Apr 012010

GooniesIt’s been 25 years since The Goonies released and became an instant classic. I remember watching the film over and over while growing up in the 80s and nary a cloudy day occurs that I don’t recall the dark, Oregon exteriors throughout its first act. The universe created by The Goonies and it’s vastly superior video game sequel are ripe for the proverbial picking, with character and adventure to spare. Rumors run rampant each year of sequel talk, even with the cast playing a sort of paternal role to a new generation of Gooners.

Well my friends, you can stop all that worrying. The wait is over.

Disclosed to The Breach by a super exclusive source, Warner Bros. has struck a deal with Producer Neal H. Moritz (The Fast and the Furious franchise) and original Director Richard Donner to resurrect The Goonies for a new generation. Promised are your favorite characters- Chunk, Data, Mouth, Brandon along with his brother Mikey and, of course, Sloth. Also on the docket is the original story, now divided into a cliffhanger fashion spread across four films that will be produced concurrently. Plans slate the shoot to take place in the same beach town of the original to try and evoke a similar atmosphere as I mentioned above (!). In addition, and likely for the better, the whole affair is promised to be a grittier and more realistic portrayal of the epic search for One-Eyed Willy’s treasure, as it’s already been revealed that the first film deals with the aftermath of Data being tragically killed while testing a grappling hook designed from soda straws.

shiaAll of that is moot, however. The biggest news for this Goonies fanboy is who they’ve chosen to take over the powerful role of Mikey. None other than Transformers veteran Shia LaBeouf will step into the same shoes Samwise Gamgee made legendary. Moritz says of the landmark casting move, “We think the die hard Goonies fans will fawn over Shia as the bumbling but charming Mikey. The first time I saw him use the inhaler during his audition, I was so moved I blew a hole in my trousers. We knew immediately that this was the new face of The Goonies franchise and there’s no turning back!”

Donner chimed in during the private press conference held for me in my mom’s basement by explaining his attraction to revisiting a project he oversaw so many years ago. He saw the huge success of the Twilight films and realized the potential of a comparative franchise for the male demographic. “To not have The Goonies in this day and age is a travesty. At the same time, you’ve got this entire male audience, especially Adam, who can’t appreciate these Twilight flicks because, quite frankly, they don’t have female genitalia. I mean, it seems so simple and yet no one’s thought of this. So here we are.”

This is a great move as a lot of the negative reactions to the original film concerned the flawless and happy-go-lucky nature the characters possessed throughout. I mean seriously, are you going to be as happy as Mikey when your dad can’t even make enough scratch to pay the bills? We need more realistic portrayals of broken adolescence and thankfully mope-fests like Twilight and Remember Me have ushered in the era where we finally take youth seriously in cinema.

goonies_slothAs if you weren’t already adorned with a raging nerd boner, word has it that much like Warner Bros’ epic Clash of the Titans remake being released this week, you can expect to see Sloth’s snaggle-tooth grill in full 3D. The decision has already been made to shoot the entire film on broadcast quality high definition cameras, translate the frame rate comparable to film, and then convert that master to three dimensions. An anonymous company in India will be overseeing the 3D conversion process. They won the business for The Goonies: Chunk’s Women during a presentation to Donner and Moritz of their 3D conversion reel. Regarding the demonstration, Donner reflected that he wasn’t convinced at first. ”I’d seen some 3D conversion and thought it was, for the most part, really off putting. Then these guys showed up with the first two reels of Ernest Goes to Camp converted into 3D, and I literally shit myself. I mean, it’s like watching that movie for the first time. And with any luck, we’ll have the same jaw dropping reaction with our audiences in the summer of 2011.”

Well, I wish I could disclose more but we’ll have to wait until our embargo is lifted closer to release. A set visit is in the works as long as I can convince my dad to mow the yard during that week. As always, we’d love to hear your reactions below.

So stoked!

Editor’s note: not that this should be a necessary explanation, but this was in fact an April Fool’s Joke.

In 2010.

  • http://www.mediabreach.com Adam

    WTF?? Who the hell thought this was a good idea? Enough LaBeouf !

  • James

    Fuckin' 5D Octopus scene, yesssss!!!!!! It was more scary, more dangerous.

  • desireerose

    I blew a HOLE in my trousers?! —- actually i think they're forgoing the whole 3D movie idea and just staging 1000s of live performances in amphitheaters across the nation! what a world!

  • http://www.mediabreach.com Adam

    WTF?? Who the hell thought this was a good idea? Enough LaBeouf !

  • James

    Fuckin' 5D Octopus scene, yesssss!!!!!! It was more scary, more dangerous.

  • desireerose

    I blew a HOLE in my trousers?! —- actually i think they're forgoing the whole 3D movie idea and just staging 1000s of live performances in amphitheaters across the nation! what a world!

  • Jay

    just check the date of this article!…

  • http://www.mediabreach.com Dustin


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  • Dave

    Ah there we go then, another childhood memory ruined for me! Haha.

    • http://www.facebook.com/Rinne211 Corinne Sommer

      this is what i said !

  • http://www.mediabreach.com Dustin

    Nah, dude. It will be way better than the original.

    • Jimmie Northern

      that what she said

  • alex

    fuck this noise. if its not broke don't hire LaBarf to fix it, let alone anyone else. enough remakes.

    • bernice

      I totally agree every remake they made of 80s movies are a fail keep the originals original im 17 &my dad got me alot of 80s originals and i think the are the best just leave goonies alone or i will kill them

    • http://www.facebook.com/Rinne211 Corinne Sommer


  • alex

    Wrong, this movie will blow, asshole.

  • http://www.mediabreach.com Dustin

    If it was just one comment I would think you were in on this month old joke. That said, you'd do well to read the editor's note at the end of the article.

  • http://www.mediabreach.com Dustin

    No you're the a-hole, mr. poopy pants!

    • Darren

      No your the poo pants, nob rot

  • mary

    the fans of Rocky Horror Picture Show protested the remake and the studio caved and said they won't do a remake. We NEED to do the same thing

  • http://www.mediabreach.com Dustin

    Comments like this are why I love the movies.

  • Jsebesty

    This is the worst f'n idea in the world! Just re-release the original instead of destroying a perfectly good film. Shia sucks. He helped in the raping of Indiana Jones.

  • Cookie

    I agree…blew a hole in your trousers for Shia? Gadz. Remaking the Goonies might be something to someone who would shit in their pants over Ernst Goes to Camp…but come on. More realistic portrayals of youth? Twilight is made up of actors that have ODd on botox and think the world owes them a favor. That's not realistic. It's not acting. People go to the movies to forget their cares, not to have them rubbed in. If anything is going to be done with the Goonies, do it in 3D and rerelease it in theaters with all the deleted scenes included. If they really do remake this movie, I'm going to blow a hole in my own trousers, and not out of happiness.

  • guest

    he is to old for that part!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! will not watch

  • Cwill08618

    this was a gud movie lov to see a remake

  • Brodiusmarcy


  • Muckdawg24

    Please don’t make this movie.

  • Goonie for life

    What?! Data, dead?! The hell?! There’s only one way to do this movie, a sequel with the original cast, all grown up. No children, no children’s children, just the original cast. You know why? Because those kids who watched the original are…all grown up too. I’m an adult, I want to see the adult Goonies go on another adventure and be there every step of the way as I did in 1984.

    • http://www.mediabreach.com Dustin

      Nearly a year later and clearly people don’t read the entire post…

    • Misshat

      This was such a good April Fools joke, I’m glad you left it up. Just used it to get a friend of mine who is totally anti-remake. Hilarious!

    • Goonieverse

      Nailed it.

      I’m voting you for president!

    • http://www.facebook.com/Rinne211 Corinne Sommer

      this is the greatest idea,

    • SeverusSpliffz


  • charly

    so does anyone know when the ‘The Goonies’ remake is going to be realeased?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kitty-Thompson/100001515849722 Kitty Thompson

    This is already a disater WTF are you people thinking quit remaking and butchering classics and come up with new ideas!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kitty-Thompson/100001515849722 Kitty Thompson

    This is already a disater WTF are you people thinking quit remaking and butchering classics and come up with new ideas!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Niceandnaughtyteamster

    Shia Lebouf is a great actor but way to old for the party of mikey his role was the glue that kept the cast of charaters together because of the age difference between the two groups of kid teen and pre teen then there was the fact that his imagination is what inspired the group to go on the adventure. Shia could do the role of brandon since the age would be closer to him!!!!!!!

  • Niceandnaughtyteamster

    Oh my god you can not kill off Data………. His iventions were what saved the group let alone help them get to the treasure. You can’t kill him off its just not right……..

    • http://www.mediabreach.com Dustin

      It’s a necessary death.

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  • Societyburning

    Are u effing serious!? Hollywood is full of such failures they cant do anything but remake someone elses ideas, this is crap! Goonies is a classic, stop stealing scripts to make money! All that’s out now a days is remakes of movies,tv shows and comic books cuz they have a pre existing fan base Hollywood knows they can bank on , remakes and sequels ruin movies that were made great the 1st time around.

    • http://www.mediabreach.com Dustin

      We love you.

  • Mackenzie


    • http://www.mediabreach.com Dustin

      Yup, real life. Cuz we keep it mad real round these parts.

  • Slh032387

    Will always love and prefer the original Goonies. On the other hand looking somewhat forward to the updated movie for this generation of kids

  • Kingteb

    if they throw out shia, the movie might have a chance

  • Marley_dub

    Why make a new one when the first one is good enough. If your smart you will know it wont be a classic like the first. Dont waste your money!

  • Leonel361

    How the fuck are they gonna kill Data. He’s wad one of the funniest in the movie. There stupid if they do that

  • Sierra

    This is bullshit. 3D and Labeouf? Blasphemy to everything awesome and 80’s about this movie.

  • Johnacurtis

    Whoever does this should all be sent to death row for murder of a classic !!!!

  • Mandy21miranda

    I’m young and thanks to my grandparents I love the original! This movie is a classic and I will not be getting/ seeing this!

  • Jazzneal5

    Great take another great movie and ruin it. Movie producers have absolutly no creativity left

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_K6VLYTX6EYLUZ3NAMPVUWT7RRY Jason

    LaBeouf has managed to ruin Transformers, Indiana Jones, and Wall Street.  Can someone please stop this man before he destroys all of my childhood favorite shows and movies?  

  • Yes Fuck You Adam

    Well this was written in 2010 and here we are in 2012. No remake. Obviously this was bullshit.

    • Guest

      if you’d bothered to read it cunt you’d realize this was an april fool

  • Ngutierres126

    Use more original actors update it don’t change it. That is how classics are ruined

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  • Nick Knight

    I’ve already cast this remake. If Hollywood is smart, they’ll consider my choices here. I think I did pretty well, matching the new actors to the old. Take a look: http://www.listal.com/list/the-goonies

  • http://www.facebook.com/angel.krell Angel Wilson

    I would diffenately prefer original cast.. Just sayin. They deserve that much.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=819770050 Sean Chevalier

    The original was great. A remake can be Just as great if not better. No one is forcing you to watch it. Grow up.

  • wicked g

    Finaly they wake up this classic will it be a classic again will see

  • Jinny Thornton

    Looking back it shows what a bunch of fake bullshit the internet is!!!

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