Retro Review: H.O.T.S

The first thing I need to do with this review is thank reader and frequent commenter Cminor for suggesting it. The second thing I’ll have to do is go ahead and apologize because some readers, especially females, may find some of the things I’m about to write offensive. ¬†Things like boobies, bujungas, cheechees, and fun bags could be constantly interchangeable euphemisms scattered throughout this review. ¬†If any one of these words has made you mad, go ahead and find another review on the site. Just don’t tell my mom I watched this movie.

So I could write my review and leave it as thus:  H.O.T.S -they could have just called it T.I.T.S.

But good news for you, I have more to say than just a one-liner. ¬†My god this movie is fucking spectacular! ¬†This isn’t a film for just anybody. ¬†More specifically, it’s a movie for dudes (although The Wife did witness all 98 minutes and made nary a complaint). ¬†It’s the kind of movie that starts with an establishing shot of the college setting and then BLAMMO, enter the female locker room and POW, there’s some boobies. ¬†I know, best movie ever right? ¬†Can’t possibly get better? ¬†Fuckin’ W.R.O.N.G. ¬†The very next scene wastes no time setting up the stellar plot line: a subset of well endowed women at a college are forbidden from pledging for the Pi Sorority. ¬†Within minutes of this banishment, they join forces and set out on the only sensible goal available- bed every man at the college, especially the frat boys that belong to the Pi girls. ¬†It’s remarkable in similarity to the plot for Revenge of the Nerds, but with more nudity. ¬†And with way more Bonaduce!

Ah the nudity. ¬†Some might even watch this movie and mistake it for just another B-flick. ¬†If you peruse the reviews on IMDb you’ll find people saying things like, “Plenty of T not enough A” or my personal favorite, “The Citizen Kane of 70s T&A Films!!!” Neither of those comments are without merit- there is a disproportion of T to A and it’s a pretty righteous flick. ¬†And I have to admit, there were times where I thought I was controlling this movie with my mind. ¬†I would think, “that bikini top can’t really hold on can it?” and then next thing I knew, it was gone! ¬†And I’ve always wondered what would happen if you combined football with strip poker and low and behold, there it showed up in the final twenty minutes of the movie. ¬†It’s interesting because while the nudity is 99% female in this film, I still came away feeling like it wasn’t completely derogatory. ¬†I know, I know but hear me out. ¬†It’s clear the H.O.T.S. Girls are using their sexuality as a weapon. ¬†Early on they have a run in with the Dean of the college and from that point they are under his careful watch as he anticipates their next misstep. ¬†But by the end of the film, the god damned guy is the referee for their football game! ¬†I’m sure some could interpret them taking off their shirts and being allowed carte blanche to rule the campus as completely chauvinistic. ¬†If you’re familiar with the male gaze of film theory, you can bet your ass it’s here. ¬†But I never got the impression that they went topless because it was silly or they didn’t have any self esteem. ¬†If anything, they did so to take control of a situation they had no control over in the opening scene. ¬†A lot of movies from this era, especially flicks like Animal House or Caddyshack, were predominantly male centric and women were virtually powerless/aimless throughout. ¬†H.O.T.S. gave women the chance to not only be the central characters, the film makes them damn near invincible. ¬†THE POWER OF THE BOOBIES!!!

So there is more story than what I mentioned but it’s really just two minuscule subplots. ¬†One involves a couple of just released from prison mafioso types returning to the H.O.T.S. manor to claim a bag of dough they left behind. ¬†I imagine these guys showed up in the script to attempt to balance out the bujunga bonanza. There’s also this silly shit about two dudes that kidnap (bear nap?) a grizzly bear mascot from a rival school. Seriously though, these are the parts where you’re supposed to go take a piss without missing part of the movie. ¬†You certainly don’t want to miss the topless skydiver sequence. ¬†Trust me.

Look, I know what you’re thinking- is this review for real? ¬†Well I’m here to tell you that not only did I enjoy the copious amounts of cheechees on display, the movie was actually pretty damn funny. ¬†I think it might even play better today than when it was released in 1979. ¬†It seems almost like it’s been forgotten and I can see that considering it’s so open with female sexuality. ¬†But watching it with 2010 eyes, it really works.¬†It also reminded me of the times when I was younger and would hang out with my friends until all hours of the night watching flicks like this and Bikini Carwash. ¬†It’s just a thing that dudes do. ¬†And no, these occurrences didn’t always end in rambunctious, gay sex. ¬†Sometimes we just played Counter Strike while those flicks played in the background. ¬†Either the past two sentences make no sense to you at all or you just got a little nostalgic. ¬†If you find yourself in the former category and haven’t done so already, add H.O.T.S. to your Netflix Instantque.

Fun bags.  There, I covered my foreshadowing from the opening.

Retro Review is a weekly column written by Dustin and occasionally other authors from the Breach. ¬†Here we take a look at films from yesteryear. ¬†1989 and older to be exact. ¬†At times we’ll try and analyze how the film has influenced modern cinema, discuss the quality of the current release, or just do a traditional review of the damn thing and throw it up here. ¬†As always, requests for these reviews are welcomed.

Recent posts by Dustin

• SXSW 2012 Reviews: Days 5 and 6 - March 15th, 2012
• SXSW 2012 Reviews: Days 3 and 4 - March 13th, 2012
• SXSW 2012 Reviews: Days 1 and 2 - March 11th, 2012
• Monday Morning Dork Attack: Dublin Dr. Pepper - January 16th, 2012
• Monday Morning Dork Attack: Broken Wii - January 9th, 2012

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