For Your Consideration: If You Honestly Want to See The Smurfs Movie, Get Bent!

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Jun 212010
 

I bet you assholes thought you were going to get away with no post today, huh?  WRONG.

So I saw this trailer earlier and I really don’t know what to say. ¬†I know it was released last week so even if you’ve seen it, please take a moment to refresh your memory-

I can’t believe this is something that’s real, people. ¬†A¬†Smurfs¬†movie. ¬†Smurfs!¬†MOVIE! ¬†How in the hell does such a thing happen? ¬†How socially relevant are the Smurfs at this point? ¬†Yeah, yeah, this coming from the dude that praised The A-Team and professes things unmentionable regarding 13 Going On 30 every god damned week. ¬†But none of that crap makes me feel as exploited as this trailer.

So where to start… ¬†Well someone clearly is already trying to make an “event” out of what was a Saturday morning cartoon. Maybe the fact it originated in such a manner shouldn’t be held against it, but I can’t help put temper my expectations regarding the Smurfs as opposed to something like Transformers. ¬†I mean, one has a bunch of goofy blue dwarves farming and what not and the other has half naked women and machines blowing shit up like crazy. ¬†Farming vs. Fire… Hrmmm, I wonder which one feels more like “an event.” ¬†I know certain assholes love farming. ¬†Most people like that fire shit just fine. ¬†Oh I’m sure director Raja Gosnell will find a way to force a fireball in this Smurfs movie. ¬†But I’m certain it will come off a lot more forced than say ANYTHING MICHAEL BAY HAS EVER DONE.

And I love how Neil Patrick Harris starts off the trailer. ¬†It’s as if what ever douche producer was in charge of marketing was like, “Man, get NPH to say something cool at the start of the trailer so we can win over the people waffling on how many times they’re going to see this movie.” ¬†I’m serious, the fact that they showed Doogie actually made me think for a minute, “This can’t be bad, friggin’ NPH is onboard.” ¬†Then about twenty seconds in I remembered the following equation-

The amount of footage in your teaser trailer + color-themed bullshit propaganda is directly proportional to just how shitty this movie will be.

And then they have the balls to actually tell us it’s going to be in 3D. ¬†I mean seriously, was anyone even thinking for a minute that this garbage wasn’t going to be on Hollywood’s latest bandwagon? ¬†Oh man, that whole Mount Rushmore thing had me thinking this was a joke but now that I know it’s in three-dee it might be legit! I know this was in my title but I’ve had a few drinks and I can’t think of anything better- get bent!
 
I’ve known about this movie for a while and I didn’t care but then I see some crap like this and I’ll be honest, as if you couldn’t tell, it made me a little angry. ¬†I am all for exploitative cinema but this does nothing but force money to fly out of the masses who grew up watching and loving The Smurfs. ¬†It’s not fan service, it’s complete trash. ¬†That said, am I going to see this? Good lord yes! ¬†If just 59 seconds could purge this much hatred from my fingertips, I can only imagine what 88 minutes of this shit would force me to write.

 

I’ll see you July 29th, 2011 at the nearest multiplex. ¬†Wearing my 3D glasses.

 

Recent posts by Dustin

 Posted by Dustin at 9:19 pm  Tagged with: , , , , , , , ,
  • http://www.mediabreach.com Adam

    BREAKING NEWS: The Media Breach hates the American farmer.

    but seriously, I'm right there with ya. I didn't believe I would actually get angry before seeing the teaser, but sure enough, I did. I wish I wasn't so prone to letting shit like this get under my skin. The 3D tag at the end sent me into a flying nerd rage though. Fuck me.

  • http://twitter.com/GeoffKnox Geoff Knox

    Step 1: Go see this movie at your local Alamo Drafthouse
    Step 2: Drink each time you hear the word “smurf” or some variation thereof
    Step 3: Win

    You can either hurl in disgust when the movie is over or just do it to make room for more beer. Either way, this is a movie “experience” that you will cherish… until you sober up.

    For bonus points, do the above at a matinee showing.

  • meowmix

    Okay, you know I don't know much about cinema, though I doubt most would question if the Smurfs movie is legitimate cinema. From what I understand, talks about making the movie came years ago, but we all know how movies get delayed for years. Part of it was some sort of anniversary celebration, go back two Thanksgiving ago at the Macy's Day parade, there was a Smurf balloon, in promotion of the plans of the movie, and again the longevity. By then the first season of the series was about to be released on DVD, which I bought. Austraila got all 13+ series on DVD already. It made me watch the Day parade just for that alone, afterwards I slept. The parts being played by the actors/actresses had not been decided as a whole. I think Katy Perry had just made a splash then, but she's old news, if they went with someone today it would be someone different, someone affordable like Ke$ha or someone else.
    Back to the movie, is it going to be awesome, no. Will it be enjoyable, yes I believe. I'm a sucker for nostalgia though, no, I'm insane for nostalgia. It more than likely will not bring on many new fans, it didn't for Scooby Doo, or Garfield, dare I say Transformers too?
    I'm not that excited about the cast, George Lopez it such a loser, but I'll put up with it. Smurfs are Belgium BTW.
    So I'll be seeing it with some pleasure, and I'm hoping for the best.
    Also, no mention of Azreal? WTF! If it was in the trailor I didn't see it, dial-up user here, did I mention I'm insane for nostalgia?
    Meowmix

  • James

    Oh goddammit fuck; they used fucking “wild thing” in the trailer. I thought we stopped doing that in the 90's, people.

    Besides that, I don't really care one way or another about this being made. I mean, all of us here should just face it: we're at the age that our childhood cartoons are going to exploited ad nauseum and the only way we can fight this bullshit is by not buying a ticket or a dvd/blu ray.

    That said, I'm willing to fall on the sword for this one. Fuck, I'll even take 3 apples to make sure they got their height right. I don't fuck around.

  • http://www.mediabreach.com Dustin

    Dude, I am more than willing to do this with the eventual DVD. If I do any sort of thing like this in public, it will end with The Wife bailing me out of jail.

  • http://twitter.com/GeoffKnox Geoff Knox

    If you try it on baby day, no one will even notice. :)

  • James

    This guy's plans; I like them.

   
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