Sleeper Cell: Desperation (2006)

So. Imagine you’ve reached the climax (heh) of a the novel you’re reading, and the supernatural, demon bad-guy is confronted by the local law enforcement officer, and this cop opens up a can of peanuts in the demon’s face. But stay with me though. Because it’s not even a can of peanuts. It’s one of those gags where you pop the top and the spring-loaded paper snakes come shooting out into your face. Only this is a demon, so things work differently, and instead of this can being full of spring-loaded snakes, it’s actually full of a mind-over-matter-style created giant cobra! Still kinda dumb. But neat. And you can imagine it. And, at least me, I imagined it shimmering like mother-of-pearl a little, with a giant hood, and a flickering tongue (like Jaffar). But whatever, ’cause it’s a horror novel, and crazy-ass stuff happens in horror novels. Of course, now imagine it’s a movie. And it’s not even a b-movie. It’s got A-list actors like Ed Harris and Max von Sydow. And imagine Ed Harris screaming at Max von Sydow and then … opening up a can of peanuts with a giant snake in it. hm…ayuh.

To paraphrase, Stephen King just doesn’t work on the big screen. He just doesn’t. You can argue Shawshank, Green Mile and Misery all you want, but we all know that’s not what people think when they think “Stephen King.” We think of a monster clown eating children and a drunk schoolteacher haunted into trying to kill his family. Even a cowboy from some alternate dimension trying to shoot a 50 foot tall mechanical bear. See what I mean? So these next few reviews will be of small(ish) screen adaptations of the work of Stephen King that, while probably not that great, are definitely among my favorites.

But then…

The elusive Richard Bachman

…enters Mick Garris. I have a love/hate/reallyhate relationship with Mick Garris. And it’s really all my fault. I’m a huge Stephen King fan (just like everyone else), and his novels are crazy fun to read. But Mr. Michael Alan Garris can’t help but to try to make them into horrible horrible made for t.v. miniseries. And even though he continues to fail with incredible fanfare, I can’t help but believe Stephen King sits back in his beautiful home with his beautiful wife and loves it all. Lil Stevie was born in 1950 under the sign of the Tiger. And when he was 11, he went with his older brother to see Vincent Price in the Roger Corman classic, The Pit and the Pendulum. This stinker of a movie was written by the amazingly, great horror novelist Richard Matheson based on the Edgar Allan Poe short story of the same name. And in his 2000 memoir On Writing, King blames The Pit and the Pendulum for creating in him the desire to write. He quickly made his own “novelization” of the movie and sold it at school for a few cents per copy. Of course, it got him in trouble, but the damage was done. And considering the fact that this pretty bad b-grade movie (Trust me. It’s awful. I’d review here in the Sleeper Cell, but considering that I’m also a huge fan of Richard Matheson (mainly his novels I Am Legend, Hell House and What Dreams May Come) and the great Vinny Price, I just wouldn’t be able to bring myself to say anything negative about either of them), it’s not surprising at all that King would also love b-grade movies slapped together based on his own stories. And honestly, I see where he’s coming from. But, as I am not a mega rich author with a billion copies of my books being read by the Queen of England or the Pope, I can say that Mick Garris’ adaptations of Stephen King’s great novels like The Stand or Sleepwalkers or The Shining are just plain bad. But then there’s Desperation.

And even though I love Desperation, there’s no confusing this movie with Shawshank or Green Mile or Misery. And it’s not that Mick Garris is a bad director. He just isn’t a director (as I understand the word). He sets up a set, puts actors in it with a script, points cameras at them and films whatever happens. The Stand is pretty epically bad. Even though I have a soft spot for it, there’s no way you can turn that amazing novel about the end of the world (and its subsequent beginning) into anything vaguely resembling a decent movie. Even if you make it 6 hours long and actually get King to write the script. I also have a soft spot for Garris’ early work on Critters 2: The Main Course, but that don’t make it a good movie. But screw all this setup nonsense.

Desperation is cool. It’s definitely b-movie – it’s a made for t.v. miniseries for the love of god. But with actors like the ultimate badass Viper (Tom Skerritt), Steven Weber (of “Wings”), and E.T.‘s Henry Thomas, how could you not get something entertaining? And really, Garris’ talents for telling his cameramen to turn on their cameras is all you need. It’s a few actors running around an abandoned town playing pretend that some hideous evil entity from beyond time itself is stalking them by taking over the bodies of people who they may have once trusted. And Skerritt and company all have skeletons a-plenty in their closets for the evil demon Tak to exploit.

The sweet Lillian NOT responsible for any ruination

And even Annabeth Gish (co-star of SLC Punk who is not related (by blood) to the silent film stars Lillian and Dorothy Gish – more exactly, Annabeth’s (born Anne Elizabeth Gish) grandmother is named Lillian Gish, but this Lillian never acted. Annabeth is related to the silent film stars distantly … and by marriage) who damn near single-handedly derailed the greatest television series of all time: bumbumbumbummmmmm! THE X-FILES, with her psychic-when-it’s-convenient Monica Reyes (which has me wondering … based on Daphne’s sporadic mysticism in the “Frasier” sitcom and Raven’s intermittent visions in Disney’s “That’s So Raven,” why the hell don’t psychic t.v. characters pan out? I’m not calling into question “The Ghost Whisperer,” since everyone knows what keeps that show on the air. Jamie Kennedy and Jay Mohr. Obviously) couldn’t ruin this sweet sweet example of made-for-t.v. goodness.

the secrets of spooky success

So enter our hero (for a few minutes at least) in good ol’ Henry “I-saw-what-they-saw” Thomas. And sure, E.T. is one of the greatest movies of all time, and sure, The Blue Heelers were a pretty cool band back in the 90s, but he doesn’t exactly lend star power these days. All in all, consider me a Henry Thomas fan. Anyway, he gets pulled over in the Nevada desert with his girlfriend riding shotgun (the lovely Annabeth) by the sunbaked, perpetual badass, Ron Perlman – as the local law enforcer, Collie Entragian. And I swear to god, King chooses the coolest, north-iest last names ever. And dammit if ol’ Collie ain’t possessed by a friggin’ demon. Collie, possessed by Tak, takes his two new-found prisoners to the wee little town of Desperation. BUMBUMBUMBUMMMMMMMM! See, Tak is a demon – am I going too fast? And he was unearthed a long time ago by some Chinese slave laborers, and he wrecked some damn good shop on whitey running the mines. But he got sealed up, see? (<– That’s supposed to be in like prohibition-era gangster voice. And for no reason. It just makes my wife laugh when I do that voice). And now, of course, industrial mining has set the bastard loose again. Not sure if this is spoilery or not… eh. Not like you’re rushing out this instant to check it. But it was just on television again a few days ago. Sci-fi channel (sorry, SYFY. …whatever) I think? But Tak isn’t quite corporeal just yet. He needs human bodies to get along. But we’re just so damn weak! So one by one, it’s using the small band of humans left alive in the sleepy berg to live while it finds a way to live on its own. Oh No!

Prelude? ...or Nocturne?

But again, remember, this isn’t great, it’s just fun. And has some cute chick wearing Neil Gaiman’s Sandman on a t-shirt. Bonus! But it is fun, and really, has me wondering what other Stephen King movies are on the horizon…
See, Stephen King has one of the greatest traditions in the movie world – you can make a movie based on any one of his stories, he doesn’t care, but, you have to send him 1 dollar (American if you please), and a copy of the film. And as you could probably guess, he’s a favorite muse of college film students. And as a matter of fact, two of his short stories, “The Man Who Loved Flowers” (from Night Shift) and “Cain Rose Up” (from Skeleton Crew) have both recently been adapted into short films. As for his novels, From a Buick 8 (about an pan-dimensional car-monster) and Bag of Bones (a traditional scary as hell ghost story) are both being turned into t.v. miniseries. “Bag of Bones” is being directed by (you guessed it!) Mick Garris. And then of course the lengthy novel The Talisman, written with Peter Straub, is also being turned into a miniseries (like I said, King likes ‘em corny) … eventually. Imdb tells me to wait for 2012. And I can do that. Not like I’m not waiting for others right? So Get In Line Now! Because for those of you who are like me and cannot plan too far ahead, be sure to note that the new Kevin James comedy The Zookeeper is only 345 days away!

sweeeeeeeeeet!

Recent posts by Zack

• Review: Another Earth (2011) - August 14th, 2011
• Sleeper Cell: Haute Tension (2003) - June 23rd, 2011
• Sleeper Cell: Nochnoy Dozor (2004) - April 14th, 2011
• Liberated News Chapter 1: Viva la Revolucion! - April 4th, 2011
• Sleeper Cell: Los Cronocrimenes (2007) - March 25th, 2011

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