It’s been 25 years since The Goonies released and became an instant classic. I remember watching the film over and over while growing up in the 80s and nary a cloudy day occurs that I don’t recall the dark, Oregon exteriors throughout its first act. The universe created by The Goonies and it’s vastly superior video game sequel are ripe for the proverbial picking, with character and adventure to spare. Rumors run rampant each year of sequel talk, even with the cast playing a sort of paternal role to a new generation of Gooners.
Well my friends, you can stop all that worrying. The wait is over.
Disclosed to The Breach by a super exclusive source, Warner Bros. has struck a deal with Producer Neal H. Moritz (The Fast and the Furious franchise) and original Director Richard Donner to resurrect The Goonies for a new generation. Promised are your favorite characters- Chunk, Data, Mouth, Brandon along with his brother Mikey and, of course, Sloth. Also on the docket is the original story, now divided into a cliffhanger fashion spread across four films that will be produced concurrently. Plans slate the shoot to take place in the same beach town of the original to try and evoke a similar atmosphere as I mentioned above (!). In addition, and likely for the better, the whole affair is promised to be a grittier and more realistic portrayal of the epic search for One-Eyed Willy’s treasure, as it’s already been revealed that the first film deals with the aftermath of Data being tragically killed while testing a grappling hook designed from soda straws.
All of that is moot, however. The biggest news for this Goonies fanboy is who they’ve chosen to take over the powerful role of Mikey. None other than Transformers veteran Shia LaBeouf will step into the same shoes Samwise Gamgee made legendary. Moritz says of the landmark casting move, “We think the die hard Goonies fans will fawn over Shia as the bumbling but charming Mikey. The first time I saw him use the inhaler during his audition, I was so moved I blew a hole in my trousers. We knew immediately that this was the new face of The Goonies franchise and there’s no turning back!”
Donner chimed in during the private press conference held for me in my mom’s basement by explaining his attraction to revisiting a project he oversaw so many years ago. He saw the huge success of the Twilight films and realized the potential of a comparative franchise for the male demographic. “To not have The Goonies in this day and age is a travesty. At the same time, you’ve got this entire male audience, especially Adam, who can’t appreciate these Twilight flicks because, quite frankly, they don’t have female genitalia. I mean, it seems so simple and yet no one’s thought of this. So here we are.”
This is a great move as a lot of the negative reactions to the original film concerned the flawless and happy-go-lucky nature the characters possessed throughout. I mean seriously, are you going to be as happy as Mikey when your dad can’t even make enough scratch to pay the bills? We need more realistic portrayals of broken adolescence and thankfully mope-fests like Twilight and Remember Me have ushered in the era where we finally take youth seriously in cinema.
As if you weren’t already adorned with a raging nerd boner, word has it that much like Warner Bros’ epic Clash of the Titans remake being released this week, you can expect to see Sloth’s snaggle-tooth grill in full 3D. The decision has already been made to shoot the entire film on broadcast quality high definition cameras, translate the frame rate comparable to film, and then convert that master to three dimensions. An anonymous company in India will be overseeing the 3D conversion process. They won the business for The Goonies: Chunk’s Women during a presentation to Donner and Moritz of their 3D conversion reel. Regarding the demonstration, Donner reflected that he wasn’t convinced at first. ”I’d seen some 3D conversion and thought it was, for the most part, really off putting. Then these guys showed up with the first two reels of Ernest Goes to Camp converted into 3D, and I literally shit myself. I mean, it’s like watching that movie for the first time. And with any luck, we’ll have the same jaw dropping reaction with our audiences in the summer of 2011.”
Well, I wish I could disclose more but we’ll have to wait until our embargo is lifted closer to release. A set visit is in the works as long as I can convince my dad to mow the yard during that week. As always, we’d love to hear your reactions below.
Editor’s note: not that this should be a necessary explanation, but this was in fact an April Fool’s Joke.