Satan’s bleached asshole.  Along the way, blah blah blah he ends up with Christina Ricci’s character, what was her name?  Fantasia?  I don’t know.

This movie repeatedly made me ask myself, is it worth it?  Is this worth reviving a column no one reads?  My ego barked out a resounding yes, while the other parts of me gave a quiet whispering of ‘dude wtf are you doing?  Just let it go’.  I believe that you all needed to know about this.  Because at the end of the day, no matter what is happening, someone may stumble upon this movie.  This is your warning.  Watch this movie with extreme caution, or please, don’t watch it at all.

If you have an iPhone or an iPod touch, or are perhaps one of the unlucky billion than have an android phone, you know what this game is. I’ve had encounters with all versions of this game to this point, and none have managed to impress me. I like a well designed casual game, I won’t lie. There’s something about this game though that just doesn’t come through for me. Perhaps it’s because it’s really just various fruit flying into frame that I must swipe and chop? Yeah that’s most certainly it. This game is crack for idiots. If I know you and you love this game on your iPhone, then I apologize.

When word came of this game coming to Xbox Live Arcade Kinect, I perked up. Could they manage to add some depth? Would the game feel better if it’s just me standing in front of a camera flailing about like a fucking idiot? The quick answer is NO. Of course they didn’t. I downloaded this (very tiny in size) game demo and booted it. I was not surprised that I was restricted to a mode where…fruit flies into the frame and I have to use my hands/legs to slice it in half. Seriously, are any of these other game modes necessary? I was not offended in any way that I could not access these other modes from the demo. The game cannot get any more complicated or deep than what it is, which is fruit skeet shooting.

OOH I GOT A 29 HIT FRUIT COMBO OH FUCK.    Piss.  The.  Fuck.  Off.

So there I stood, for you, the reader attempting to steer my flabby arms in the proper position to slice all this fruit.   There is no precision required for this, folks.  A complete waste.

There are those that might wish I would attack Microsoft’s Kinect rather than this game as it is just a silly port of a stupid swipey fingerfest from the iPhone. I can’t rail against Microsoft just yet. This Kinect thing still has promise even if it is completely underutilized. As long as we keep getting shit like this, I will forever feel like I wasted $150.

Build a proper game for this thing, somebody. Please. And fuck Fruit Ninja. Go swipe your iPhones, assholes.

I absolutely hate to do this in reviews because I think it’s a cheap tactic used to run and hide from traditional analysis of a flick, but I have to warn you all that if you do not like Danny McBride you will probably be face palming for the runtime of this movie.  There, I said it.  Granted, there will also be a very small percentage of McBride fans that are going to pass on this as well, but they’re going to be in the minority for sure.  As for me personally, the unashamed McBride fan?  I ate up every second of this shit.  It’s juvenile, it’s ridiculously filthy and it’s refilled my ever dwindling reserve of comedy movie quotes.

The plot is fairly by the numbers for a fantasy flick, with a few tweaks on genre staples.  McBride plays a loser prince, Thadeous.  Thadeous loafs around chasing tail, being an asshole and smoking weed all day.  His brother, James Franco’s Fabious, is the good son out questing and being all knightly/princely/future kingly and shit.  Fabious returns from one of his recent quests having rescued a maiden, Belladonna played by Zooey Deschanel and has decided to marry her.  But of course, during their ceremony she is kidnapped by evil wizard Lezar (a fantastic Justin Theroux) in order to fulfill a ritual in which he will give her some sex and birth a dragon.   I always wanted to bang a broad and knock her up with a dragon.

The two prince brothers set out on a quest to recover Belladonna.  Thadeous is naturally resistant to this plan at first.  He’d much rather stay in the castle and “strum his filthies” to pass the time.  Along the way they meet up with a smoking hot badass ass-kicking Natalie Portman and hilarity as they say, ensues.

I don’t really want to give away a lot of the good shit in this movie.  I’d stay away from the red band trailers that are on the net as they definitely give away some of the better gags, though there is still enough other good stuff sprinkled throughout.  Justin Theroux as the evil wizard guy really does steal the scenes he’s in.  McBride is of course himself, and why would we want anything else?  I love the man’s shtick, what can I say?  I don’t see myself growing tired of it anytime soon.  Franco is yet again loveable, with shades of noble hero thrown in for good measure.  It’s really hard to dislike that man even though he managed to piss off everyone in Hollywood.

It’s a solid cast, there’s rampant disgusting humor that will likely make your mother hate it and yes it has Natalie Portman’s ass like we’ve all seen in the trailers.  But forget her naked bum for a second because it also features Zooey Deschanel’s superbly sculpted cleavage in a lot of the scenes and they are forever burned into my perverted memory.  You want filth and McBride?  Go see this shit.  If you lean towards the film snobbery side of things, it’s a decent rental for you.

We kind of all saw this coming, didn’t we? ¬†Alot of industry insiders were already wary about Snyder’s involvement with Superman, and all the whispering about him possibly being canned from the project got even louder when the buzz on Sucker Punch was largely negative. ¬† So really, it’s not a huge surprise, but what would be rather is the fact that he’s already been replaced. ¬†It’s almost as if this had been a done deal for weeks now considering how quickly WB inserted him into the project, but here we are, Tim Story is directing Superman.

You read that correctly. ¬†The mad genius behind the Fantastic Four movies has been given the keys to one of the most coveted franchises out there. ¬†I don’t have a whole lot to go off of here since his body of work isn’t that lengthy, but the man is about as bland as they come. ¬†The FF flicks were a waste of time and an insult to one of the greatest comic books ever. ¬† Word has it, the cast of Superman is also in trouble. ¬†Henry Cavill ¬†will most likely be let go and not be Supes. ¬†I haven’t heard anything just yet on our favorite little white trash ginger, Amy Adams. ¬†Anyone other than her is an improvement really. ¬† Don’t quote me on this, but some people are already pegging Jason Biggs as Supes. ¬†Again, don’t quote me on that but there are alot of people throwing that around as a definite possibility because he happens to be Story’s boyfriend.

I’ll keep you guys posted on developments to the story and cross your fingers that none of this shit actually happens and it just languishes in development hell once again. ¬†Don’t count on that though.

I was out.   Done.  The game was out of reach.  Yet, just like Larry Legend, I’m comin’ out the locker room and shooting lights motherfucking out when all y’all bitches thought I was finished.  Just as the Boston Garden went apeshit, I imagine you all doing precisely the same thing right now.  Turns out that gaping hole between columns was merely halftime, people.  Did I just sit here and compare myself to one of the most legendary athletes in American sports history?  Why, yes I did.

DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK!  Ok I’m done.

And the crowd went MILD.

Let’s do this, shall we?  What better way to come back with the worst column ever than to return with a movie about a killer Bear…called BEAR?  Exactly, I couldn’t think of a better way to do this.  I watched a movie about a revenge-fueled bear.  Unfortunately a little research shattered my hopes of this movie being about a large, hairy homosexual man.  I didn’t necessarily want to see wall to wall gay sex, but I also wouldn’t complain about that.  No, this movie is about 4 total dickheads whose names I cannot recall; who decide cutting through wooded bear territory is the fastest way to get to their destination.  Oopsies!  They get a flat.    Being stupid city folk, of course it takes them 15 hours to swap out their flat with the spare.  During this time, a cute ‘ill ‘old bear happens upon their impromptu mini-van campsite with a, “HAY GUYS SUP?” kind of demeanor.  The macho retard in the group decides the correct response to this innocent bear question is to empty a full clip from his handily stowed 9mm into the bear, killing it pretty fucking dead.

Now, I don’t know a whole lot about Bears.  In fact, the only thing I know is that they really enjoy cocaine.  In fact, they FUCKING LOVE IT.  At least that’s what the internet has taught me.

What I definitely know is that it’s really not cool to just shoot a bear dead when you had ample time to re-enter your vehicle, put the fucker into drive and haul ass out of the bear infested woods.  I mean really, it’s almost comical how many rounds this guy puts into the bear.  I’m guessing it was a 20 round clip, and you hear pretty much every shot go off.  The bear initially took that shit like a champ too, just absorbing bullets.  After it bit the dust, everyone is happy (except the one dude with half a conscience) and they all pile in the van to get the hell out.  Uh oh!  The van won’t start now.  No big deal, the bear is dead, right?  Yes, the bear is very much dead.  But guess what?  The bear’s bestest pal is alive and he’s probably on a serious cocaine bender because he proceeds to fuck this party’s shit up.

These motherfucking assholes are seriously the worst people on Earth, so you really just end up rooting for the revenge bear.  The bear which I should add is almost entirely real.  There is a real bear on set, roaming around doing bear stuffs.  Only in the extreme close-ups are we able to tell it’s temporarily a man in a suit.  The problem with using an actual bear 99% of the time is that you only gain sympathy for the animal and never the characters.  The bear is just cute as a motherfuck.  The way their shaggy bear ass jiggles when they get up on their hind legs.  Fucking adorable.   Of course our cast does not acknowledge this because the bear is trying to eat them, but I can’t help but let out an “awwwww” every time I see it.

This movie is horrific.  It’s predictably really low budget, features unsympathetic characters always doing the dumbest things imaginable and features some insanely hilarious dialogue.  At one point, the macho man character snaps and delivers this doozy during one of the many bear on van attacks:

‚ÄúFuckin come and get me.¬† I’m gonna kill your babies!¬† I’m gonna fuckin eat your fuckin babies!¬† I’m gonna skullfuck your stupid fucking face!”

Um, HELLO, the bear does not speak English how is he supposed to interpret trash talk?  All he’s hearing is, “EAT ME AND MY FRIENDS I SHOT YOUR BUDDY!” followed by his inner voice detailing how much he loves cocaine.  Christ, the amount of clueless cinematic assholes is astounding at times.

The question always with these movies is, is it so bad it’s good?  A question I always feel obligated to address and answer considering I write the resident column on bad flicks.  For almost the entire running time, aside from macho guy’s little ‘fuck your babies’ outburst I would’ve thrown this in the so bad it’s just bad category.  Then, with only 10 minutes remaining in the flick, something amazing happened that catapulted it right into so bad it’s good territory.   What could be so awesome to change my opinion completely?  This:

In the heat of the moment, one of our female human characters, in a last ditch effort to save herself, reaches into her friend’s purse and pulls out an 8 ball of coke throwing it in the bear’s face.   As you can see in the above picture, through movie magic the 8 ball has turned into a 5 pound bag.  Upon witnessing this moment I appropriately lost my shit.  Lady, you think a fucking psycho bear that is well documented on the internet as loving cocaine is going to be slowed down by this act?  You naïve, sad little person.

I don’t really have to illustrate this in many other ways.  They put up a decent fight given that they are douche bags and even showcase a little MacGyver instinct by somehow turning a golf club into a cattle prod with an iPod charger.  Not sure how the technology behind that works, but it doesn’t matter because there was cocaine thrown into the bear’s face as a defense.  That right there is worth the price of admission.

I still can‚Äôt believe I watched this.¬† I wasted a perfectly good Sunday afternoon doing this. ¬† If you’re looking for the part where all the actors names are and the director, you’re not going to find it here. ¬†IMDB that shit. ¬† I hope you‚Äôre all fucking happy.

To put it very bluntly: I have the worlds hardest boner for this game. ¬†I’m sorry that you had to picture the abomination that resides in my pants just now. ¬†However, it’s the only to properly convey just how excited I am for Bethesda’s next entry into the series, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.

This is getting way too long.  There are dragons.  Magic.  Gorgeous looking graphics and locations.  Max Von Sydow makes love to your ears and then BAM, the music unleashes a torrent of hot love that washes all over you.

Watch it.  Now.

The first trailer for Matthew Vaughn’s X-Men First Class is now on the web. ¬†If you’d like to skip the snark, scroll on down below and hit the embed up. ¬†I don’t think this teaser is bad necessarily, not even close. ¬†It’s worse. ¬†A bad trailer will make me feel something at least. ¬†This, however, did nothing. ¬† Of course my ass will still be in the seat because I still would like to see the final product of Matthew Vaughn’s retro-mutant entry into the franchise. ¬†The guy earned enough cred with me for Kick-Ass and the crminially underrated Stardust, so I have to give this a shot. ¬†Also, this has January Jones in it. ¬† Boobs.

Click the embed below!

I’ve been waiting forever it seems for something in the way of a trailer to come out for this movie. ¬†When I read about the concept ages ago, it easily found its way to #1 on my most anticipated comedies list. ¬†Danny McBride and James ‘everyone wishes he was their friend’ Franco as prince brothers saving the land in a medieval fantasy epic? ¬†Just knowing that alone, you already know this could very well be the greatest movie ever made. ¬†Add to that the fact that its written by McBride and Ben Best, directed by Pineapple Express and Eastbound and Down legend David Gordon Green, throw in Natalie Portman in a thong and you don’t even have to guess anymore. ¬†This WILL be the finest motion picture in the history of cinema and could very well make all other films completely irrelevant.

Although this is a red band trailer, which typically give a little too much away, I think we’re safe. ¬†This movie should be stuffed full of funny shit, so don’t feel guilty for watching this. ¬†Besides, there isn’t a green band trailer around to post and after watching this, it’s not hard to understand why. ¬†It’s not going to be easy for them to cut a green band that gets across the tone of the movie properly, which is probably why this got released first.

Watch this. ¬†Tell your friends. ¬†Annoy the shit out of them like I am to you right now. ¬†It’s not safe for work also, fyi.

UPDATED WITH EMBEDDED VIDEO (see bottom of post) 11-17-10

I was going to wait until I found a suitable embed to put here in the post, but the only one really making the rounds is a choppy, spanish subtitled mess that I refuse to link to here. ¬†But that’s ok, because who needs a crappy youtubed version of this beautiful trailer when you can just click right here and watch it in the holiest of all formats: Apple’s Quicktime.

Entertainment Tonight tried their best to dumb this thing down with their short preview the other day, into something stupid and silly, but thankfully the real deal is much better and more focused. ¬†I’m not going to sit here and tell you I’m the Green Lantern expert (that’d be James) but hot damn does this thing look sweet. ¬†I was already fairly hyped, but consider me ultra mega super hyped now. ¬†CLICK HERE AND WATCH RYAN REYNOLDS IN HIS UNDERWEAR.

So when I heard about this movie Frozen, thanks to a blurb from Harry Knowles awhile back, I thought the concept was ridiculous and not very terrifying at all.  3 people stranded on a ski lift?  How the hell am I supposed to get worked up about that?  I’ve never been skiing in my entire life, let alone been anywhere near a ski lift.  How could this possibly work as a horror movie?  Well it’s not a horror movie by the letter, for starters.  It’s more in the subgenre of survival terror/suspense.   I suppose you could call it, ‘Shit Situation’ horror.  The movie works amazingly well, and will most definitely leave your stomach in a hardened knot by the end.   According to the film’s Wikipedia page, there were reports of individuals fainting when it screened at Sundance due to the intensity.  I think that’s probably exaggerated bullshit, but I also wouldn’t totally rule the possibility out.  It grabs you by your balls and squeezes as hard as it can, and doesn’t really let up for almost the entire running time.

Frozen follows three main characters, Parker, Dan and Lynch, out for the weekend for some X-TREME skiing.¬† Well, everyone but Parker (Emma Bell) is up for the X-TREME stuff.¬† Parker is Dan‚Äôs girlfriend, who according to Lynch (Shawn Ashmore) is just going to slow them down and fuck up what has traditionally been a guy ski trip to this particular mountain.¬† Dan (Kevin Zegers) just wants Parker to have fun, and yet he also wants to make sure his best friend Lynch’s craving for more than just bunny hills is satiated.¬† On the last day (Sunday) of their trip, Lynch convinces Dan that they should hit the mountain one last time before it closes up until the following Friday.¬† Unfortunately, when they get to the lift, the operator is calling it a day and shutting down the mountain.¬† Through some begging and whining, they‚Äôre able to convince him to let them go up for one last run, and then he‚Äôll shut it down when they‚Äôre back safe and sound.¬† Of course, there would be no movie here if something didn‚Äôt go horribly wrong.¬† While waiting for the three to come down, the operator is relieved of his duty unexpectedly to go talk to the ski boss guy, and during all the commotion and confusion, guess what?¬† Yeah, those poor 3 bastard kids end up stuck on the lift halfway up the mountain, in the dark, alone and totally fucked.

What happens when you’re faced with a life or death situation?  You end up doing some pretty stupid things, understandably.  The movie from this point on is all about the decisions these characters make and the subsequent consequences of those decisions.  I know the trailer gives a few of these moments away, and I personally would rather not in this review.   Unless you’re completely and totally jaded, you’re going to be cringing…a fuck-ton.  I can be totally honest here and say that I didn’t even realize that there were numerous times that I was unintentionally holding my breath and didn’t notice until I exhaled violently when a particular scene was finished.  Director Adam Green does a surprisingly good job at giving the audience enough of these moments to catch their breath and reload so to speak, so they can move on to the next scene where he applies the torque to the tension wheel once again.  The acting, on the surface, is probably the most questionable part.  If you were to walk into this movie in the middle of it, you’d probably say to yourself, “who are these melodramatic idiots?  SHUT UP ALREADY”  That would in part be because they are being a tad melodramatic and for good reason.  If you’re invested in the flick, and watching from the beginning, witnessing these characters freak out doesn’t come across as overacting, but rather them being absolutely fucking terrified.  The cinematography is also truly impressive, considering for the majority of the film its above ground, swirling around a ski lift.  Because of these circumstances, there really was no way for them not to be creative about it.

It’s not a perfect movie by any means, and I can totally see horror purists writing this off.  There are no monsters, no slashers, no supernatural elements here, but this movie could possibly have you biting your nails completely off.   You may think the acting is getting a little hammy, particularly from the Dan character at times, but when you see what he ends up going through, you’ll probably understand why.  The DVD and blu-ray will be released on September 28^th and I recommend you at least rent a copy.  I’ll be picking this up in store though, as the way the movie looks and is shot fascinated me.  I want to see how they did this, and the special features on the blu-ray will be no doubt be pretty sweet.  Oh, and, it feels damn good to write a review again.  Damn good.