Sex and the City 2

“Sucks in the City Takes a Number Two”

Picture it: Cold, dark theatre, opening credits begin, drinks and food in place and Sex and the City’s biggest fan (a.k.a. me) sitting with her arms crossed, scowling at the loud, gaudy mess that is Sex and the City 2. I’ve been disappointed and heartbroken before by many men, but never …EVER…have I had my heart and soul ripped from my body, thrown in a garbage disposal and fed to the hobo on the street the way writer/producer/director Michael Patrick King has done. It is my belief that Mr. King has safely secured his placement in hell when he began making this movie. I am a huge fan of the Sex and the City television series. I own every season on DVD and have just about every single episode memorized. It’s a clever, witty show and to me has always been ahead of the curve when it comes to fashion. In fact, costume designer Patricia Field was a huge influence in my decision to study fashion design. So just realize that I know my shit, and I’m not pulling complaints out of my ass when I say these things.

If you read any reviews or have watched any trailers it‚Äôs no surprise to you that the movie opens with a big gay wedding. No, I‚Äôm not being silly here; it is actually a gay wedding between Carrie and Charlotte’s two gay BFFs, Stanford¬†¬†and Anthony, respectively. Right off the bat I knew this movie was going nowhere good, because throughout the entire series the two hated each other. HATED, I say. Why are they getting married?! And why is their wedding an explosion of white noise puke shit?? In the show Anthony was a wedding planner!¬†¬†Well, don‚Äôt you worry because ass face MPK (Michael Patrick King) has Anthony explain to the gals that he and Stanford have an agreement that Stanford could have the wedding of his dreams as long as Anthony was allowed to have all the affairs his little heart/penis desires. From the first five minutes I already knew my world was crumbling down around me.

So what’s this movie about? What’s the storyline? THERE IS NO STORYLINE. Each woman has her own little struggle that somehow manages to tie in to the others.  While this used to be done oh-so-cleverly in the tv show to kind of unite them as friends, in the movie it just makes the four of them look like one big whiny vagina. Maybe it’s the desert heat of Abu Dhabi where the movie takes place that makes them so irritable, but fuck, they had nothing nice to say about anything! It doesn’t even matter why they’re in Abu Dhabi, they’re just there and they’re just complaining about it.

Miranda bitches about work. She’s a partner in a law firm filled with old cranky white men that know she won’t sleep with them to further her career. Needless to say her boss hates her and she misinterprets this as discrimination for “being a strong woman with a voice.” So she quits.

Charlotte bitches about her kids. You know, the kids she spent six seasons pissing and moaning that she wanted so badly. There’s something about her jiggly breasted nanny where she‚Äôs afraid her husband will have an affair, yadda yadda. At some point she falls off a camel and gets massive camel toe. A ‚Äúsand-wedge‚Äù joke is made. Charlotte and Miranda have a mommy night where they share a cocktail and have a bitchfest about how miserable their children can be. They commemorate this Hallmark moment with a toast to ‚Äúall women who don‚Äôt have nannies. How do they do it?!‚Äù Well, they shut the fuck up and just do it, that‚Äôs how.

Samantha’s having hot flashes because she’s in menopause. This is made clear to the audience about every other scene because she apparently is the only woman in her 50’s experiencing this phenomenon. Did you also know that you lose the urge to fuck while in menopause? News to me! Good thing Samantha sadly ogles several half dressed men and continually points at her crotch while making a sad face to illustrate how awful it is to be her. Somehow Samantha is cured of her ailment the second she meets Dick Spert or whatever his name is (Rickard Spirit, actually).  He’s some Danish bagel architect staying at their hotel that Sam has so endearingly nicknamed “Lawrence of my Labia.”

Carrie is two years into her marriage with Mr. Big and has begun to notice they are slowly losing their spark. She is the first married person this has ever happened to, by the way. So it’s only natural that fate places her face to face with her ex-fiancé, Aidan, in the middle of some spice rack thing in Abu Dhabi. Honestly, at this point I went to the restroom, checked my Facebook and called my dad. The fun part in this story is that when Aidan and Carrie dated back in season three, Carrie had an affair with Big that obviously ended their relationship. How full circle of MPK to have Carrie cheat on Big with Aidan ten years later. And when I say cheat I mean they kissed for like 3 Mississippi’s. Carrie is just so sick about it she calls Big and confesses. He’s pissed and hangs up, because you know he hasn’t dicked her around for 6 seasons or anything. So she’s left to torture herself the rest of the trip.

It’s not even the weak ass story lines that pissed me off the most. It was the fact that cheese dick MPK insulted my intelligence by assuming I haven’t picked up a newspaper in 10+ years. He puts these four women in the middle of a country where their gaudiness and slutty antics do nothing but insult an entire culture. All they did was bitch about how hard it was to be them, because they were strong women trying to survive in a male-centric society. Maybe if they got their heads out from under those god awful hats they were wearing they would have noticed the other women wearing burkas and walking ten paces behind the men. I think it’s nice to know why we’re in the middle of a war with this part of the world- American women are assholes.  I’d also like to point out the lack of sensitivity towards the recession our country is currently experiencing. At some point in the movie they are kicked out of their complimentary hotel suites and must pay for their room if they want to stay. God forbid they actually come up with $5500 each to pitch in for their $22,000/night suite. They probably could have just pawned one of those hideous dresses they were forced to wear. I looked it up, and those dresses could have bought them an entire week including the four cars they were given to ride around in. I read somewhere that global warming is just a myth anyway, so sharing a car to preserve energy was unnecessary. Let’s not forget the funny shenanigans they get in to rush to the airport, because they certainly wouldn’t want to be late and get demoted to coach.

Needless to say, (spoiler alerts) each of their petty grievances are resolved by the end. Miranda gets a new job. Charlotte missed her kids and jiggly breasted nanny is actually a lesbian. Samantha finally fucks Dick Spert. Big was never really mad at Carrie. He was just making her stew in her own guilt for a few days to teach her a lesson. They kiss, recite some vows and he gives her a black diamond as a promise that they will never lose their spark. I’m pretty sure my favorite part in that scene was when I burped and it tasted like vomit.The only good news I have to report is that none of the women get naked this time. Thank God! Time has done a number on the fab four. It truly is a small victory for the audience.

Don’t see this movie. As a die-hard fan of the SATC franchise I felt let down and insulted. I really couldn’t roll my eyes hard enough. If you’re really looking for a good time, might I suggest heading down to the red box with your girlfriends, boyfriend, whoever; rent Flicka and perform at-home pap smears/enemas on one another. You’re welcome.

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