Adam’s Crawl Space: Beer For My Horses

Let me preface the review by saying that I am not a fan of Toby Keith. I would rather hear the death rattle of my only child then listen to his music. Quit hyperventilating, I could say worse. Alright no I can’t, but at least I stole that line from David Cross, you can direct your hate towards him for that one. It’s the truth though, Keith’s trailer version of ‘get money/fuck bitches’, which I believe goes something like, ‘drive a truck/sleep with hookers’ grates on me something fierce. There is nothing redeeming about this guy as a musician or as an actor. This movie is proof that he’s the cinematic equivalent of a truck full of shit.

That being said, I’m going to have to recommend that all of you watch this movie. I don’t think I’ve seen a movie that is this blatantly bugnuts insane in a long while. You’re probably thinking exactly what I was, “A Toby Keith movie? No thanks, I’d rather hop in a Delorean, go back in time and let Jeffrey Dahmer cut me into pieces. After he had sex with my corpse.” I was right there with you guys on that, but there’s only so much legitimate cinema I can take before something like this, the greatest story ever filmed, comes along and changes my life forever.

Rack (Keith) is a small town deputy sheriff (big fucking surprise) who is accompanied at all times by his faithful and possibly mentally handicapped partner Lonnie played appropriately by idiotic country comedian Rodney Carrington. I don’t want to ruin the intricacies of the plot, but rest assured it involves a Mexican drug cartel, kidnapped girlfriends, trucks, Booger from Revenge of the Nerds, Tom Skerritt, and Ted Nugent. Nugent, get this, is also a deputy whose badge is tattooed on his chest and he sits around sharpening knives all day and never speaks. Aside from the mute aspect of his character, it’s pretty right on to what that crazy bastard is like in real life. Did I mention there’s also a scene in which Rodney Carrington sings ‘Shout’ in a men’s rest area bathroom accompanied by a group of gangsters. While urinating, of course.

There might be a few of you out there that still aren’t quite sold, and I understand that. Would Ted Nugent firing 2 fully automatic weapons into the air while Cat Scratch Fever plays over the soundtrack change your mind? How about our heroes getting help from a traveling caravan of carnies led by Willie Nelson? That’s right, Willie fuckin’ Nelson. Or maybe Toby Keith diving and shooting in a Mexican shootout Max Payne style? Ahhh, see, now you’re on board aren’t you? I thought so. Don’t forget there’s also a farting police dog. No redneck comedy is complete without a farting dog.

The movie is not all roses and farting dogs. Although it does have an amazingly original story, a razor sharp script, and several hilariously racist scenes, the movie is also really, really bad. Watching Toby Keith kiss Claire Forlani made me feel so, so dirty. It’s like I was hiding behind a tree in the forest watching Sasquatch make out with a sex doll. This scene was almost as romantic as I Spit on Your Grave, but not quite as sexy. Two apes pleasuring each other would be hotter than this. Ok I’m done, I swear.

I can’t decide what my favorite line of the movie was. It’s either, “Hey buddy, we still goin’ pig huntin’?” or “”I got you something, baby. I wrapped up a pair of underwear in my pants”. It’s just so hard to pick one, honestly. I’ll let you guys be the judge, post your pick in the comment section. Oh, and that pig hunting? That’s not some empty threat, Keith and Carrington actually do attempt to pig hunt. Sadly, they don’t actually shoot anything, but seeing each of them “hunting” while drinking Bud Light was good enough for me. If Toby Keith wasn’t much of a role model before this movie, he no doubt will be after the kids see him throwing back a couple of pisswaters while tracking down defenseless pigs with a shotgun.

This movie is a true celebration of all things trailer trash. The entire thing plays out like one of his songs. He gets the girl, drinks beer, drives a truck, and saves the day from an evil Mexican drug cartel. It’s almost as if this is how Keith sees himself- as some sort of country cop hero who travels through the disgusting state of Oklahoma, lookin’ to shoot bad guys and get liquored up with his idiot country cop friends. If you don’t watch this movie, then you are completely in the wrong. There is no excuse for ignoring this piece of cinematic brilliance. Seriously though, that scene with Keith smoochin’ on Claire Forlani was like watching a centaur have a seizure while trying to mate.

Also, Dan Rather is in it.

Go.

Welcome to Adam’s Crawl Space. Now, exactly what the title of this column means, I’d prefer to leave open to interpretation.  The image that comes to mind personally is that of me, huddled in my dark, creepy “crawl space” if you will (me in my bedroom and a laptop) and watching things that are artistically questionable.  Basically shit that you would never expect me to watch and review, I’m going to do.  It won’t all be Olsen twins movies (although those are definitely coming) but it will as I said, be films that shouldn’t necessarily be called “films.”

Recent posts by Adam

• The Other Guys - August 10th, 2010
• Trailer: Jackass 3D - August 6th, 2010
• Dinner For Schmucks - August 3rd, 2010
• The Avengers Have Assembled - July 25th, 2010
• Trailer: Dexter Season 5 - July 24th, 2010

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