Adam’s Crawl Space: Hannah Montana: The Movie

Feb 092010

hmmovie For starters: you‚Äôre welcome. I know a lot of you out there are probably just a wee bit chickenshit and will never permit yourself to watch the cinematic masterpiece that is Hannah Montana: The Movie. I thought I was one of those people as well, I really did. But the way I like to look at it is that I‚Äôm the bigger man here. I‚Äôm not afraid to put what little masculinity I have on hold for an hour and forty minutes. While holding back tears towards the end of the movie, I was afraid that the very masculinity I hit the pause button on might never come back.

I‚Äôve never seen the Hannah Montana show on the Disney channel. Disney sitcoms are generally something I try to avoid. They‚Äôre sort of like watching televised STDs. It hurts when I pee directly afterward. Save your hate mail until I‚Äôm finished though, please. So I‚Äôve never seen the show. I went into this movie completely blind and had no clue as to what exactly Hannah Montana was other than the fact that she sings and is dangerously close to getting me arrested. Hannah Montana is Miley Stewart; a normal girl who just wants a normal life but also wants to sing and have millions of screaming 10 year old fans. Her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus. She has a brother who is constantly falling down; I assume he‚Äôs in place to appeal to the boys out there. She has a best friend who knows her identity. I think she‚Äôs the same person as that girl in Hollow Man 2 that I don‚Äôt remember. Or not. That‚Äôs about it.

Hannah Montana: The Movie is specifically about her dad being fed up with her spoiled ridiculous shenanigans. He feels she should get in touch with her roots again and the perfect opportunity has come up in the form of her grandmother‚Äôs birthday. They travel back to their home of Crowley, Tennessee followed by a closet, pedophile tabloid-journalist looking for a scoop. We end up with Miley/Hannah finding a sweet hick boyfriend and ultimately saving the town that was *gasp* going to be turned into a giant strip mall by some demon greedy pig played by Barry Bostwick. Am I the only one out there that is tired of the notion that if you‚Äôre just not into the small town ideals, then you‚Äôre automatically some evil, liberal-capitalist, mutant hybrid? Not all of us want to gather the eggs at 4am, wear overalls, and walk around the countryside barefoot. Some of us are quite content with iTunes and Amazon. And Satan worship. Speaking of egg gathering, is there a scene that features Miley singing and dancing in a chicken coop? Why yes there is! I wonder how much they paid the chickens.

Now that I have the entirely necessary plot out of the way, let‚Äôs get down to what this movie is really about: the excuse for Hannah Montana to perform. There are at least 10 tracks woven throughout the movie, which of course only exists as one long music video. The movie opens with her singing ‚ÄòBest of Both Worlds.’ Clearly this is a reference to the hermaphroditic porno flick that Randal is watching in Clerks; it can‚Äôt really be anything else. Parents take note, Hannah Montana is OK with porn. I‚Äôm just saying. The opening credits blend, if you can actually call it blending, into a choreographed beach song and dance routine that ultimately turns out to just be Hannah shooting a music video. Already by this point so early on in the movie, I am wishing death on every Disney movie executive. If I were to roll my eyes any harder they would‚Äôve ejected from their sockets. And I hadn‚Äôt even gotten to the scene where Miley is writing her own music. I understand Disney can‚Äôt show the sweat shop in Guatemala where these tunes are cranked out, but suspension of disbelief is a really tall order when it comes to that subject.

Just when I thought the Miley/Hannah shtick was going to do me in, I started to get my second wind. At the local shitkicking fundraiser to save the town (not the one at the end that ends up working thanks to Hannah, spoiler alert) Billy Ray Cyrus performs a song. This is what I came for! The guy, not content with riding the gravy train that is his daughter, just can‚Äôt let his career go. He‚Äôs piggybacked his stupid soul patch right onto her auto-tuned ass and gotten himself another gig after all. After the brief brilliance that is Billy Ray wraps up, I‚Äôm given an even bigger reward in the form of none other than Taylor Swift performing! Yes, Taylor Swift is in this and yes she is amazing. I want to hang out with Taylor. I want to buy groceries for her. I want to paint her toenails. I want to feed her. Lots and lots of food. What, did you think I was gonna hate? Too bad.

I think this movie has a lot to say to people, and well, no it doesn‚Äôt. If it does have a message it‚Äôs that you should be true to yourself and not diss your family, which apparently consists entirely of musicians and singers who are all insanely talented. The little country fuckalong that Miley‚Äôs family has is pretty ridiculous. Uncle Kiddyfiddler and Aunt Breastpump can‚Äôt sing like that in my family; this is complete bullshit! I only wish I could see your faces right now. Keep your psychiatric advice to yourselves, please. As I‚Äôve stated before, this is why I was put on this green Earth. I have a special purpose and unfortunately it‚Äôs this column and not my sexual organs.

Making her second appearance in the Crawl Space, Jan from The Office is also in here as Billy Ray‚Äôs love interest. If she keeps it up she might become the official mascot of this column; I can only hope. By the end of this movie, despite all of the hate, the layer of cheese that it was coated in was too much. I found myself feeling for this paper thin character that is Miley Stewart and her oh so wacky dilemma! When she reveals herself at the hometown fundraiser as Miley, and the entire town promises they will keep her secret, one acidic tear may have forced itself out of my hate-fueled tear ducts and streaked down my cheek. In fact, I‚Äôm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat there. Fuck it, I love Hannah Montana.

I have yet to recover my balls.

This is Adam‚Äôs Crawl Space.‚Äô¬† Now, exactly what the title of this column means, I‚Äôd prefer to leave open to interpretation.¬† The image that comes to mind personally is that of me, huddled in my dark, creepy “crawl space” if you will (me in my bedroom and a laptop) and watching things that are artistically questionable.¬† Basically shit that you would never expect me to watch and review, I‚Äôm going to do.¬† It won‚Äôt all be Olsen twins movies (although those are definitely coming) but it will as I said, be films that shouldn‚Äôt necessarily be called “films.”