Adam’s Crawl Space: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr.

Feb 162010

dcr8us Dear Family, Friends and beloved readers of the Breach,

The world is not an easy place to live.¬† There are sequels to movies that did not need sequels, and then there are sequels to movies that unlock dark places that I did not know existed.¬† As I sit here writing these last words, I must urge you all to never, ever see Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr.¬† Don‚Äôt feel sorry for me.¬† I asked for this, and have decided to dwell in the darkness.¬† There is an evil and it is real; I beg you to heed my warning.

It all started when I saw an internet trailer several months ago for Pet Detective Jr.¬† I knew it was going to be in the Crawl Space someday, although I wish I had postponed my viewing.¬† I enjoyed life, after all.¬† Who was this fat kid trying to pass himself off as Ace Ventura‚Äôs kid?¬† Why were they making a sequel to a movie that in retrospect is just not that funny anymore?¬† I was 16 when I saw the original and I thought it was hilarious.¬† I was also a virgin at the time (full disclosure, I will die one too) and was busy masturbating in Algebra.¬† Yeah that‚Äôs right, I did that.¬† Mr. Grimes never even knew about it.¬† I feel that now I can be forthcoming about things as I am in the twilight of my short existence.¬† Speaking of, I also liked New Moon.¬† Damn the haters.

I suppose you might be wondering what exactly the movie is about?¬† Well, what do you think?¬† Ace had a kid, a fat one, and apparently it‚Äôs genetic for all Venturas to be Pet Detectives.¬† There is a running joke in the movie where the word ‚Äòdetective‚Äô is on the tip of everyone‚Äôs tongue in reference to what Ace Jr. does, but instead they‚Äôll refer to him as pet cop or pet sleuth, or even pet finder.¬† I can‚Äôt believe someone thought this was funny but considering the movie was green lit at all means all bets were off anyway.

Ace Jr‚Äôs mom, Melissa (as in the Melissa from the original, although this time played by Ann Cusack sister of John and Joan) is a zookeeper who is wrongfully accused of stealing a Panda they have been tasked with looking after.¬† I can‚Äôt believe I‚Äôm even bothering to go over this. I mean really, hence the note I‚Äôm currently writing.¬†¬† Ace Jr. of course is on the case to prove mom‚Äôs innocence and act horribly throughout the movie.¬† The kid that plays Ace is the kind of a chubby, little pig in a blanket that you can imagine every adult actor on set wanting to strangle with a phone cord.¬† Watching his inability to even remotely come close to the shtick that Jim Carrey established angered me to the point that when I wasn‚Äôt contemplating writing this note, I was envisioning him being trampled by a stampede of buffalo and then run over with a monster truck for good measure.¬† I hate this kid.¬† This kid is suck. ¬†He‚Äôs about as charismatic as a bowl of oatmeal.¬† Instant oatmeal.¬† ¬†He is the reason that children are considered a disease.¬† That part may be a personal opinion, but it‚Äôs the correct opinion.

Do you guys remember Ralph Waite?¬† The name may not ring a bell, but he played the father, John Walton, on everyone‚Äôs favorite 70s TV show The Waltons.¬† ¬†Old Ralph Waite has fallen on hard times and in order to make rent, he signed on to play none other than Ace Ventura Jr‚Äôs grandfather.¬† That‚Äôs right; John Walton is Ace Ventura‚Äôs dad.¬† As if that wasn‚Äôt jarring enough, when he started spouting old Ace catch phrases such as, ‚Äúlike a glove‚Äù and, ‚Äúre-he-he-heaaaaally‚Äù I decided to go ahead and pen this note.¬† Seeing this broken down old fart made the decision for me; to cash in my chips.¬† While I‚Äôm on farts‚Ä¶there are no less than 5 blatant farting scenes with the bastard Ace Jr.¬† Every time this kid bends over he‚Äôs farting.¬† In fact, there is a scene in the movie in which he brings a lost skunk (who the hell has a skunk for a pet?) to submission by, you guessed it, FARTING at him.¬† Fuck my life.¬† When old Grandpa Ventura was going over the family history with Jr, I nearly lost it.¬† Charles Darwin?¬† A Ventura.¬† Jacques Cousteau?¬† A Ventura.¬† I‚Äôm trying not to have a major panic attack here, I‚Äôm sorry.

I wish I had time to address you all personally, but the darkness is slowly creeping in. ¬†I wanted to give the rundown of my worldly possessions and assign them to some of you. But as I said, time grows short for me.¬† Do what you want with whatever I have.¬† Just don‚Äôt touch the computer, I have all kinds of things on here that I won‚Äôt even admit to myself are really there.

Please keep going Courtney- for Frances.¬† Her life will be so much happier without me.

I LOVE YOU.¬† I LOVE YOU.

Welcome to Adam‚Äôs Crawl Space‚Äô¬† Now, exactly what the title of this column means, I‚Äôd prefer to leave open to interpretation.¬† The image that comes to mind personally is that of me, huddled in my dark, creepy “crawl space” if you will (me in my bedroom and a laptop) and watching things that are artistically questionable.¬† Basically shit that you would never expect me to watch and review, I‚Äôm going to do.¬† It won‚Äôt all be Olsen twins movies (although those are definitely coming) but it will as I said, be films that shouldn‚Äôt necessarily be called “films.”